Hello Cage friends,
So today I wanted to take a minute and have a laugh. Although I already have it's truly wonderful to be able to just laugh or have a light chuckle about something. Today I have been in a very light mood, chuckling at myself for ideas of blogs, speaking with coworkers about the difference an attitude can make, reading fellow cagers insightful posts, as well as the funny memes that some of you have shared today.
It's very important to smile, and laugh. To have that in our life and especially as the world collapses around us. We need to reaffirm the positivity within us. Allow it to exude to those around us and change the energy of our surroundings because WE are the difference.
I spoke with a coworker about the satisfaction I have felt, about how the self loathing I had for myself about the things I liked is no longer there. Now I am able to accept myself and understand that I am perfectly normal, within all the constraints of what normal actually is. Normal for me, normal for what I am, normal for who I am.
It was asked of me by a friend many weeks ago now, what are the best qualities within myself that I see. What is it about myself that I treasure and feel are my true strengths.
I have a few and while I will express them at some point today is not quite that day yet. But they are there, and my understanding of myself is growing. Partly because I am refocused on myself, but partly because I am not looking at myself with such a self depreciating view. I am simply learning to see who I am a little more unfiltered. Because the lens I choose to place in front of myself warped all of the positive things into negative ones. And the negative ones became monsters that I couldn't escape from. But I did that all to myself because of how I choose to view myself through that self loathing.
But I have been doing some deep navel gazing as it has been called, that self evaluation of my desire. I read a post this morning that completely opened my eyes to how short sighted I was being in exploring my deepest desire. When we think about what we desire it usually has a tinge of kink, sexual, and erotic undertones that you imagine what are my sexual desires. Yes you need to think on these things and understand yourself within them. But there is much more to desire than purely our carnal needs. One of my deep desires I have found to realize is the importance of food. Not just for sustenance. Not just for nourishment. But the closeness food can bring and represents for me. I need a woman who loves to cook, who wants to cook for me, with me and who will endure what I make for her. Part of this need arises from the dinners my family spent together, each speaking about our day and what went on. What we think on certain topics and it was a time to connect and be close with family because we all had to eat, so why not eat together and make it something special. I've understood that I don't just want someone to make me my food every night, although depending how often I am working it may be required somedays. I used to work 16 hours and coming home to have to make a meal was exhausting. Not only was the quality poor, it felt like a chore. But I love to cook, I love to create and I have a very unique sense of taste. Honestly many of my tastes including my sexual preferences can be a little out there, but I am finding those people who align with what I thought was near impossible for someone else to want and need as much as I do.
But to cook. To have those in my life who want to make food for me because it's a passion of theirs, who will allow me the opportunity to stand beside and learn from them, and to allow me to reach for the pickle jar when I want to add something just a little bit extra to the sauce. I would even love the chance to compete against those within my household to see who can bake a better tart, or make a better dinner.
My mom when I was a little boy, when she was making a dessert would give each one of my siblings a small piece of pastry. And we each had the chance to make our own little whatever we wanted. It was something special that we would do and at the end of it to look and say "I made this dessert" was a very fulfilling thing in my life. I would love to be surrounded by those who enjoy good food as much as I do, who would be willing to compete against in a light hearted and fun way, who want to bring and connect all of us together through cooking and eating. I mean even the potential of losing could be the punishment of having to clean up the dishes or perhaps another type of punishment might be administered. Although chances are I would be the one required to fulfill those punishments more often than not. ^^^^ Reference above the pickle jar
So not only does that deep soul searching help us find those trivial but essential needs of our lives there is also another question that had been rolling around often within my brain.
The thought was this, "How do I know whether I am a dominant or a Master?" What's the difference and where, when, how do you know where you stand? Am I a dominant or a Master? I would like to share with you not my words but those of a much wiser and more experienced individual than I. I have been blessed with amazing and talented friends and acquaintances who have much more experience and knowledge than I do. This man I have had the pleasure of beginning to know very slightly and while these words of Master Arach are a rendition of a man he sought out Guy Baldwin I found them instrumental in understanding my own desire and need.
