Hello Cage friends,
So this is going to be a pretty personal expression as I want to take you on part of the journey that I went through on my weekend.
So I have been on this site for just over 6 months (I did the math from the first date I joined) and I was absolutely shocked that it had only been half a year. It felt like I had been on this journey for so much longer than that. It's been tremendous and I am so grateful to be here with the mentors, friends and all the people I have met. I think back to myself and how I acted, how I choose to be and where I am now.
When I found bdsm with my ex, I truly was an unknowing isntadom if there ever was one. I had no clue about intention. I really "knew" about consent but didn't understand it. I had no idea about what it took to be a true dominant and it was only until I met those who hold that title that I began the process of finding out how far from an actual dominant I was. I learned from submissives and from all those that I spent time with. I found such a deep sense of belonging and feeling home and just being myself. I knew I was a kinky person, but I didn't understand what that actually meant for myself. I mean when I first came here and found a group of people willing and able to accept me for who I was more than I did. I had so much self loathing and hatred for who I was at the core of myself. I have been able to sit with myself, my true self, my deepest desires and I have been fortunate enough to find people who not only accept me but need and want to fulfill my deepest desires. It is truly an amazing experience to tell someone something so deep and terrifying about yourself and have them look at you and go "That's it???" That feeling of being completely accepted and trusted and believed in.
I have been blessed and graced with so many amazing people who have shown me the way forward, with respect and without determining for myself what that meant TO ME. Because this is all a very personal journey, and while I have had the wisdom to ask those wiser than myself for their advice in different scenarios and situations I have also learned to accept their truth and learn but then apply that to myself and my beliefs.
I am still building my culture. I am still working on creating myself as I need to be, but the steps I have made within myself I am so proud of the work I have done in all aspects of my life.
To say this has been life changing is truly an understatement.
For all my postering and all this growth I have felt like constantly I still didn't have the experience that I actually needed to claim the title of dominant. Yes I've learned much, and grown in the theoretical aspects of d/s but I still lack that practical ability. I realize that I will gain it slowly but surely with each person that I am able to speak with, and as I see myself accomplish much for my friends that exist within my sphere of influence.
Here's the really important aspect that I have learned about myself.
I love and feel fulfilled and find value within myself when I can help my friends. When I can offer words of insight that help create clarity, or bring up a topic that allows them to change their perspective, or allow them to find new forms of how they see their submission, or even if it's as simple as putting a smile on their face because I'm awesome and made them laugh, or because I simply was there to listen when they felt they had no one else. It doesn't matter how I add value, so long as what I am doing is creating prosperity for their life however that may look or feel to them.
It's also this topic of discussion that I wanted to bring up. The fact that even friendships within the d/s lifestyle are more profound and can offer a deeper impact than that of vanilla relationships.
I mean we discuss some heavy topics whether that is past trauma, or the deepest desires of your heart, to all the simple challenges of life where you live, or the simple good things that happened to you. It doesn't have to have crazy depth to the interaction yet without fail in each friendship that I have cultivated within the lifestyle there has been some form of power exchange. Some form of traded value for value, and improvement in areas of life that were a struggle and now are just a little bit easier because I managed to help and offer a different perspective that helped shift the lens. That afforded some insight, or a complete overhaul of a thought process.
Big or small the impact felt still has so much more added value because I managed to make a difference in someone else's life.
I need that within me. To know and experience that moment where no matter how big or small I managed to make a profound difference. I've done it by being myself, and just doing what I feel is correct. In some cases I had no intention of what I brought forward to have any impact, and I was just sharing something I thought was cool or interesting. Yet the impact felt on the other side completely shifted the view point, and that feeling of accomplishment and success makes me feel proud and happy within me. Sometimes, I fully intended my approach to be of great benefit and it's funny how sometimes the most intentional act can warrant the least amount of change, but still some degree of shift occured. Although I will point out not everyone responds to my words and actions. Not everyone responds to who I am and the way I bring forward myself, but to those select few that see me and want to get to know me I make drastic change and the longer I have the opportunity to make positive change I plan to work my ass off to do and be the best version of myself that I may continue to help them grow.
Take for instance the trust my friend placed in me. I wrote a blog about how I lost control, and felt like there was nothing I could do. I had rage simmering within me, bubbling right under my surface and she looked at me and said "I still trust you, if I were right beside you I would still allow you to take control". That moment nearly broke my heart in all the best ways. I felt undone, and seen, and honoured, and trusted in a way that I have never been trusted before. That despite my lowest point of feeling beyond hope that she would still offer herself up to me and have faith that I would keep her well being in the forefront of my mind. I was completely flabbergasted, blown away, shocked, and in that moment I reached a bit of clarity. I am not evil, and all that is within me is neither good nor bad. I am learning how to shape it accordingly. I am learning and growing and still mastering myself. But despite my frailty and weakness there are those who still trust in me. Those who still see me and would choose to continue to serve me.
