Hello once again friends,
I hope you all are well today. So I'm not going to lie I have felt a little defeated over the past few days. Well spots and moments where I felt defeated.
I even attempted to write a blog a few days ago and when I was about halfway done expressing myself I checked one thing on my phone and lost all my progress. It was a blog that was close to my heart and I put so much energy into writing it. I was exceptionally happy with what I had expressed and all of the thoughts and emotions I was trying to impart. When that blog entered the abyss I said "Fuck this, I am not going to try and repeat that glorious formation of words because I won't be able to remember everything I said." I had tentative plans to write another blog later that night which never occured and here we are days after the fact finally sitting down to write out another attempt. Hopefully I can make it all the way through on this one. Else it might be another week before I post again....
I've had so many ideas and thoughts that have passed through my noodle, each one of "Oh man, I need to write about this" but eventually I get distracted by my day and the thought slips away. Usually not to return.
This thought process today has stuck with me and continued to revolve and rotate and transform while rolling around my brain space.
So let's begin, shall we?
The initial thought began with reading a blog of a Dom that I'd never bothered reading before. I saw the title and had interest and clicked on the blog. The cliff notes for the blog were as follows:
1) How do you know you've found the one?
2) You get along great, things are amazing and then suddenly it fizzles out or after years of being together suddenly it seems like there isn't anything else to be gained.
He made mention that he had found love, it was reciprocated and yet even then in that situation where your kinks align and you love each other but yet somehow it all ends up crashing and burning. It didn't end where he thought and she wasn't "The One".
Of a few more blogs Ive read it seems that this has been a theme.
People pointing out how do you even manage telling someone after you've spent years getting to know them that this dynamic just isn't quite what you need or are looking for?
Now, I'm going to put words on this "paper". Please feel free to disagree or be pissed off. This is just my thoughts and opinions on the matter based on my life experiences and what I have seen. If this bothers you then that's okay, I can't change you. But perhaps you might want to evaluate why this is sticking in your craw that you can't close your mouth.
Soap. (I use this instead of so from time to time)
I'm in a very different place and have had a few interactions that have shifted my views on the matter of relationship, friendship, marriage and the communing of souls.
Yes I do believe that there is someone out there that was meant and made for you. I do believe in the concept of "The One" but I've also read blogs in which they have broached this subject and found out that your soulmate or however you would like to describe this person is not actually the best fit for a relationship. Who knows whether that's actually true or not, and to be honest I don't think it particularly matters at all.
Why doesn't it matter?
Because of my perspective. I am extremely blessed and fortunate and I have been given much in my life. To be honest if I didn't have the support of my friends, family and just random people that I sometimes have barely known I would not be where I am today. From the property I live in, to the way I process information.
Allow me to be clear though, just because I've had help does not mean I've sat on my ass and done NOTHING. I used to. I used to procrastinate and push all of the necessary and important things in my life to the side because I had no love for myself and could not find the motivation to do this for *ME*. I'm changing that about myself slowly and it's really hard. I see myself falter more times than I care, and it stings everytime. Why can't I just be all the things I need to? Why can't I just be exactly who I desire? But it's a path, a journey, an adventure. It takes steps and you have to take time to allow yourself a 180 and look back and realize "Yes, I'm not where I want to be, but look how far I have managed to make it so far. And I'm not done yet".
I've even taken some very very good advice and realized when I've not been applying it to my own life.
"You must meet the minimum of your own requirements" this has been some of the best advice Ive gotten. It's about being accountable and taking command of your own life and handling what you need to. It's about acting with integrity and honour and being able to say "I've set these rules in place and *I* follow them, my expectation is that you will follow them as well".
So let's take this and realize what that means for me.
When I speak with my friends and communicate to them one of the things I say all the time is "Don't worry, focus on what's in front of you. I'm a conversation over the internet and ultimately I can't help or change much about your situation. If your kid is crying you have to attend that, if your dog needs a walk that takes priority, your life around you is more significant than a conversation with me" Here's the thing though, I've fallen into the trap of not recognizing and taking care of what's DIRECTLY in front of me. I say to everyone else don't worry and deal with what's in front of you and yet I can fail in that way myself. I'm not holding to my own requirements. But I'm learning.
