Knot Journey

I want to be tied up

I want to be suspended

I want to be in rope

I want to be connected

I want to be challenged

I want to take you on a journey as you tie

I want to be valued and appreciated

I want to be accepted with the body I have

I want to be challenged to be a strong body

I want to be challenged

I want rope on my body

I want the feel of its compression

I want to connect with the person placing it

I want to grow

I want the peace and stillness that comes with rope

I want the peace and stillness that comes with the one who places the rope

I want connection

I want trust

I want value

I want to be seen as beautiful in rope

Please let me be your bunny

I will work hard

I will value connection

I want rope

I want the person who can connect with rope

I want the person who can connect with me thru rope

Rope is my voice

Rope is my stillness

Rope is my peace

Rope is my challenge

Rope is my encouragement

This is what I seek

Who will take a journey with me

Who will connect with me

Who will be open and honest with me

Rope

Who will see me through rope

I want rope

Lost not even sure where to go or what I need. 

So much has changed.

I think I have changed and did not even know it.

Where do I go?

What is my role?

How long will it take?

Why did I allow myself to get fat?

What really matters?

Who will understand me?

Will there be another connection?

May be I am to much?

May be I am not enough?

Is there one who will want to connect with me?

How did I become so alone!

What is my responsibility?

What is my role?

What did I do?

Will another want to explore with me?

What if I am to different?

May be my desires are to weird?

Today I guess I will just be. 

I am Bound

It is in the stillness I breath

It is in the stillness that the breath comes

The constant pressure holds me

Restriction reminds me 

The binding holds me 

Stillness reminds me

SAFE

Hold me 

Restrain me 

Constrict me 

Safe

The rope binds me 

The rope holds me 

The rope finds me 

The rope centers me

Here is where I am free

Change my position 

Change my motion 

In it all I find me

Lift me up

Put me down

Change my place

Move me 

Manipulate me 

I am free 

I am safe

Stillness finds me 

Stillness releases me 

Stillness changes me 

Stillness challenges me

Rope is my stillness 

Rope is my release

I am bound by strength 

I am bound by trust 

I am bound by rope

I AM BOUND

~ Trixiebunny (Feb 2019)

Lately I have been mulling over the role that BDSM holds in my life. I have been focusing so much on why it interests me, what I am looking for, how I define things, what are risks, how do I partake, how will I interact with others, etc...that I have forgotten the things that are most important is to engage with communicate, interaction and feeling. For me BDSM is like a bridge between my thinking brain and emotional one. It helps me just be in the moment and be present yet sadly that is exactly what has been missing. I have gone to a few munches over the past month or so and have just felt out of place like I am imposing. So I have taken sometime to sit back and ask myself what is it that I am seeking. I want to make sure that I stay in a healthy frame of mind and am honest with myself with where I am at and what I want.

Life has not been the easiest lately with moving to a new town and change careers. There are all these internal and external stresses. I have lost some of my connection to rope and just feel a little lost without it. I feel like I have become a little withdrawn and overwhelmed. I would love to just do some rope and embrace the moment. 

I have been exploring BDSM for almost 4 years and I still feel like I am so new and inexperienced. I have a hard time admitting the things I want because guilt and shame crowd in. I worry that my desires are wrong and will only hurt me. There is a part of me that knows this is not true but it is such a quiet voice. I feel bad for wanting things from another person. I worry that am seeking validation through others verse being okay with my. It is hard for me to understand that I am enough that no one else makes me enough but that my innate being is enough and okay.

I feel like it is not okay to want things like bottoming for a spanking without knowing every answer to why. I feel like it is not okay.....well may be I am thinking these things nor feeling......to want some one to do things to me. l feel like it is not okay that I do not enjoy doing things to other people. I feel like it is not okay to allow anyone else to take the lead or make any decisions. It is not okay for my to give up any of my power.

Things are just a jumble right now but I am glad that I can say that. 

Today I have just been thinking is Rope Bunny a role?

I love doing rope. I love going on the journey of connection I get from setting time aside to do rope whether it be with myself or another. There are times to do different kinds of rope: for study rope, to practicing, to stretching for rope, to engaging with new ways of doing rope and then there is something about doing a scene with rope.

A scene with rope for me is focused on the rope. First I love picking the space I will do rope. Then attire for rope whether it be something or nothing. Next comes whether done in private or public. After this I love picking the music or having the music selected that the rope will be done to. The music speaks of the type of rope that will be done. I can do floor rope, suspension rope, self suspension rope, loose rope, tight rope, weaved rope, friction rope, stretching rope, challenging rope and others that I do not have names for. I began my journey with this scene from the moment it is decided to partake of rope. Music playing is my headspace shifts to being focused on the rope. Next comes the flow of where I began placing the rope on my body or where someone else does, what I love about this part is the stilling of my mind and thoughts. It just becomes about the rope and how it feels. Then there is a pause where I enjoy just being in the rope. I may have not finished the rope but I take a moment to be present in the rope and just feel physically, mentally, and emotionally. After this quite moment I continue placing rope or having it placed on me, when rope is done being placed it is not the end for me. This moment becomes a place of settling in and just being. Then at some point it is time for the rope to be removed and this is also part of the journey as I become still and present to the feeling of my physical body as rope is removed. When all the rope is off I just enjoy the being where I am at and it is still not the end for me. My scene journey ends when I can feel myself at peace. 

Describing this makes me wonder how being a rope bunny can be a role like being a Dominate or Submissive. I am not sure but I know that I crave rope. With all the lost and failings I feel when I do rope none of that matters, I just get to be in the present moment that is me. I did not realizes until righting this that rope is a scene for me not just a means to bind be to get to something else. I want to explore with rope whether on my one or with others. I have not realized the signifiants of rope for me, the beauty it holds.

The simplicity that is rope. 

This is a tightness in my chest and sadness in my heart, I am stuggling with the most important things that matters me. I have been working hard seeking help, asking questions, doing self assments, and still nothing....ugh. I have worked so hard to be a healthy, honest, and trust worthy person. I have tried to grown beyond my upbring and relationships that negatively affected me and I just feel like I am failing. I am in a relationship and I feel like I am failing that to. I am aware of so much more today and my own worst enemy is me. I came into this scening knowing that here I would find a place that I could express myself and explore needs I have but instead I have bulked. I find it hard to trust and I am not sure how to approach things. I have educated myself, used my intellect to learn and grow but still things are not working.

Maybe it is me, maybe it is my inability to be heathy but I feel like I am taking steps to be healthy. I did not come into this scene to fix me. I found it after I began my journey of health. I started looking at my needs and wants, those insights are what brought me here. Everything is just so hard. I am not great with conversations, I miss so many social norms and just feel like I cannot do this. 

I did not know how much I became of afraid of the world around me or people until I began to start interacting again. So now I work on those fears and worries but it just is not enough. I just see the unhealthy less than person that is me. I have that my brain keeps telling me I am not worthy and the it is all my fault. I know that is not true, a part of me knows that I am amazing but I cannot seem to bring that person out. I just do not know what to do any more and I just feel so lost. I feel like it is me againt a world that I do not understand. 

So many ideas war in my head and I am losing my ability to express my needs because I feel shame for having them. I just feel  like I am not good to or for any one and will fail everyone. 

With a heavy heart and much sadness, I am struggling.