This is a tightness in my chest and sadness in my heart, I am stuggling with the most important things that matters me. I have been working hard seeking help, asking questions, doing self assments, and still nothing....ugh. I have worked so hard to be a healthy, honest, and trust worthy person. I have tried to grown beyond my upbring and relationships that negatively affected me and I just feel like I am failing. I am in a relationship and I feel like I am failing that to. I am aware of so much more today and my own worst enemy is me. I came into this scening knowing that here I would find a place that I could express myself and explore needs I have but instead I have bulked. I find it hard to trust and I am not sure how to approach things. I have educated myself, used my intellect to learn and grow but still things are not working.
Maybe it is me, maybe it is my inability to be heathy but I feel like I am taking steps to be healthy. I did not come into this scene to fix me. I found it after I began my journey of health. I started looking at my needs and wants, those insights are what brought me here. Everything is just so hard. I am not great with conversations, I miss so many social norms and just feel like I cannot do this.
I did not know how much I became of afraid of the world around me or people until I began to start interacting again. So now I work on those fears and worries but it just is not enough. I just see the unhealthy less than person that is me. I have that my brain keeps telling me I am not worthy and the it is all my fault. I know that is not true, a part of me knows that I am amazing but I cannot seem to bring that person out. I just do not know what to do any more and I just feel so lost. I feel like it is me againt a world that I do not understand.
So many ideas war in my head and I am losing my ability to express my needs because I feel shame for having them. I just feel like I am not good to or for any one and will fail everyone.
With a heavy heart and much sadness, I am struggling.