Hello Cage friends.
Holy hecktackles this has been a few days of emotions and highs. I have much to share and I am so happy to be sharing this information today.
So this lifestyle has changed my life. Pure and simple. I am very much a different man than I was a few days ago and yet I can't even recognize myself compared to when I was 18. (Although that might be because I look like Sonic the Hedgehog today since I didn't shower yesterday and my hair is a freaking mess)
But I had an experience on my last night shift that really changed my perception of myself. I feel as if I am new, reborn and more myself than I ever have been.
Now this story I'm about to share I will do my best to make known all that there is to tell, but I won't lie it was a hectic experience and I might miss some details and probably even end up paraphrasing myself. But let's dive in.
So I had a few things to accomplish, this was Wednesday night and my coworker and I were doing our job crushing the jobs that popped up on our queue. We still both had an opportunity (which was my last chance) to apply for the foreman position even though the posting actually closes in 3 minutes it's currently 8:57 while I am writing these words. Anyways the reason that was my last opportunity to apply is because I'm at home and there was no way I was driving into town to hand in my application. Why not do it while at work and while it's the most efficient time to do so. Well I did manage to put my hat in the ring and we shall see what comes of it. Either I get it or I don't. But that's not the point of this story. I just wanted to toot my own horn as I was able to do something good for myself.
My coworkers girlfriend actually invited us over for a party. She was wanting to celebrate the Chinese New Year, so once we managed to take care of all of our work we wound up making our way over to her house.
She invited us in, and introduced us to the 1 other person there. It was a fantastic 4 person party including myself. Honestly that's the kind of party I enjoy a little bit smaller and nothing super insane, but it also depends on my mood but typically in large loud parties I end up finding a "quietish" corner and hang out there. I know how to small talk, it's just not always the most enjoyable for me. I would rather have an in depth conversation with 1 or 2 people than speak to 50 about the same 2 topics.
So there we were having a fun an eventful time, she welcomed us into her home and wanted to share in the celebration with us. She offered us food and drink and all sorts of the usual party fairs. There was a little bit of music on the background but it wasn't very loud or obnoxious. (Which I liked). Now here's where things got interesting.
**Okay, I need to point out just a bit of background information to help bring understanding to this situation. First let me say this I was extremely grateful to be there, I was extremely grateful to have been offered what I was, and I was enjoying myself the entire time. Now my partner's girlfriend just recently had a wonderful moment for herself. She was assisting with some less than fortunate souls and during that interaction she wound up deciding for herself what her street name would be. Essentially her nickname. She called herself Queen, and subsequently her boyfriend King. Now let me say this they do not participate in bdsm and until this evening she was unaware of bdsm outside of the typical vanilla response. These names hold no association with the title**
She was having a wonderful time, and I won't lie there was a tiny part of me that felt like a dick but the thing is I take this lifestyle very seriously. So as we began to sit down she offered all of us some chowder that she had made and all manner of different things to eat. When we sat down to her table we were all about to begin eating when she suddenly felt the need for everyone to recognize her nickname. She wanted me to acknowledge and call her Queen. Everyone else had already acknowledged and called her Queen and were beginning to dig in. But I had to take a big deep breath. She had absolutely no idea *to me* what she was asking. Now I understand this is just a nickname. Honestly I could have easily called her that and enjoyed my steaming hot bowl of chowder along with my drink and the rest of the evening would have spun out completely differently. Now to me, she was asking something so simple but there is a much deeper meaning that I associate with the title Queen, because I very much only view it as a title. If I were to offer that title it is to someone who has earned it from me, not just with offerings of food and drink and welcoming me into her home. Any friend would do the same. The title Queen is reserved for one who has shown me that I am held within a very VERY special place within her heart. That she cares for me with the depth of her soul and that she would protect, guide, cherish and love the mother loving crap out of me. I would do anything for my Queen and I do not take giving up that title to anyone easily.
So we begin the insanity.