I even had a moment where I was supposed to meet up with a friend. She was extremely busy and missed our meetup time. She was a little bit late. When we began the conversation she immediately apologized and I nearly fell back into my old habits. The thing is this. I was deserved an apology. My tendency was to always say to her "You don't have to apologize, you have a busy life going on". But we had already pressed our meeting time back and she was still late. If I ever show up to an event, a meeting, a promise to a friend that I say goodnight or that I will show up on time and I'm late, I WILL APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY. I don't like to be late for things, I believe that punctuality is important even though I don't manage my time as well as I should. (Room for improvement) The important thing was though for once in my life, I didn't make excuses for her being late. I didn't say "Don't apologize" because if it were me? If I had shown up late I would be expressing my remorse for not making it on time. So I instead of brushing it under the rug and saying it didn't matter I finally changed my answer. I accepted her apology and thanked her for still making it. I admitted to myself that I was owed an apology and that if I brushed it under the rug I was actually doing a disservice to my friend.
Part of this lifestyle is being held accountable. I mean punishment is a way to atone for your misdeeds. It's literally a huge part of the whole dynamic. And part of the fun.
The most important part though is being able to acknowledge and accept that "If this is a standard I would hold to myself, then I must hold it for other people". If I would apologize for my tardiness, then so should someone else when they "waste" my time. In this example I didn't actually consider me waiting for her a waste of my time, because I was excited for us to interact. Especially since we have begun story time and are reading a book together!! I look forward to this moment when we can find time together to read a story and a book series that she hasn't finished.
Okay, so relationships. I actually almost don't enjoy that term because relationships are pressure. They are drama and intensity. Not saying that's a bad thing, but emotions run extremely high and can cause all sorts of pain and hurt. But pain and hurt exist each day within all aspects of our life. It's a constant and can't be avoided.
I have spent 1/3 of my lifetime with a single person that I was with for 10 years. All of my adult life up until around 7 months ago I was with the exact same person. We had fights, and pain. I caused her damage and hurt her. She caused me pain sometimes and left me feeling really shitty somedays. Since our separation and subsequent work on mentality we have rekindled our friendship and are better friends now than we ever have been.
Here's my point.
My interaction with my now ex, is better than it ever has been. Why? Because I've first approached her and all of the interactions and friendships in my life with brutal honesty.
I am doing everything in my power to live with integrity, and part of that is allowing all those I choose to interact with in significant ways that they be allowed to know what is going on with me and my other interactions. This alone has FREED me. I don't have to hide who I am, or what I've done because everyone knows where I'm at. I mean yes, have I faltered and made mistakes?
DAILY!!!!
I have missed opportunities in some cases to be completely forthright, but I have done the hard work and presented myself before them saying "I messed up".
The thing is I do not want drama in my life. I want to live simply. That doesn't mean things won't be complicated and messy, but I want to sort and organize that mess so that it holds some form outside of pure chaos.
So this idea of "The One". I believe in it, and I believe that I have also managed to find someone who completely embodies my physical desires. She was made for me. I do believe that, and as we are interacting we are finding out more about ourselves. We have had chances to explore and come to terms with who we are. And found that it's an extremely close and insane connection that we both have to each other. Currently we are friends with benefits and nothing more.
So here comes this whole idea that I have been ruminating on for the past few days.
Why does it matter if you have found The One? What about that interaction is different than others? What is it you are searching for and does the other person fit into that?
The thing is though you have to break down your interactions into "Does this have value". I am beginning to explore new avenues of myself. Because of my interaction with my friend. That has value to me.
When I can help change the way someone views their world or speaks to others because I impacted their life. That has value to me.
When I can offer a unique and special variation to maybe something you've already tried, but I did it in my own way that can't be replicated by ANYONE else. That has value to me.
So why are we so hung up on finding the perfect person we will spend the rest of our days with?
I mean I have many perfect people in my life. Each one adds value to me, in their own unique and special way. The thing is I desire for them to remain in my life for the rest of my life. I don't care if I call them friends, roommates, lovers, my wife, my sub, my girl. It doesn't matter. What matters is that they remain in my life.
So how do I go about accomplishing that?
I can't.
My wife was going to be mine for the rest of my life, oh wait.... That didn't happen. I had it all planned out and surprise surprise the way life twisted I wound up alone.
But I'm not alone.
Now I have more impactful, deep and meaningful interactions with many people that I call friends, acquaintances and other varying titles. So does the title really matter? I'm certain for some it does, but for right now in my life the titles don't actually make a difference. The difference is in whether or not there is value to your interaction. I have found by breaking down my relationships into this more simplified formula that it has offered me a greater amount of freedom to be myself. To add value to those around me and gain value and search out the value from the interactions I've manifested.
Now, if I may take you even further into the rabbit hole.
I have 2 friends of which both have a significant and deep importance to my life.
