So these "quotes" from yesterday and this morning are more thoughts in my head than actually spoken out loud.
"Son of a biscuit" I was opening the package for my butter but left the side flipped down, and wound up ripping the paper all the way across. Smh, simple steps I forgot to take to resolve my own issues.
"I am alone" I have been struggling lately with being focused on those around me. I find solace in the fact that I am now responsible for everything in my life, and if something isn't accomplished it's because I didn't do it. I need to combat my procrastination and this solitary thought managed to help motivate me greatly.
"Exist in silence" On my drive into work I took some time to shut everything off. I turned off my music, I turned off my mind and I simply existed inside my car on my way to work. It's a process of trying my best to stay grounded in this moment and not get distracted by all the "noise" around me.
So the whole point of this blog is to refocus myself. Lately I have had a desire to take a small step back from this site and do a little less communicating. Unfortunately I have a hard time doing that because I find insight and support from reading the blogs. Learning from others and what they have been going through.
I have found myself getting distracted though by the constant conversations I have been having. I want to focus on speaking with these people, so I allow myself to take time whether that be 15 minutes or sometimes hours to respond to messages. The issue is I have way too much that needs to be taken care of in my physical life. Those things immediately around me.
I work a 12 hour shift, and because of the drive time to work I spend around 14 hours away from home on a typical day. Now if I need to stop for groceries or run any other errands I have very little time in the evenings to get anything done. I need to look after the 5 animals I own, as well as myself and all the important tasks of owning a house. When I have such limited time to accomplish the things that need to be addressed in my life even taking 5 minutes to speak with someone may not seem like a lot but it can make a massive difference, especially when we begin to chat back and forth for the next 3 hours.
I came to the realization that I also become way to attached to those that I speak with. Just because we connect and I feel a companionship with that person doesn't mean we are actually compatible. Yesterday I had to take a hard look at myself, and make the tough decision to talk with my one friend less. Ultimately we have so much fun talking, but I find myself falling deeper and deeper into focusing on her conversations to the point where I was neglecting some aspects of my life. She also helped motivate me to take care of those things, but at the same time was a constant distraction. Someone I wanted to speak with, and enjoyed communicating but in the grand scheme of everything we are not a good fit for each other. It wouldn't work out between us because of some critical differences. We both know that it won't go any further than friendship but I was hoping that maybe there was a chance. I had to give myself a reality check. This amazing person is helping me to grow, and has allowed space for me in a such a way that I have found new depths to myself. There is so much that she has done for me, yet at the same time I need to step back slightly and focus on me. Focus on my existence.
Exist in silence, in this moment. No more or less than you can be. I am alone. Not lonely, as I have support and friends but alone. No one can help me achieve what I need to in life. Either I take it myself or allow all that I am to stagnate. I have been having more success and stepping back is just what I need to really embrace this small amount of time that I have to myself.
It turns out my wife will be returning home sooner than anticipated which means I now have less time to work and focus on me. Not that having her in the house makes much of a difference, but there is a freedom in being as loud as I want, as wacky as I want and that I must become fully responsible for my own life and all that falls under my care. When she is here, it doesn't necessarily stop me from continuing doing all that I'm working on but it makes a difference. Her presence means I don't have to be as strict with myself because she can feed the dogs in the morning if I don't have time, or clean part of the house while I'm at work. When I'm alone, I need to be in charge of all responsibility and nothing gets done if I don't do it. It creates discipline, and focus in my life. Something I need. I wish I had a little more time to myself, but such is life. I just need to recognize my opportunities when they present themselves and make the absolute most out of them.
No more procrastination. No more laziness. No more allowing myself to get away with murder. It's time to make lasting change in my own life. To focus on existing in silence. To remember I am alone. To move forward diligently and continue to make progress.
I hope today is a beautiful day and that you remember to smile!