Now and again I go through these thoughts of not being enough. It has to do with my ex Dom. I don't get depressed. But that fear will hit me out of the blue sometimes. I haven't felt that way in over a year.
Today it hit me.
The fear of not being enough had made me leery of committing to a long term relationship because of the way my ex Dom changed our dynamic and eventually sent me away. I had struggled before the relationship ended, I wondered why the dynamic changed and he didn't want to Dominate me anymore.
Over the past 3 years I had either turned down single Doms or ended the dynamic before it got too deep. My fears held me back.
My ex Dom did a number on me.
Not too long ago he tried to knock my self-esteem down because he realized that I had moved on and I was happy without him. He wanted to try again and when I refused it made him angry. He called me fat and ugly, among other things.
My King reassured me. He told me he loved my body and told me I am beautiful. Made me feel desired and wanted. Made me feel beautiful, and tells me when he senses I need to hear it.
Not many people have told me these things. My children tell me I'm beautiful but children are bias. From my first memories of my Dad he always called me beautiful but again this is someone who is bias. I've heard I'm pretty, or nice looking but my partners have never called me beautiful, until my handsome King.
I found an envelope in a drawer and emptied it onto my bed. It was pictures. The first one I seen was one of me and my ex Dom. He had his arm around my waist, my head on his shoulder, he was smiling, I was smiling too but the smile didn't reach my eyes. I remembered the day it was taken. His son said he wanted a nice picture of us for his school project. It was about a year before our relationship ended. Our D/s dynamic had turned vanilla years before that. This picture said so much today. I had been unhappy but was still in love with the Dom that he had been the first 4 years of our relationship. At that time I thought there was still hope of the Dom coming back.
I went through a time of wondering why, what did I do wrong, why did he stop Dominating me, did I not submit the way he wanted me to, was I not enough any more? And my answer to myself was that I was not enough because when I asked my ex he just shrugged and said he didn't know what it was.
I had done everything I knew, I did everything I always had before he changed. I took care of our home, it was always clean and perfect, the way he liked. I still sat at his feet and massaged them when he had a hard day. I gave him full body massages whenever he allowed. I submitted to the boring vanilla sex that now and again was rough but yet vanilla. When he first started changing I would kneel at his feet with my collar and a flogger or crop but he would tell me he wasn't in the mood.
The feelings of not being enough started years before our relationship ended but I couldn't let go. I was still in love with a version of him.
Now today he made me feel those feelings again. Of not being enough.
My King is an amazing man. He makes me feel wanted and needed. He makes me feel submissive every time he communicates with me and every time I'm near him I serve him with every part of my being, and he does tell me that I fulfill all his needs.
And yet today I wondered, am I enough, will I be enough for him to keep wanting my submission, my servitude?
I felt hate today as well. I am not the kind of person who feels hate. I may dislike something but not feel that awful deep hate for anyone.
Purging has brought thoughts and feelings that I didn't think it would bring.
I cut those memories into tiny pieces as I sat and silently cried for those lost years where I could have found another place of true happiness. But it was needed. Closure perhaps.
No matter what, or no matter when, I would have found those pictures. It just happens to be when my King is away and the communication is limited.
As always, I will pull up my big girl panties...wait...I don't wear panties...🤭😉. I will pick myself up with the strength I am proud of having and will serve my King with the depth that I have in the past. He loves my servitude, respects and appreciates that I have given to him all that I am...with love and passion, and true dedication. I am enough for him, for now. I hope.