Why were these 2 individuals people that pulled me to them? What was it about these interactions that I felt connected to?
Well let's start with something very simple. Friend A and I were speaking. It was a very interesting conversation and while we were chatting I asked her a question. The funny part? When she answered her answer as much as it answered my initial question, actually had very little to do with that. The real question she answered was the first off my vetting list. And holy fuck did she answer it. Not only was her answer one of my deepest desires wrapped up in her own words, the extent to which she explained. Offered brutal and revealing honesty into her mind, her process, HER deep and real desires. In that moment I felt an immediate connection, I felt like we were made for each other. And as we have continued our interactions that feeling from my side has only grown. She embodies my desire, holds space for me every which way she can. She holds me accountable, she pushes me when I need a shove, she doesn't allow me to wallow in my own self pity. She makes me a better man. Quite simply she is stunning. She offers me immense value and each interaction whether it's understanding she has needs and desires that I cannot help her with and only tease her more, and accepting that I cannot do much of anything for her. So allowing her the opportunity (and when I say "allow" she asks my opinion and I offer it to her) I'm not saying she can or can't, because that's not my place. I'm not her dom, I'm not her sub. I'm not anything other than someone who has added value to my life because of my interaction with her. So why should I hold her back? Why should I restrict her when I have no control over her? That isn't fair of me, especially since I can't offer to satisfy her physical needs when I'm across the continent from her. So she has every right as a single female to approach any person she wishes, she can interact anyway she wishes, and she can be freely and wholly herself. The best part? She allows me the same courtesy and opportunities. She doesn't restrict me, she allows space for me in all the ways I need it. I make her laugh, and I bring joy to her life. She does the same for me. She is someone who I desire to have in the rest of my life, now the question remains how do I ensure that she stays apart of my life as long as possible. I believe the answer to that is remaining open and honest. To not place expectations around the interaction. To allow value to simply be that value. If it ever occurs that there is nothing gained from our interaction then we will have to walk that path when we get to it. I hope that never occurs. I hope we can remain in each others lives but I've also come to the understanding that we all change. What we need, how we see the world. If a dramatic shift occurs you have to deal with it immediately. You have to be prepared to bring brutal and radical honesty to the situation. This doesn't mean it won't hurt, and that you will be free from pain. If this person matters to you then separating from them will feel like ripping half of you away from yourself. It will hurt. There is no escaping that. But it's what you do with that pain. Do you wallow? Do you hide yourself away? Or do you do the hard work? Put effort into improving yourself?
Maybe I have a very skewed view of the situation but I have managed to reclaim past relationships through hard work. I have done it and so I can say it is possible. So what does that mean for the relationship with "The One" that broke down? If it does occur I am optimistic that I will be able to retain her friendship in a way that adds value to my life. Because so long as there is value in the interaction whether it's a tiny small iota, or an ocean that fills you to bursting value is value.
So let's jump into another example. Friend B and I have been getting to know each other much better over these last few months. This is actually one space where value for values sake has extreme importance.
Why?
Because for reasons that don't actually matter to the relevance of this blog, I won't be able to make her acquaintance for 10+ years. Her situation is such that we won't have a chance to meet in person for a very long time. Of course you can't know how everything will turn out, which is why this idea that value has value is a necessity. If it does occur that I don't have a chance to physically see her in over a decade then what are the chances we actually meet in person? I'm a radically different person than I was 5 months ago, so how in 10 years time can I plan to meet with this person? I believe in taking it one day at a time. Because she has added immense value to my life. Every interaction she has shown me what it means to be capable. She has taken the time to hold space and allows me to be comfortably me. There is no expectation of how I need to be or should act. She has aligned herself and shown me parts of who she is, the depths and deep dark spaces that very few people know. That is intimate. That is special. That is value. She is someone who has looked after my injuries from across the world, and given me practical advice that I was able to implement regardless of our distance to help myself feel and be better. She even managed with an off hand comment of my own to diagnose my friend who she knew nothing about except the tiny bit of information I gave her. That is value. We have had a very interesting series of interactions when we first began talking, and yet despite how well we were aligned it was not in the cards for us to continue talking, and I was actually banned from speaking with her in private messages.
*SIDE NOTE*
If you approach someone who is protected ensure you take the time to ask their protector for permission to speak with them. It's the same thing as asking a Dom if it's okay to speak with their sub. We have rules in place for those people's protection, and you need to abide by the decision made and honour that decision because it's made with the person's best interests in mind.
