Okay.....
I'm going to be honest. I'm a tiny bit disappointed in myself. I have been taking more and more time away from the site as it's become slightly less of a priority in some ways in my life.
Sooo, in general a tiny update. Things are improving. I've made more efforts to be active and involved in those around me. I had a chance to go floating with a friend and got into some activities that have been a long time coming. I used to white water raft, canoe and all sorts of things on the rivers and creeks around my area. I haven't touched water in what has felt like years (except to shower, but even then I have taken months off at a time from even doing that. I should mention previously, I do try and maintain a more consistent level of hygiene and maintaining my health currently)
So I spent some time getting things done, taking care of necessary tasks and errands that required my attention. I've even been more social at events and parties hosted by those at my work. Normally I am forgotten about and typically not invited to these events, which normally doesn't bother me. I like being left alone, because I don't feel a genuine effort from their part to participate in my life. There is literally one work acquaintance that I consider a legitimate friend because he will invite me to participate. He invited me to go float, he invited me to that party. He's the only person who ever thinks "What about Jon?".
The thing is I've begun to encounter more people who care to participate in my life. I'm realizing as more individuals are drawn to me in whatever form or capacity that there is less need that I require from anyone around me. I have myself, and a much stronger sense of my worth. Especially when I have amazing people who care deeply for me. How can I deny what they see in me and my ability? I mean I constantly feel like I'm too young to offer anything. I mean what experience do I have that can help improve someone else's day??? Seriously, when it comes to the lifestyle and interacting with people I feel like all I happen to do is take. I feel like sometimes all I do is absorb and pull in all the energy around me and leave those who give to me without any reciprocation. The thing is I've spoken with those people constantly. I've asked them over and over "What benefit do I bring to you?" I've asked myself over and over "What value do I bring?"
Sometimes. The answer is as simple as happiness.
Sometimes, the answer is a lot more satisfying that I have managed to change how someone sees the world and interacts with it. I've managed to improve someones life by simply existing.
So why do I constantly doubt myself? Why do I still argue and complain and say "I'm not good enough?" When I have talented, smart, caring, lovely people who believe in my ability? Who say I'm good enough, who say what I have to offer is valued and important. That I do matter and I do make a difference.
The thing is I WILL make a difference in those that choose to interact with me. Whether that difference is positive or negative would depend on our personal interactions and a clash between our beliefs. Or their respective alignment.
There was one other thing I had wanted to mention.
Last night during work I watched a Ted x talk about leaders. And how they should be addicts.
The premise was this. There are 3 things that are required to survive being an addict.
NUMBER 1) Your unreserved authenticity.
Your ability to show up, to be emotionally vulnerable, to be present, to be nothing more or less than you.
NUMBER 2) Surrender the outcome
This I need to work on constantly. All I can manage is all that my skills and abilities can bring forth. After that I can't do anything except see what the outcome will be.
NUMBER 3) Do uncomfortable work.
It takes action to improve things in our lives, and most of the time the work is crummy. It's hard and challenging. But we don't grow when we overcome molehills. I mean it isn't that much effort to get over a molehill. But when you tackle a mountain and end up on the other side that is when drastic and permanent change can happen.
I have an opportunity to gain a new skill set. I have new kink and fetishes to explore and discover.
I have a lot of potential and exciting moments just on my horizon.
I'm getting more excited and ready for the necessary changes in my life. I want to embrace them and make a radical improvement to my life. It is possible, it just takes effort. The right mentality. The right determination.
I'm making progress and I won't stop, and to those who care to spend their time interaction with me I want to thank you. You constantly show me what it means to give and share compassion. When you can offer help and healing from around the world you are someone extraordinary. I'm impressed and floored each day that you manage all you can. I'm damn lucky to have a friend as honest and forward as you, and I deeply appreciate that I can trust who you are and what you say because in every moment you have proven your worth and your measure. You are phenomenal and I hope to see you grow.
Be well everyone, and I hope today brings you a smile. We all deserve happiness and joy, let's come together and share that which we can create with each other.