Esoteric Submission

I decided to do a goodbye to former Daddy here to give myself a little closure. I have so many happy memories of us.

The initial thrill of finding someone who matches all your proclivities. The way I cried happy tears when you first gave me a morning, noon, and night routine. The intrigue I felt when you first said I could call you Daddy. The way you were so consistent for months until I finally trusted you. The first time you told me you love me and how I cried. The ways you tested and pushed me. The fun we had exploring subspace and pain together. The way you spent the last hour of each day focused on me. The first time I had an orgasm from pain. The first time I had an orgasm from only your command. The quiet way you controlled my sub frenzy. The deep friendship that developed between us. The pride I felt from knowing I was your girl. The ways you supported me in my darkest days. I still have the picture you sent me as the background on my phone, the one of a brown bear giving his girl a hug. That’s something I can’t bring myself to remove just yet.

I so wanted a life with you. I so wanted to be yours. It was my driving force when I was trying to finish my masters and sometimes the only thing that could motivate me to push through. That one little idea, that hope of us building a life together, carried me through so many terrible times. I loved you so hard, and you loved me just as hard. 

I am sorry that I couldn’t help you, even though I did my very best to try. I’m sorry that I couldn’t hold on anymore, as we know , I don’t usually fail when I’m determined. I couldn’t though. I couldn’t stand the loneliness of being in a relationship with someone who was no longer there. Every day was interlaced with ache, sorrow, and longing. It was just too much. I had to leave before I hated you. I will always carry a piece of you in my heart.

I am lost to you. There is no going back. I tried to tell you once I let go it’s irreversible, but you didn’t listen or couldn’t listen. These are the last tears I’ll cry for you as I move forward with a new chapter of my life. Ours was a good chapter, a chapter of love, and survival. This is the last poem I write for us:

Our Last Chapter

 

There was a time

not marked by hours,

but by rituals carved into flesh and thought

where I learned to breathe

only in the spaces you left for me.

 

You, the architect of ache,

spoke in structure,

line and consequence,

a syntax of rules and velvet ruin.

I followed you like a cipher follows its key

grateful to be decrypted.

 

Morning. Noon. Night.

The sacraments of devotion.

You named yourself Daddy,

and I, with trembling certainty,

unfolded into it like scripture hidden

in the margins of a forbidden text.

There was holiness in your discipline.

Terror, too.

But oh, the rapture of being understood

without needing to explain.

 

Each scene

a paragraph in pain,

a meditation on surrender.

You marked me with meaning,

and I bloomed under duress.

You said, “Come,”

and I did

with no touch but your voice,

no god but your command.

 

We lived in a dark library of our own making,

where the ink bled and the bindings cracked,

but the story held.

For a time.

 

Then, without warning,

you went silent between the pages.

Margins widened.

My ache echoed through footnotes of absence.

I reread your sentences,

seeking signs I had missed

an ellipsis too long,

a semicolon where a period should have been.

 

I tried to annotate your decline.

I footnoted your withdrawal

with patience and pride,

until even my pen broke

from writing in the margins alone.

 

I am not made to be unloved in silence.

Even masochists need presence.

 

So I ended us.

Not with punctuation

but with closure.

 

Know this:

Our chapter was exquisite.

A sacred contradiction.

A masterwork of love and discipline,

pain and peace.

I keep the image

a bear embracing his girl

as my bookmark.

A relic. A relic that still warms.

 

But I am closed to you now.

My spine does not reopen once it cracks.

The story of us is archived,

bound in leather and ash,

resting among other impossible texts.

 

These are the last tears I will offer you.

They are not for regret

but for reverence.

You were my favorite chapter.

And that will always be true.

 

But the book continues.

And I, finally,

turn the page.

I’m so spoiled now but being away from Daddy since Saturday has been so hard. I keep telling myself I only have 9 more days until I live with him permanently but it’s still so ugh! Given that my last dynamic was 3 years long distance you’d think I would be able to handle mere days a little better. Let’s just say patience is not one of my virtues, 

 

He will come spend the night with me tonight and Saturday. Normally we spend the weekend at his place but we’re going to see my Dad Saturday for Father’s Day. I’m not happy with the disruption to our schedule but again, it won’t be long until I can wake up and fall asleep next to him every day.

 

My new job is going well but I found out yesterday they do random drug testing which means no Delta 8 even though it’s legal in GA. I had read the policy but it was fairly vague and sounded like they only test when suspicious. Yesterday in a training video they broke it down to specifics. I don’t really smoke often anyway but Daddy does and I really love getting high and giving him a long blowjob. So that was a major bummer 🙁 I like the organization though, it’s much more structured and organized than my last one so I suppose I’ll comply. 

So I guess I’ll just practice the art of choosing not to suffer and try to enjoy my last few days of single life. 

I was a house abandoned in winter,

shutters slammed shut by time,

walls echoing with the wind’s hollow questions.

Even the dust had grown tired of waiting—

it settled like silence on everything I once was.

 

My heart,

a locked room beneath the floorboards,

fed only on echoes and imagined warmth,

learned to live without sunlight,

drank shadow from cupped hands.

 

I taught myself to stop reaching.

To love the ache of emptiness

like a bruise that proves you’re still here.

I watched the world in grayscale,

found meaning in quiet decay.

 

Then—

a warmth not summoned

stepped into the ruins.

Not with fire,

but with steady hands

and eyes that saw not what was broken,

but what could still bloom.

 

He did not fling open the doors.

