Hello Cage friends,
Do you want to know what's really valuable? First off having amazing people in your life. The right person saying the right thing at the right time can make the world of difference.
I know for a fact the difference a simple conversation can have on someone's life. I've been very fortunate to have some vital conversations at vital times to make a difference.
Lately, I have been lazily perusing the blogs and I just happened to read something that solidified an idea within my mind. It was born out of a conversation with my mentor, and also from a conversation with a friend and just happening to have recently watched a movie that tied everything together with understanding for me.
I have received some amazing insights and been absolutely tremendously blessed by good people who have helped me see myself but also the approach to finding who I am as a young d type. They have offered advice and words of wisdom and applied grace and been a pillar of support that has made a world of difference in my journey.
But it's all the little pieces too. I recently was given some advice on a situation that has caused me nothing but frustration and an utter sense of failure. I was growing a cannabis plant and I ignored it to the point where it withered and died. Today I realized that there are somethings that right now I am not capable of handling. I need to let go, and allow the responsibility for that plant to disappear. Right now with the tremendous change in my life I am still adjusting to the change. I can't be more than I am currently and through my meditation I am learning to see myself. I can't be more than who I am. Right now, I do not have control over my physical space and the best thing I can do is realize the chaos. I need to observe and see what that means for me. I need to see myself and my current ability and recognize when something is not necessary and I need to relinquish that control and responsibility. Right now I need to shrink my sphere and gain mastery over the remaining pieces. Once I obtain mastery at that level then I can begin to reconsider expanding my ability to begin to take care of the extra things.
Well, not that those things are "extra". They are things in my life that I wish for, and would like to be responsible for. It all comes down to "Can I handle this?" The thing is I am capable of being able to manage my life, I can take care of myself and my physical space but I need the right mentality. I need the right approach.
Recently I have realized the value of stepping back and allowing that which is not going exactly as I have planned, to be relinquished from my dominion. By accepting my current self I am able to see exactly who I am clearly and concisely. So I am still growing within my responsibility of the changes of my life. Right now I have stretched myself thin trying to handle more than I am currently capable of. I see that. Not only because it has been pointed out for me, but in taking some affirmative action to reduce my sphere there is a tremendous weight that has lifted from my shoulders. You could term it "giving up" but that has a very negative connotation to the wording. I simply prefer thinking about it as allowing myself to focus on what is most important to me. The thing is I can easily come back to this endeavour. I can easily attempt and try again, but it would be stretching myself too thin at this moment in time. I barely have a grasp on the necessities of my life, and have been struggling handling those. I need to be able to consistently be responsible for what is in my life, and if I am not able to do that I need to make a change so that I can.
One thing that doesn't serve me is my television. I can ruin my entire day simply by turning it on first thing when I wake up. It's a distraction, and yes it can be enjoyable to relax to a show. I allow that show to become 14 hours of binge watching tv until nothing is accomplished and I waste my entire day. I need to remove my TV from my options in the morning so I can focus on the work that needs to be done in my life. It does not serve my purpose when I need to clean, and take care of my animals, and take care of myself.
Right now in my life I need to prove that I am responsible enough to handle taking care of my property. I mean yes one day I hope to have an s type that might enjoy cleaning for me, but I DO NOT want to relinquish control over that aspect of my life until I have mastered it. Until I can manage to keep my house in respectable order on my own. Then it also sets a standard to which my s type would be held as well.
It was actually kind of funny as I grow and see change in my life that I am beginning to recognize a few more aspects of who I am.
Yesterday I found myself in a situation where I could recognize something that needed to be taken care of. So where my dogs food is stored is close by the front door. Unfortunately there is a gap underneath the door and the frame that allows quite a bit of air to flow. When it's cold overnight the tiling gets very very chilly and if you feed the animals barefoot (which I happened to do yesterday) magically your feet get very cold!! I got to a point where I thought "This is something I would ask of my s type to fix for me" now instead of wallowing in self pity I simply went and put on my indoor slippers to warm my feet myself. Of course it's not the same, but I need to handle my well being right now because I do not have an s type who can do that for me. Later on in my day as I was speaking with my friend, she expressed her opinion on the matter. She made the point that "Why not have your s type feed the dogs anyways?" The thing is this simple issue really has 3 fixes. The best and probable answer that I should respond with is resolving the draft, protecting my house, and putting a weather seal in place to reduce the cold air entering my house. The next option I see is this, feeding the dogs myself and getting my s type to serve her purpose by warming my feet after the dogs have been fed, or I can get her to feed the dogs and then I would get to warm her feet. Or I could allow her to have cold feet for the next few hours.
