Hello again friends,
I hope you are well this evening. I just finished my day at work, I'm finally home and able to relax on my couch for about 2 minutes before I should get my evening going. I've been wanting to write a blog but lately it seems I have been at a loss as to what I should be writing about.
The thing is writing is for me. It has to because as much as I wish to express myself and have people hear my words, and experience joy, gain knowledge and value into their life I can't actually make that happen.
At all.
All I can ever do is be me, authentically and as openly as possible.
So today, I had a few thoughts running through my mind. It had to do with my ex, and how similar we are in many ways. The things we desire within a dynamic or relationship are pretty similar. The thing is I had 10 years to "get it right" and I never really did. Not the way she needed. Not the way she expected.
Even now, I wonder if perhaps I might be more suited to fitting into her life but the thing is I do fit into her life. I'm her friend. We had our chance and it's gone now, she is moving onto bigger and better things for her and I am as well.
Allow me to give one example, with my ex she requires cuddle time. The thing is she doesn't need it to be anything more than cuddle time. It doesn't have to go anywhere for her, it doesn't need to lead to sex. Sometimes that is exactly what she wanted and needed. Was just someone who would cuddle with her without taking it further.
Throughout all of the separation and the time I've spent by myself I have realized how much I desire to cuddle. I want to feel the closeness of those that I've interacted with. I want to be someone who can sit on a couch with my person and have that be enough.
Despite our desires aligning, I still wasn't capable of offering her the cuddle time she required.
The thing is I desire to be able to offer whatever is required. Honestly in so many ways to those I spend time with and choose to spend time on, I want the best of myself. I want to offer the best of my ability, the best version that I am capable of bringing. I want to embody "the best" of everything. I want to bring the most joy into your life, the most happiness, the most support, the best support.
I want to succeed, and success is being reliable. Dependable. Trustworthy. It is being capable. Not just for the other person but for myself.
I have been working through some of these feelings of how do I handle other people? I remember reading a blog many moons ago when I first found this website. It was titled "Investigate" (I think) and I do not remember the author of the post. But in it the critical point was brought up about asking why? His focus was on the dynamic when an s type perhaps failed a task. The importance was on finding out why they failed. Asking around and looking at all the options and try to determine if there was a reason for that failure that was perhaps an oversight on the d types part. Or any other reason. But the important part was about showing your s type that you aren't looking to punish her. You are methodically evaluating what happened and WHY.
The thing is, I've put my noodle space power behind this idea and realized the critical part isn't just in asking your s type why, but yourself.
What is the intention behind this task set before your s type? Why are you getting them to *insert task here*? Do you have an intended goal? What's the gameplan for moving from this task to the next? What's the guidelines and where will be the destination? What is your intention behind all of this?
The thing that you need to be aware of is why you are asking your s type for whatever you're asking them for.
One issue that I'm currently running into, is my intentions for my desire. I am beginning to understand what I like more and more. I'm beginning to make amazing friends and learn about those I spend my time with. I'm beginning to find friends who have similar kink that I do and yet I find myself wondering will it be the same as my ex?
How is this different this time? Have I made enough progress within myself to be different and act differently? Because I made some very poor choices in my past relationships.
I can't and won't hide the fact that I have made many mistakes.
The thing is I wanted to be everything for my ex, and that sense of desire to be all for someone is still there. I want to be everything. I can't actually do that. All I can do is show up, and be me.
Is that enough? Will I be seen? Will the similarities that coincide between me and those that have interest in me actually be the same? Would I be capable of offering that which is required, desired, requested?
The thing that's terrifying to remember throughout all of this though? ANYONE can say "No, this isn't working for me" for whatever reason. It seems people tend to forget this, as much time as we may dedicate to getting to know someone you have to realize there is potential that you can and have every right to say "This isn't the right fit for me", regardless of how many hours, days, months or maybe even years you have spent cultivating a relationship together. I mean hopefully it's a "This isn't the right dynamic but we can still be friends" because let's be honest if you have spent every day talking for the last year and a half or even a few months, you should know that person pretty well and hopefully consider each other friends. It would hurt to retain that friendship and it is a huge struggle to maintain that boundary. But you have to respect the other person enough to say "I might be wrong for you".
I mean with my ex if I could have been honest with her at the beginning at least she could have had perhaps 9 years to find someone she could actually be happy with. Because ultimately I wanted her happiness. Of course I wanted her happiness to come from me, (I have since realized how broken that thinking is) but I wanted to be the reason she smiled. I wanted to be the reason she had joy in her heart. I wanted to be the thing that answered her problems, gave her hope, and love, and the care she needed.
I want this for all those I interact with. I want to be the best me possible, and I want to be someone that adds value to your life in my own unique way that no one else can copy. I want to add immense value, that fills and exceeds everything else that has been offered before. I want to create a unique interaction that regardless of your level of experience is something new and exciting for you. Despite my desire to be all things I honestly can't ever be that. I can't be more than who I am, and I am not more capable than where I'm at right now.
Do I have potential to be more? Well everyone says so. So is it possible that tomorrow or months or years from now I might live up to that full potential? I hope so.
That is my earnest desire. To be unmatched in my ability to be all for those that mean the world to me.
Will I achieve that?
I can't say. I'm not a mind reader, nor can I see into the future. What I CAN do is work on being better today than I was yesterday, with plans of being better tomorrow.
I have to change the way I view the word "No" and the fear of hearing those I spend my time with saying it. It's necessary to say no sometimes, and sometimes it's the most correct answer.
With this in mind though, "At anytime they may choose to walk away" the opposite is also true. "At any time they may choose me".
So let's say you do get picked.
The thing is the question shifts to "You have chosen me but this day will you choose me again?" Dynamics that last years are still built one day at a time.
Remembering that is important.
I feel like sharing some of the music I listen to.
Just a few songs that will populate my ear holes that I choose to listen to.
Have a wonderful evening everyone.