She requested that I call her Queen, I took my deep breath and slowly exhaled. I told her, "I'm sorry, but I can't do that". The immediate look on my partner's face was one of understanding. He at least knows that bdsm goes beyond sex. That sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with being sexually intimate. Here is another part of why I couldn't do that, and that I explained to her. I have 3 very close friends that I consider to be candidates for a potential dynamic. In my mind, if I were to offer this title (because I really can't see it any other way) to this near stranger I would be doing an incredible disservice to the amazing women who consider my potential as a dominant/switch. Now I do know her, and I have met and spent some time with her. But I know nothing about her hobbies and I know nothing about who she is outside of some of the stories my partner has told me. There is a depth that I just don't know her well enough.
Now when I brought up my 3 friends she asked me which I wanted and I said all 3. The thing is I never once lied to her. I very much desire to have a dynamic with all 3 of these people I am speaking with. Just because I desire that and yes things are progressing well but there are a number of things that could go wrong and the likelihood that I can't actually have all 3 at the same time. Not only because of distance but because that wouldn't work. I've had this discussion and I know and understand this, but that doesn't stop my heart from wanting a deep and personal connection with each of them even at the same time. Not only that there are a number of things that can occur that might lead us into realizing we are just friends or not quite right for each other or perhaps even maybe that there is someone more deserving than I to be their true one. In all of these cases yes it would hurt, but I want their happiness more than I want to be with them. I want them all to find that perfect person that absolutely completes them and yes I want that person to be me. But I understand I'm not perfect for everyone and there is still much to decide and see what happens in the future.
So!!! Now that you can witness a portion of the depth of what I feel for each individual I consider a candidate I could not call this near stranger "Queen".
Needless to say she was taken aback. She was insulted and hurt a little bit. So she said and rightfully so "You come into my house, eat my food, drink my beer, and you won't call me Queen??? Then you dont deserve to eat" I understood and I had no issues with that, so I told her to take my food and drink which she did. Now this absolutely set her off because she couldn't understand why I wouldn't call her this. When she asked me I told her "I can tell you, but you have to consent to knowing" and she got a little bit huffy and said she didn't want to know. So I did not have consent to tell her this part of me, but she wasn't going to stop there. She asked me question after question. I responded as completely truthfully without giving anything away but dropping hints and words and subtle answers that if you knew of bdsm you would have begun to piece it together. Now my friend and co-worker had parts of this understanding, literally earlier in the night he made a comment about people ending up in dungeons and my response was "Some people like that". So he had an inkling, and as I began answering her questions and holding to my own beliefs and values I could see him and he began to understand a small piece of this. He was howling with laughter because he understood how seriously I take this. I was NOT fooling around, because it was dead serious to me.
She asked me "Who are you?" I responded "I'm a guide". Now you also have to realize throughout this entire conversation I was seated with my hands together, relaxed, calm, and finding it slightly humourous that she was getting so worked up. But she claimed that her domain was limitless and I asked her "Who is it that leaders have no power over?" My intent was to point her in the direction of "other leaders". When you consider a medieval theme (since they went there with it might as well keep on the analogy) I saw it as if she was Queen of her own country and I consider myself a King of my own domain. She is not apart of my domain and I see her apart of my partner's. The only time I would ever go into any form of interaction with her which she commented on I would require consent from my work partner and his understanding as well. But that wasn't what she was really after and she was starting to get worked up over all of this.
I saw her get to the point where she lost her patience and I stated "First you must master patience before all else".
