Sadism and masochism are often misunderstood because there are so many different variations of it. For some it may be something that they engage in with play partners to feel a sense of power, for others it may be purely about punishment, and for still more it may be the novelty of the experience. I can’t speak for those people but I can speak about what it means to us. For Daddy and I, it is an expression of and avenue to intimacy.
The dance between a true sadist and masochist is intricate, intoxicating, and at all times interesting. I’m going to be leaving emotional play out of this because that’s a whole blog in and of itself. I am particularly speaking about my personal experiences with physical pain.
When I met my first Dominant, a sadist, back in the early 2000’s I had no idea that I was a masochist. Looking back, yes the signs were always there but I was young and lacking knowledge so I didn’t recognize it for what it was. He hurt me in a multitude of ways, and I deeply struggled with this. I couldn’t understand why I kept going back to see him for sessions, and why I would say never again and then two weeks later I’d be ringing him up. This lack of understanding of my nature, lack of knowledge about the lifestyle, and lack of valuable leadership on his part led me to ultimately ending the year long relationship and walking completely away from the lifestyle for 12 years.
From that 12 year point it has now been another 5 or 6 years, and I have had my fair share of experiences, some good and some bad. I also spent time learning about myself, learning about what makes a healthy dynamic, and learning the influences behind masochism. And we can’t forget that addictive little thing called sub space.
I learned not to be ashamed of what I am, and to value myself enough to accept that this is part of what makes me, me. I also learned that what I have to give is quite special and that whoever I give myself to needs to realize that along with the fun comes a responsibility to dedicate himself to our dynamic. The responsibility that he takes on is essential to maintaining the balance required to live this lifestyle, engage in some very deep edge play, and come out on the other side safe and sound.
When Daddy hurts me I feel absolute love and appreciation towards him and also coming from him. The intimacy that we share through experiencing pain together is like no other, and we are symbiotic in the way that each of us needs and provides for the other. He handles me carefully and skillfully while truly putting thoughtfulness behind every action. I rely on him to cultivate and shape my needs into what he wants and I rely on him to bring me back away from the edges that we skirt, never allowing me to topple over. He is my foundation, he is my source of joy, he is my future. He is my sadist.
Thank you for Daddy for all that you are, for all that you provide, and for allowing me to relinquish everything that I am into your capable hands.
