Esoteric Submission

She wore chaos like a second skin—

a bloom of bruises beneath lace and grin,

the ache of want etched deep in bone,

too much, too loud, too wild alone.

A tempest dressed in trembling sin.

No cage could hold her twisted art,

the way she wept with broken grace,

how silence curled against her heart

and screamed beneath her porcelain face.

She bled in colors no one knew.

Until he came,

not with roses or redemption—

but rope,

and rules,

and reverence.

He named each fracture sacred ground,

marked her flesh like holy scripture,

read her pain in moans and gasps,

and held the storm until it whispered.

In his hands she unraveled—

not to vanish, but to become.

Each strike a syllable of truth,

each bruise a verse in a poem

only they could speak.

He did not save her—

he witnessed her.

He did not tame her—

he trusted her fury to bloom.

And in that dungeon lit by shadow,

she found a cathedral.

Her knees to the concrete,

his voice the altar bell,

his touch the gospel she longed to believe.

To the world,

she was ruin.

To him,

a ruin worth worshiping.

She is a beautiful disaster,

and he, the storm who knelt to meet her.

I haven’t seen Daddy in 10 days but he will be home at 4! I’m going to his house early so I can have a nice keto dinner ready for him. He said he’s been missing my cooking and he’s totally spoiled now. I already put on way too much makeup and perfume 😂 luckily it has time to fade a bit. 

I find it odd how I was able to be in a long distance relationship for 2.5 years but now with Daddy, a couple of days apart is all I can stand. Maybe that’s because of the 2.5 years of long distance, nothing compares to regular visits and being able to be of service to him on a regular basis. I don’t ever want to be in another long distance relationship again. 

Until 4 I am going to be waiting like an excited little puppy! 

I’m not cursed. I’m carved.

Each time life cracked me open, it was shaping me—refining me, not breaking me.

I don’t blend in because I’m not meant to. I’m meant to shine differently.

My hurt hasn’t hardened me. My loneliness doesn’t mean I’m lacking—it means I crave connection that’s real. I deserve a life that flows, not one I have to fight every step of the way. And still, when I do fight, I rise.

Every time I’ve been knocked down, I’ve gotten back up.

And every single time, I’ve come back stronger.

From now on, I reclaim my story.

I create space where I belong.

I trust the proof of my own resilience.

I don’t just survive this life—I shape it.

And the next chapter? It’s mine to write, with Daddy at my side.

Today’s art, it’s not quite finished yet. I have to soften that moon and add some stars and highlights but it needs to dry first 

I’m starting my mini vacation today after work and my son and I will go to Daddy’s this evening until midday Thursday. Then I won’t see him again until the 12th! Texting will be iffy once he leaves on Sunday so we’re going to email and try to do nightly Google meets. Hopefully he has decent WiFi. 

I’ve been mentally preparing myself and making sure I have plenty of activity going on that week. Hopefully it goes by fast! He says we’ve been so worried about me but he might end up being the one who’s a basket case 😂

Relationship things are going well. We’re still learning each other’s quirks and that’s always interesting. I have remained committed to our healthy lifestyle and lost a total of 15lbs since we met. It’s very different when you have a partner who is also committed and supports you. 

Kink things have been on the back burner because we haven’t had a kid free weekend in a while, and we won’t until the end of April. Although the sex is always amazing and semi kinky. I feel like we won’t be able to go very into anything until we’re living together.

Speaking of that, I decided we shouldn’t live together in my condo until the lease is up. Daddy needs alone space and there’s just not enough of that here, which sucks. I think he’d be rather unhappy here, so he’s going to sell his house while living there and rent something until we pick out a place together. I’m annoyed that I have to stay in my lease until November and I feel like I’m probably going to end up breaking it and paying whatever I have to pay. I don’t think I’ll be able to resist! But that’s a little bit too far into the future to think about right now. The first step is getting his house ready to sell when he gets back and then we will figure the rest out. 

Apparently I can. I’m really struggling with this right now. Daddy and I spend every Wednesday together, and every weekend F-S together. Yet, I cry when he leaves, I cry when I leave, and it’s starting to annoy me. I’ve never been like this with anyone else. Usually, I lean more toward “thank god I get some free time”, so I don’t exactly know how to deal with this new thing. I know I have a lot of abandonment issues, but in this case, I’m not afraid of being abandoned, I just do NOT want to be without him for even a day. 

He spent Tuesday night, all day Wednesday and Wednesday night and I’m going to his house for the weekend at 12 tomorrow yet I feel like it’s a billion days.