Despite the bumps, I looked at myself and did an evaluation. I noticed where I fell short and made adjustments. Since those adjustments I've been able to reconnect and interact in ways I never expected. The value I've recieved has been stupendous since we were able to reconnect and it's only grown from there.
I have been extremely fortunate to be a blessing in people's lives, and with those I interact with having been told "I have changed how I see this, or how I speak in this situation because of you." I know this isn't a one sided me receiving value. I give back as much as I get, and I hope that I return more than I receive. Because I want to add abundance into your life. I want to bring as much value into the interactions that have become commonplace to me. But I don't want any moment to be common.
Repetition and routine is very much apart of this lifestyle but I know for my personal experience repetition can become boring. It can become dull and drab and hard to continue on in. So a very critical point that I feel must be made is about bringing intention behind every action.
What's the difference between showering and actually taking the time to appreciate yourself through cleaning?
I can shower in 10 minutes. If I rush everything and go about it as quickly as possible. Sometimes if I'm really in a hurry it can be done in 5. But is that really showing appreciation for yourself? Honouring yourself? Not really, you are rushing past to get this task/chore/work done.
What about when you hold space for yourself? You intentionally imagine yourself relaxing? Allowing a few minutes to just enjoy the water cascade down on you? To massage your sore muscles prior to scrubbing your body or while you scrub yourself clean? There is a massive difference between the time it takes to get through the task and intentionally go through that task. I can take up to an hour when I intentionally show myself appreciation while I'm showering.
So for me, when I create simple little routines it's not just about accomplishing them. It's about remaining diligent. Remaining true to the intention behind the act. Allowing to focus on the intention behind the 1000th time I've already gone over and done this. Because that intention turns this everyday mundane task into something more. Something with meaning. Something with purpose.
So how do you know if you can find someone who will forever remain in your life?
Well I hold no expectations.
I look for value, that I may offer it and that I may receive it.
I act with intention, even if I don't know what I'm doing.
I educate myself, so those instances where I don't know what I'm doing are few and far between.
I think part of the issue is that you expect someone who will be in your life for the entire duration to be someone significant like your wife/sub. The thing is what if they were just your friend? What if it never went beyond friendship? But there was still value? There was still hints of the lifestyle because you can simply ask them to fill up your vape while you are on the way home so that it's ready for you the minute you walk through the door? Like having a glass of your favourite whiskey ready for you so you can sit and relax after a hard day of work?
Why does the title matter? Why isn't value for values sake enough?
I mean we all want that special person to enter our life, and we find them all over the place. But when you do find them how do you ensure they remain in your life? I believe your actions will determine that. I mean maybe the universe will have its say as well and put roadblocks in your way. But perhaps those roadblocks are there for a reason and it's not quite the right time for you to interact with that person because you have work on yourself to do. I mean we have no idea how or why certain things occur, but when you take the ego out of it and allow life to exist. To just be yourself and see where things go. All the while trying your best to be the best version of yourself and putting in the work where you see your own shortcomings. Or if you have someone brave enough to point it out to you, don't allow anger and emotion to overwhelm you. Sure take your time feel the loss, that sense of "Fuck I wish I was more or better" then do the hard work. Evaluate and take the time to say "Why do you view me that way, is there honesty in it?" More often than not those people are telling you this because they see a pattern in your behaviour and believe you can be better. Of course you need to be conscious that some people are assholes and have no reason other than putting you down makes them feel better. Which is why asking the question of "Is this honest" can be instrumental in realizing when someone is projecting their own shit onto you, or if they actually see a shortcoming you haven't yet recognized.
But you have to use your best judgement, and allow space for whatever opportunities arise within your life.
I have no idea if the friendships I've cultivated will remain in my life for the duration, but I know I can have a hand in trying my best to ensure they remain there.
I hope you all have a wonderful day and find value in my words.
SUPER IMPORTANT PIECE I FORGOT TO MENTION.
Yeah so all of this is great and awesome but I forgot to add one little tidbit.
No one can make you happy.
You must be able to be happy within yourself. To bring your own version of joy, and happiness because no one in life can make you happy. It must already exist within you.
If you are searching for someone else to bring you joy and lift up your life then you are asking them to do everything for you and the minute you are away from them everything will be dismal, dark and horrendous. You need to be able to sing in the sunshine by yourself. To experience joy and light and laughter on your own.
No one else can manage this for you.
You must bring your own happiness to any interaction.
Yeah totally forgot to mention this and had to edit the post because it's only *SLIGHTLY* important. Oh did I say slightly? Yeah I meant *MASSIVELY* IMPORTANT!!!!
Anyways, have a grand day.