He waited by them.

Spoke with the patience of roots

growing unseen beneath frost.

And the ice began to drip,

to speak,

to sing.

 

The house creaked with memory,

but also with hope.

My ribs, once a cage,

became a garden trellis,

and my heart—

it pressed upward, green and trembling.

 

He brings the sky with him.

Not a blinding noon,

but the kind of light that knows

how to touch the most bruised petals

without asking them to open too soon.

 

And I—

once starved—

have learned the taste of morning again.

It is not sweetness.

It is sustenance.

It is him.

It’s getting closer and closer to time to move in with Daddy. We’ve been working on our to do lists. He decided he wanted to get new carpet in the bedrooms my son will be in (he’s getting 2, one for sleeping and the other as a gaming room), and the spare room upstairs, so that’s happening next week. He cleaned out both closets in the master bedroom and put new shelving in them. I scrubbed the giant shower last weekend because well, he’s a bachelor and doesn’t really do deep cleaning. We got rid of the furniture in the downstairs bedroom that he’s going to make his new office so I can have the upstairs office.

This weekend we are doing the dreaded meet the parents ritual because both mine and his are complaining that we’re moving in together and they haven’t met us 🙄 at our ages, 48 me and 54 him, we don’t need our parents approval but whatever lol. We also got me added to the water bill and wrote up an affidavit saying we live together to then get notarized so I can have my ID changed and enroll kiddo in the new school. I packed up some things I don’t need between now and the actual move.

 

As for the actual moving date, well I paid the rent up until August so we have plenty of time. My landlord was nice and instead of charging me 35% of the remaining lease he just said he’d keep my deposit. Kiddos school ends May 22 and he goes to his Dads for 2 weeks and I figure I’ll move our essentials during that time. We will be mostly living with Daddy and coming to my place to get the stuff sorted, have a moving sale and finally have the movers get the furniture and stuff that we’re keeping. 

And I am starting my new job on the 19th which complicates things for me as far as free time to pack but I’m thrilled that I found a job in his area so fast. I will be doing training for a month in a different area but then I’ll be at our local office by the end of June.

Dynamic wise, things are going great. I feel very fortunate to be his girl, and he says the same. We are peas in a pod and I am so excited to know that soon I’ll be in service to him 24/7. Although our dynamic doesn’t look like what a lot of people imagine 24/7 as being. We are organic, we don’t have a lot of protocols and rules because that shit is tedious. I obey him, I strive to please him, and that’s about it, although it’s way more complicated.

Well, maybe a little bit of a tree.

y

Yes. Another one.

I have noticed something new in me lately, I am starting to find joy in little everyday things. A lot of that joy is coming from being of service to my Daddy. I highly enjoy going to the grocery store to pick out the perfect ingredients for the perfect meal, I am enjoying taking care of myself physically because it’s important to him, I enjoy remembering to have little things at my house that he likes, such as his favorite chewing gum. The list could go for a while.

 

For several years before Daddy, I had lost all joy in those things. I wouldn’t go to the store, I’d instacart, I wouldn’t cook anymore, I would DoorDash, I wouldn’t exercise or even pay attention to my diet, and for heaven’s sake sometimes I wouldn’t even wash my hair or shave my legs. Yes, I was with my former but he never acted like it mattered to him, thus it didn’t matter to me. 

The result of being with Daddy is a much brighter and happier me. My son has noticed, my mother noticed, and I notice too. This is proof of what happens when you’re in a healthy dynamic, the submissive grows and thrives in ways that no one can predict.

I am grateful every single day for this man, and I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world. 

Daddy and I spent the whole of our time together Saturday and Sunday discussing life things (and lots of cuddles). We looked around at properties in my area, checked out interest rates, and determined that it’s the best financial decision for my son and I to move in with him. We had to decide for sure relatively soon because my son is starting high school this fall and we don’t want to move him after he starts.

So, that’s the plan! We are going to live in his current home for the next 4-5 years, build more equity and save then most likely buy property to build our forever home on. 

I have a job interview on Tuesday with an organization that just happens to be hiring both in my town and Daddy’s so I’ll likely already have a job there. It will mean having a commute for a while but it isn’t forever. 

 

Our target date is July! That’s just 11 weeks and I’m sure it will go by incredibly fast. I’m so happy to have a plan in place and so lucky to be with a man who plans AND takes action. 

My Daddy got sick on Monday. It’s just a cold but he was running a fever until Thursday, so we had to forego our Wednesday and Friday time together. He has to drive his new motorcycle to the dealership for the 600 mile oil change and then he will be coming straight to my place. We are going to take it easy and just cuddle, cook together and have our long insightful talks.

Next weekend is a kid free weekend, and I am going to get all the make-up kink I can because we have only had 1 day alone together this month. It’s been so hard to be apart so much, but hopefully now everything will go back to our regularly scheduled programming. 

I love and adore this man in so many ways. No one in my entire life has ever taken such good care of me. He doesn’t only take care of me though, he also empowers me and makes sure I am his strong badass girl when I need to be. I love that duality, and he also experiences it. He says no one has ever loved him the way he needed to be loved but I fit him just right, He appreciates that he can be vulnerable with me and still feel respected, supported, and valued. 

I can’t imagine a day without him in my life and I already wish we were living together. We’re doing everything we can to hold off on that so we don’t put too much strain on us with moving around. It will definitely not be sooner than July, but preferably somewhere around October. It just depends on how fast he sells his house. So we will see!