Also, we both had trips planned in April before we met. I am going to be gone from April 3-6 and he’s going to be gone from April 6-13. I’m going to literally die. 🙁

So, I’m not really complaining about it, I’m incredibly lucky to have someone to be desperately overly attached to but it is vaguely annoying. I’m going to try my best to be okay while he’s out of the county, but I probably won’t be.

Wednesday is always Daddy day at my house and as soon as I wake up I start counting the hours. Things are going well! The past weekend was just the two of us. We’re both so introverted that our favorite thing to do is spend the weekend at home together cooking, and fucking, and cuddles while watching tv. He is really enjoying forced orgasms and pushing me that way, At some point I breathlessly whispered, “Daddy, I can’t cum anymore” and he growled in my ear, “My cunt doesn’t stop cuming until I say so” and proceeded to push me for another half hour. Of course, I’ll never complain about that 😂 

He is still being careful with hurting me, and we talk about that. He says he’s afraid of pushing a line even though I say there are few lines. So far the most he will do is spanking me, and biting me in random places. So many people talk about the trust it takes to be a submissive, but it also takes a great deal of trust to be dominant and neither should be pushed to happen.

So, I go at his pace and build that bond between us. I gently encourage him to try new things, and tonight I am going to introduce him to a riding crop. It’s something he’s shown interest in on his own, so I’m going to foster that interest. I feel like some subs might not want or be able to teach their D to be their D but I have no problem with that. I have suggested he form a mentorship with a D type I am friends with but he feels weird about that. So, I am going to start looking for a local community thing we can start doing and maybe he will pick up on a few things that way.

Will he ever be like the sadists I have been with in the past? Nope, and I don’t want him to be. I want him to become his own version of my Dominant and I am happy to be patient with him as he discovers that aspect of himself and discovers those aspects of me. 

I am starting to crave subspace pretty hard core. Orgasm subspace is something he always gets me to but it just doesn’t last long enough to satisfy my cravings. Once I get him past that fear of hurting me I can hopefully teach him the methods to get me there, but again, it comes down to building trust and bonding. So, I wait, but I wait with gratitude for the man he is, and with patience as he grows into his role. 

10 hours to go until Daddy day 💓

New Daddy and I have settled into a very nice routine. He comes to spend the night on Wednesdays and I created a ritual of giving him a nice long body worship session, after we do vanilla life things like family dinner, a glass of wine, and sometimes sitting out by the fire pit. On weekends we are either at his place or mine. This weekend I helped him reorganize his kitchen and bathrooms. He has been a total bachelor and while everything was kind of “organized chaos” he needed a little help with efficiency and space management, and even though his house is gigantic it’s FULL of stuff that only another neurodivergent can understand/relate to. 

We have discovered that in order for me not to be totally useless, he has to limit the time of day and number of orgasms he gives me. If he doesn’t then all I want to do is cuddle on the couch and suck his cock. So on the weekends kiddo is with us we don’t do any fooling around until bedtime and keep it kind of light. Weekends kiddo isn’t with us there’s more kinky play time with less adulting things. 

I never could follow the rule about no orgasms without permission until him. I guess maybe it’s different because I know I’ll see him in a few days and I usually completely abstain unless I’m with him physically. By the time he gets here on Wednesday I’m so worked up that the least touch puts me on edge. He says he loves that he can take me from 0 arousal to max with hardly any effort, and he just loves making sure I stay right on the cusp until he has me alone at bedtime. He also loves that I can’t get enough of his cock in my mouth and actually has to tell me no sometimes when he wants to fuck me instead. 

We are going to start working toward selling his house soon. He wants to have it repainted and spruced up first. We decided to sell his house empty, putting most of his things in storage and him living with me until my lease is up in November. At that point my lease will be month to month so we can take our time looking for a new home together. I would estimate around July for him to make the move.

I gave him full control over my diet and exercise and we both love it. He got me a Whoop, Ketomojo monitor, and Chronometer all so he and I can closely monitor my health. I’ve lost 8lbs in 2 weeks. I had been stuck at the same weight for months and it turned out to be because I wasn’t eating enough and when I did eat, not the right things. I do still struggle with eating enough but he stays on top of that and makes sure I do, even though I get all pouty when he makes me finish a meal. I have a doctors appointment on the 26th and he actually took a day off from work to go with me. He is such a good Daddy 💕

I do have moments of sadness regarding former Daddy, mainly because I worry about him being all alone. His birthday will be hard for me because I know I was his only person. Our old anniversary will be hard for me too. We have not spoken once since I walked away, which has also been hard because it hurts my heart to think about him being lonely. The whole thing hurts my heart because I so wanted him to be my one, but I also don’t tolerate people with no follow through and most certainly not in the person I choose as my life partner. 