"The best advice I can give here comes from a Wiser man than I. He said that a Dom, when he wants to play, starts up his Dominant engine and plays with his skill and with his knowledge for his and his partner's enjoyment. A Master's engine is running all the time. Sometimes in neutral, but always running. When a Master plays, he plays with his skill, knowledge and his RESPONSIBILITY for his and his partner's enjoyment AND FOR THEIR INDIVIDUAL GROWTH AND THE GROWTH OF THE RELATIONSHIP."
When I heard these words there was a switch that was flipped. Seeing these words and connecting them to my own beliefs and feelings deep inside me finally felt like I achieved a very Eureka moment. In so many ways I felt like I was stuck in neutral. Like I was in this limbo of just not understanding. With that moment clarity was achieved and I realized the important of the last line. The responsibility for his and his partners enjoyment and for the growth of the individual and the growth of the relationship.
I have found in my own life, and from listening to stories of those around me that being stagnant can cause dynamics to collapse. Not seeing a future or having a vision of "we are working towards this collectively" can cause huge issues. Take for example my marriage with my ex. Now of course let me say this first, there were many reasons our relationship ended. But I absolutely believe that a large part of that dissolution came from not having any idea of where to go to. I had reached an apex of my want and saw no vision for a future of where to go and where we were was also not one of agreement between us. I mean when I was playing at being dominant I did not understand any of what was required, what was necessary on my part, and I did nothing more than instadom with her. It was poorly thought out, poorly executed and caused nothing but more issues.
I do not just want to create enjoyment, I want to create constant growth. I know I am not a Master yet, but I feel much more aligned with a Master's beliefs and intentions. I believe that is the more appropriate path that aligns with my personal beliefs but I have a long long way to go before anyone can call me a Master. I also feel like it would be something that I can never call myself, as I do not have the right or knowledge or ability (yet) to call myself that. The only time I may begin to consider giving myself that title is when I have been able to prove to myself that I am capable in all ways that a Master should be.
Honestly I could see myself refusing the title a few times over out of fear of being seen as incompetent and unable to truly match the dedication of that of a Master. But it is my goal to one day not only earn that title with those who serve me, but to see it within myself as true.
There is a difference between being told you are someone who is attentive, and feeling and knowing yourself to be attentive. Many times I have heard words that my friends have told me and immediately disregarded them as false and untrue because I couldn't see what they saw. I didn't allow myself to see it there within me, because I was a piece of shit no good low life who was a useless human etc etc. It used to go on and on from there, spirally deep down into a vortex of negativity that could take me days to pull myself out of.
I am fortunate to no longer hold that type of lens to myself. I am fortunate to have put in the effort to appreciate who I am and learn to love myself for all that I am. I still have room to grow in this area, but it's nothing like I used to be.
I also requested some insight into the process of knowing what is correct for this person and how do I know if I'm doing the right thing by them?
Master Arach's response was such "...how do I know if this might be the right decision for this person?" An excellent question and one that should consistently be asked. You listen. You talk with them. You test your propositions. You learn from them. You give them a taste and ask. You allow them room to question." He reiterated later on in the message the process of Talk, listen, test, and learn.
The thing is each person is completely different. We all have different love languages and how we experience and receive and feel love. It's important to first know those you hope to guide, understanding them and being able to listen to what they tell you. Observe and watch if their actions line up, take the time to begin to fully know them. Once you seem to understand this mythical person with all their complexities, you then offer a test. Big or small, in small ways that you can witness their responses. Was it received well? Did they find value in that slight interaction. Did it grow them? Did it grow you? Did it grow each other together? Yes or no is irrelevant, the important part is to take the lesson and learn. To take that information gained and apply it to the next approach. To continuously improve.
We are all human and we all make mistakes. But it's how we correct our course, it's how we act in failure that shows our true strength of character. It's how we move forward and guide those who have placed their trust in us along beside us.
I thank you for taking the time to read my ( and not my) words today. Hopefully you found some value or insight that allows for growth in your own journey. Have a wonderful day.