Yesterday, I had the first greatest opportunity of my life.
My friend gave me the greatest gift I have ever been given. Some weeks ago, she told me that she would entrust me with a chance to prove myself. To create a scene for her. So I put to myself what did I want for her? Where was there a need that I saw that could be addressed. At first I thought about what she had told me about her life, and after a particularly exposing conversation over grief and trauma of a past event I set in my mind what I hoped to help her with.
I was given the chance to create in my image a scene, constructed from my mind, with a pure opportunity. She expressed her opinion and some facts about scene creation, she informed me of a few things that I needed to think about and then she removed herself from the situation so that I could set to work about doing MY job. I even had an amazing opportunity and a great moment of learning when I reached out to one of my mentors and he responded with an ever so gentle "Do it yourself" (those were not his exact words, but he could not help. Firstly, he knew it wasnt his place, and secondly it needed to be my choices, my decisions because it was my scene) It was a tiny bit foolish to even ask in the first place but I am so grateful for the wisdom he exhibited by refusing me assistance. It gave me the chance to put my mind to work to go through and plan and organize exactly how ***I*** wanted to do things. Because I knew the situation. I had more information than anyone else, and any advice I was given would have been without the correct insight because they didn't know the full situation or what I was intending.
So I set about working through what I wanted. I crafted the image inside my mind of what it would look like, what I wanted, and expected to happen. Of course things didn't quite turn out that way, but my intention was for this to be a very heavy scene emotionally. So I took the time to arrange a few things to help before and after in order to make sure she was properly cared for.
The truth was it didn't take long to get inside my head what I wanted the scene to look like. I also had a vision of what I could do beforehand to help ease the situation and to help relax her.
On the day I woke up bright and early before my alarm even went off. I gave myself about 3 hours to prepare myself and what I needed to finish before meeting with her. I used my time wisely to look after my property, my house and myself. By the time I finished my prep I had inside of 10 minutes before the arranged time we were supposed to meet. I managed to make the meeting just 3 minutes before we were supposed to start.
So to begin, I didn't think about the actual scene and I started making dinner beside her. We both made a version of "fried" rice although my dish didn't have any egg in it whatsoever and can't really be defined as such. But the thing was I really enjoy cooking and cooking with her is always so much more fun. She always has tips for me about the process and information about things I have never done before. I just love cooking with her, and imagining what it might actually be like to cook beside her, to cook FOR her. But when we finished making our food we sat down to eat our meal together while watching a show that I wanted to share with her. The thing was there were a few reasons that I wanted to eat with her before the real scene began, and part was to help relax her but also because I hadn't eaten yet that day and for one other really big reason. When I was a child my family ate dinner together every night. We would sit and talk about our days, and just share good food and good conversation. I have enjoyable memories of being able to do that with my family. I wanted to share a special moment of being able to eat together as if we were family, and not only that I love food. Like LOVE food. To be able to share a meal with someone important to me is a very meaningful thing to me. Quite simply, it just matters. So to be able to sit, relax, watch a show together and eat was simply extremely satisfying and gave me warm fuzzies all over.
When we finished our food and our show, I wanted to distract her a little longer (and extend the time I got to spend with her) so I sang a song for her and with her because singing is something that has become a new passion for me in my life and she helped me find that joy. So to be able to share with her that time is also very precious to me.
After all of this warm up we finally got down to business.
There was much that I wished to express to her, and I had my chance to talk to her. To have her listen while holding a position that I hoped would make her more receptive to all the important things I needed to tell her from my heart. The way I had seen her act, the way she choose to live her life and to do my best to help her see her the way I do. After I finished I gave her the chance to sit with all that I had told her. She had free reign to feel, sit and experience and to talk if she needed to. I was simply there, keeping a watchful eye over her.
After sitting, having an emotional few moments, needing some time to blow noses and working through the heavy emotions we managed some very good conversation and moved ourselves away from where we had been sitting on the floor.
We moved over to the couch and to finish our time together we wound up watching a movie that she very much connected with and felt aligned with the main character. It offered another chance of insight into her mind and I got some of the best advice possible for handling aftercare and sub drop. The special medicine required? A 1 ounce cube of dark chocolate. Not only is it healthy and helpful it actually has anti depressant properties and can be extremely helpful in managing the drop that both sub and Dom can feel.
The entire experience was extremely enjoyable, and I had nothing but a positive experience from the entire thing and I was proud of myself for managing my very first scene that I had ever done for the first time ever. Although the thing that surprised me was how exhausted my body was and how tired I felt afterwards despite not really doing much.
It was a positive experience for her, and I would say as a first attempt a rousing success and part of my path forward. I still have lots that I could improve. Still lots to be able to refine and work on, but there is also only so much that is possible when you are interacting across the cosmos. I am proud of myself, I am proud that I was able to prove to myself my ability and take a definitive step towards my goals.
There are still many steps to take to get myself where I need to be, but I am well on my way and happier each day that I am fulfilling my purpose.