She was confused and eventually it got to the point where she broke down and consented to knowing. And so for the first time in my life I admitted to a group of people in my physical space that I practice bdsm and consider myself a "lifestyler". She really didn't understand and so I tried to explain to her. This was a huge step for me to be able to admit to a good friend, a relatively new friend and a complete stranger that I practiced bdsm. I felt accomplished. I held myself with dignity and integrity. I didn't allow myself to get worked up even at moments of being frustrated and pissed off with just 2 things she commented on. Her comments were about the 3 candidates that I have chosen, the thing was she was being extremely presumptuous and making judgements against them WITHOUT KNOWING A SINGLE THING ABOUT THEM. Then she made a comment about my standards.... I did not retaliate with anything but calm truthful answers but inside it really fucking bothered me that she could make a judgement so flippantly over individuals that I have nothing but complete respect and admiration for. As I mentioned earlier I also know nothing about her hobbies, but the same is true. She knows nothing about me and especially the standard to which I expect and keep for those that I spend my time with. But other than those 2 comments I was truly enjoying myself. Even after I told her about the fact that I practiced bdsm she was of the mindset that it's all about sex, but she wasn't interested in actually having a conversation about it. Although, I might have turned that complete stranger that I met for the first time into it because he was asking questions and looking to find out a little more. But I tried my best to educate as much as I could although once she got into the fact that I practiced bdsm she wanted to know how "fucked up I was and what weird shit I was into". The look on my co-workers face said he did not consent to knowing this and luckily we wound up distracting her with other topics of conversation soon after because we had reached partial understanding of why I wouldn't call her Queen. The most hilarious part of all of this exchange was to me in my mind her request to be called Queen was simply a test for me. I told her as much and she was baffled "I'm the test??" She asked with such disbelief on her face.
We even encountered a situation that I am very proud of. Apparently she offered me some cake and wrote Queen on the bottom of it, and once I had eaten it she told me that I had accepted her since it was now apart of me. I responded "Are you serious about that?" She said "Yes" with a triumphant look on her face. So I immediately stood up and was fully intending to go into her bathroom and force myself to expel all the food that I had eaten that night, because when she had denied me the chowder she replaced it with broccoli and cherry tomatoes. (Which was excellent since I enjoy broccoli and tomatoes) but I was fully prepared to expel all of the contents in my stomach, just in order to deny her. As I stood up to go to the washroom she immediately caved and broke down "No, I didn't mean that!!!" I don't think she really took me seriously at all, but I can't blame her because she really doesn't understand the depth of what it means to live this as a lifestyle.
Throughout all of this, I very much was happy about my behaviour. I honoured myself, I honoured those that I consider dear to my heart and I was able to educate if only a little about what this life means. Not only that I was able to express out loud to actual people (Sorry internet people you are just robots to me) <<<< poor joke, you are all very much significant and very much "actual people" to me because I consider myself apart of this community. But to say to people in my personal life that I spend time with was a stepping stone that I had not crossed yet. And I am very proud of what I managed to achieve that night. I feel like I absolutely passed this test that I set in my mind. I absolutely felt as if I was a dominant. I absolutely felt like this was a brand new beginning for me.
We eventually left and that's when I spent the next couple of hours finishing my application for my foreman position. So just an extremely positive and abundant night for me.
Fast forward to being home, getting sleep and waking up around noon. I had to meet with my parents because yesterday was the day I received my inheritance.
I am struggling under a financial weight. I have been for years. I made very poor choices and I put myself in such a hard, stressful position because I did the best I could with what I had but ultimately made some very poor financial decisions that has put me here. My parents have recently come back into my life and now they are aware of where I'm at and know the depth of my situation financially. They have offered many means to be able to help me and part of that was offering me my inheritance early to pay off a cash money loan that was destroying my ability to survive and cutting my legs out from under me. They also wound up replacing my furnace because it was broken and a few other things to help secure my well being. But before I went to meet with them I was struggling. I was feeling ashamed at my poor decisions, and I was feeling grief over the fact that my parents original goal was to use this money to go on vacation and experience something new and somewhere new. I was on the verge of tears because I felt like I had ruined their opportunity. But a very good friend made the distinction between that of a d/s relationship and what my parents were doing. A submissive must come to their dominant and say I can't do this on my own and I need help. Which was what I had done with my parents. I needed help and I couldn't do it on my own. The other thing that really changed my perspective was that most people do not have a chance to show their parents what they do with the inheritance given them, but I have the opportunity to show to them that their gift is not wasted. That it is something I have used to further my growth and immensely improve my life. That my inheritance will not be wasted and that I will share with them the abundance that I have received and hope to multiply it and that they may see the difference made in my life.
This is very much a new beginning for me. The first steps to controlling my life. My self. My finances. My domain that I hope to hold ownership over. I am making effort each day and there is so much good in my life.
This is a new beginning and I am excited for the journey. Thank you for being apart of it, and I hope to be able to continue to share with all of you where I end up.
Till the next time, have a day.