Well hello again friends,
Today has been a good day, in many ways.
So let us begin simply.
I have owned 2 properties. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I have had the bank own two properties that I have attempted to make payments on so that I could own them. The first property that I ever held with my name there also happened to be my wife's name and 2 other people on that mortgage.... That quickly turned into a pile of excrement and perhaps that story will find its way here one day. But that entire situation was ridiculous and even though it occured I'm not sure if the details really matter.
Well regardless, that property we all stayed there for just about 4 years. We managed to make it work somehow, although tensions built up and an absolute perfect storm of terrible occured. But that's not the point of this blog.
This house was "owned" by all 4 of us. Although even how that occured was riddled with red flags that my wife and I ignored because we were trying to be good people. Anyways, we lived there for 4 years. During this time the entire property was in complete disrepair. I have to say I did not take responsibility for the property. I mean sure I wound up mowing the lawn here or there and sometimes I put in work. But the issue was the people we lived with didn't put any effort into the property either. It became a "well you didn't hold up your end, so why should I?"
Well I could go on and on about the neglect in that property. Suffice it to say the important part was this. I OWNED that house. I DID NOT take care of it. I was EMBARRASSED to be seen walking into that house somedays. The issue that I had with it?
It LOOKED like the people living there were renting. There was no care or consideration for the well being of the space. You would have been hard pressed to look at the house and say "Those people who live there care about how their space looks." Honestly it was a disgrace and it was difficult to walk through those doors. The atmosphere once you got inside was stifling. It got to the point where we didn't speak with our roommates and would actively avoid each other as much as possible. My wife spent all of her time inside her room because she felt safe there and no where else inside her entire home did she feel comfortable. It was a hard thing to watch, and I was so happy when we managed to purchase our own house for just us 2. Even though things have shifted and we are no longer together, we still get along pretty well. Even within these last few weeks our relationship has improved and I am very happy to be able to retain her friendship and be able to do simple things beside and for her.
So come October I will have been in the property that was supposed to be just us 2. Now that it's a single one, I'm trying to figure out whether or not this is somewhere I will be able to remain and thrive. Would being somewhere closer to work be a more optimal option for me as a single individual? The thing is I do really like my house, and it was bought with the intention is of fitting the needs of my wife as much as possible for the options that we looked at. We viewed close to 30 homes before deciding on this one.
Here's the thing, since we moved in late October the house had previously been unoccupied. The grass had grown to gross proportions, and was a little unruly. But we had just moved across the province, and didn't have the tools set up to take care of the lawn. The mower and weed whipper were stored away and I was not in the mood to try and get them set up so I could take care of the lawn.
Then came 5 months of snow.
And the eventual thaw.
So.
Not only was the grass unkept my 3 dogs had been using the bathroom all winter. I had rarely been outside to pick any poop up.
Trust me when I say there was a shit load...
So, the whole reason I'm speaking about all of this today?
Because this morning, for the first time since living here I have managed to take care of my front and back yard completely. After working through these past few weeks I have managed to put a tiny bit of effort towards cleaning up my yard. In the front and in the back.
Guess which took longer? (The correct answer lies within your rear)
Today, for the first time in 5 years I have not been embarrassed by my home.
For the first time since owning a property it actually looks like the person who lives there really does care about the place they live in.
It no longer looks like a renter is stuck within the community.
I'm really proud of the effort I've put towards my home, and to have finally accomplished a tough task that I did not enjoy doing is a good step in the right direction of where I need to head.
The thing is I still struggle.
I read a blog this afternoon while having a walk through the park. I sat down at a picnic table and looked through my phone. I saw DaddyDrago had updated his blog. I always try my best to go through and catch any of his readings. Because yet again he was literally inside my head.
Earlier today I forgot to bring my facemask with me to come into town.
I did not realize this until I walked up to the door of the bank and looked at the sign mentioning the new by-law requiring a facemask inside a property.
That sent me into a bit of a spiral of self inflicted frustration. It stemmed from my forgetfulness. My incompetence. My fucking moronic self.
I did manage to come up with a plan that eventually led me to getting my new debit card, (because I had lost mine just a few days ago on my second day of work) so I did get everything I had come into town to do. I got it taken care of today without having to come back.
But I was struggling coming up with ways to combat that negative self loathing.
This blog spoke to me on a level that fit into everything I had just FELT and struggled with just hours ago.
It gave me a gentle reminder that we all have our moments and they aren't always happy, we all struggle with our own demons no matter what they look like.
I have been improving with being able to stabilize myself when I rock my boat with negativity. The thing is I want to accel and not rock at all. I want to be the absolute best at everything I do.
I don't want to be second in anything and yet it seems more often I can barely show up. There are a tremendous amount of talented people that exist in this world. If you compete with enough people you will eventually find someone who ends up being better than you.
The thing is I desire to be the best in the world at something.
It doesn't really matter, it could be the game of tiddlywinks for all I care.
But to be so capable to not be bested by anyone that happens to challenge you. Wouldn't it be fantastic to be the best in the world at something?
Yet I doubt I will ever achieve that level of mastery in anything. That is one in a few billion chance.
The thing is I can improve the things I do in my life. I have been lately in fact. With some consistent effort. More consistent effort I should say.
Whether I ever manage to be the absolute best in the world at something I will always work at just getting better. Improvement is still worthwhile.
I need to be my own measure to which I am evaluated.
I'm slowly learning this, but it's a very hard lesson for me.
I need to run as I have a class to attend, but I hope you all have a wonderful evening.
*Points to self*
This guy