So, I haven’t updated in a while. A while back, I had enough BS from my former Daddy and I quit. After almost 3 years in an LDR in which he promised to visit regularly and move after I graduated, he never followed through. Wouldn’t even discuss it or start making a plan. He also stopped communicating with me. I went and counted the number of words he said to me in an entire week via text, which was our main method, and it was right around 200 words in a full 7 days. That was it for me, and I walked away.

A few days later, I was bored in the doctors office waiting room and made a profile on a vanilla dating site. I figured what the heck, there’s no suitable D’s anywhere I looked and maybe I’d get lucky and find a vanilla guy with D/s interests. I got incredibly fucking lucky. The very first man to message me on the app, we hit it off immediately. He lived 40 minutes away from me, and had all the markers I look for in a partner. We started talking on the phone the next day, and still hit it off perfectly. I told him all my bad stuff right away, like bipolar disorder, being out of shape, and ADHD tendencies. He was completely accepting and empathetic. I also told him about my kink proclivities, and he was VERY interested and a tiny bit educated. We had a lot of talks about it, I had him take some personality tests and the BDSM test, but I already knew he had Daddy written all over him. We planned a date for the coming Saturday and met after about 4 days of phone/text interaction.

I followed all the steps of a proper first meeting, had my safe calls set up with a dear friend from here you know as vvVvv. My guy sent me a photo of his truck and tag number and drivers license before I even asked. I shared my phone location with another dear friend you know as Literate Lycan. I felt like I had taken all the proper precautions even though I had an intuitive sense that none of it was necessary.

We met on the street outside of the wine bar , and ended up in his truck (we were both 15 minutes early) because the wind kept blowing my skirt up and flashing everyone in town. We almost immediately started making out, but put the brakes on for the sake of doing things properly and went inside for a glass of wine. They were about to set up live music and we wanted to be able to talk so we decided to leave. When we were outside, I decided fuck it, you only live once and invited him to my house that was 5 minutes away.

We were immediately all over each other, and the second he put his hand up my skirt and on my cunt, I came and squirted all over his hand. After that it was hours and hours of orgasms, cooking dinner, being teased by my safe caller for being such a slut (kind teasing), and he stayed overnight. He left on Sunday because he was scheduled for a vasectomy Monday morning. I offered to come care for him, and he was happy to accept. My kiddo just happened to be out of town for the week on break, and both he and I work remotely so I ended up staying until Thursday. It was SO hard not being sexual, not doing anything to arouse him, but we had a lovely time together just getting to know each other, and lots of cuddling. At some point he asked me if I wanted to call him Daddy, and I had zero hesitation with that decision. 

We hit all the marks together, we have so many little similarities that we’re basically male/female versions of each other, we have a high sexual energy but also a great daily life/vanilla vibe. He’s already talking with me about selling his house and moving in together when my lease is up in November. While I know it’s fast, we’re both long term planners, both want a committed life partner and so on. I even let him meet my kiddo this weekend and he spent the majority of the time doing man things around my house fixing things and stuff. He’s a mechanical engineer so he’s really good at those things and I’m just fascinated by the way his mind works and observing him. 

Last night he was making me cum and whispering in my ear, who do I belong to now, and me saying I belong to you Daddy. He was clearly a Daddy from the get go but I’m also seeing all kinds of markers that read Owner all over the place. He bought me a Whoop health tracker that syncs to his phone so he can keep an eye on his girl and make sure she’s being healthy. Such a fucking turn on. 

He is incredibly kind, empathetic, and devoted. He truly is everything I ever wanted in a life partner and he says the same about me. I have never been treated like a treasure and I love treating him like a God because he truly makes me feel safe, valued, and protected. I feel so blessed to have him in my life.

your voice a ghost inside my bones,

etching bruises where your hands should be.

I loathe this hunger, yet cradle it close,

a wound that sings your name in the dark.

You tell me I am yours,

even across the miles that stretch like a blade,

even when silence is the only collar I wear.

My agony is a poem you whisper into the night,

a gift you cannot unwrap.

I dream of the weight of you,

the slow violence of your love,

the way your cruelty is a sanctuary,

a cathedral where my body is an offering,

a prayer answered in pain.

But you are not here,

and so I am untended,

a rose withering in its own thorns,

bleeding for the hand that never flinches,

never falters, never fails to keep me safe.

You are both blade and balm,

both torment and solace.

And I am the one who begs for the wound.