See the thing is each situation may have a number of responses and how to address it. It is the dominants responsibility to acknowledge the situation and how he wants to accomplish his goals. Personally given the above situation I would prefer to feed my dogs, (thereby protecting my s type from the cold and giving her purpose after the interaction) and then allow my s type the honour of warming my feet. Of course, I could have put on slippers before going down to the cold tile, or put on socks. I could have, I could have. But what are your reasons? Why are you choosing to do it that way? What purpose are you trying to serve, or to have your s type serve? What is the intention behind the action, and what does that mean for yourself and those within the household?
A smart dominant can turn any situation into an opportunity to grow the dynamic. Or they can just as easily miss the opportunity, or perhaps even destroy the dynamic based on their action and way of handling the situation.
I am beginning to see opportunity in new and different areas. I am beginning to think in terms of a dominant. The critical part to remember is that the process begins with observation. Looking, hearing (listening and not just hearing), closely monitoring and recognizing the mood and current situation for what it is. Can this situation be used to build up the dynamic? Can I *do* something to further the relationship and build trust and help my s type to see why it was that I choose them? Can I impart a deeper dynamic if I take this opportunity (with the proper intention) to further the cause of what we are trying to build together? I believe that if you open your mind you will begin to see opportunity where none existed before, and you will begin to understand that it doesn't require the big things to improve the dynamic it's the little things. The small chances to prove that you have a sense of understanding and are making the effort to take every opportunity to further the growth of the dynamic. That even the small things matter, and the state of mind of your s type can be further developed by taking those small opportunities. You will show them you have a gameplan, that it's not just about kinky fuckery. That there is a deeper meaning behind what you are trying to accomplish and what you have in store for them. It's in all the tiny little ways that you prove your dedication to them, to the dynamic and what you are building together.
Right now while I can speak on dedication to the dynamic I currently do not have a dynamic to be dedicated to. So where should my focus be? Well I need to apply this same dedication to myself, my household, my animals. I need to take responsibility and ownership of what's right in front of me and master handling those aspects of my life. If I want to be damn good at what I do then all of the little things matter. It starts right now. It begins within me, and I need to forge the intention for my life. I need to step up and take seriously the things I'm trying to accomplish. Because all the small moments matter, and building consistency in my life in how I handle the small moments will help me be better prepared when facing the big challenges.
I also had a very interesting realization. In the conversation with my mentor he mentioned about my lack of training in the wielding of implements of pain as pleasure. As I thought on it more I realized that there is a part of me that I can recognize that wants to become adept at using pain. I want to be able to take what I can and learn all the aspects of what it can mean to cause pleasure and yet I really haven't explored the painful side of bdsm. I remember a conversation months and months back that showed a deeper darker side of who I was. I allowed him out for a brief time and I quickly shut the door to that aspect of me.
The thing is I thought well I see him, and I know he's there but I am just going to hide him away and not let him have the time of day.
It was pointed out to me recently that isn't mastery. That's not control. That's another form of neglect. Until I can allow that door to be fully open, see that darker side of me, clearly hear the needs and wants of him, recognize how those things align with my intention and then make the decision to feed that side of me or allow myself to say that does not serve me and my purpose. That is where mastery of myself is achieved. Not by hiding away.
So I have identified another aspect of myself that needs to be closely examined. I need to determine why do I want to use pain, in what ways do I want to use pain, what does that serve if I choose to use pain, what is the purpose of using pain and what ends and means will I begin to use pain. Is it absolutely necessary to who I am? In part of my conversation with my friend I mentioned to her "Well I want to use pain to embody pleasure" and she had to tell me to pause. She asked me a very good damn question. "Is that what you need, or what you think society says is acceptable?" We got into the topic of seeing the world and being viewed by the world. Sometimes people choose something because it's what society says is normal. The thing is we are exploring this lifestyle to understand ourselves. We want to get to the point of seeing *US* clearly. Without a discoloured lens. What do I need? Fuck what society or that person over there thinks, screw off to the people who don't know a damn thing about me but make judgements anyways. I need to look at myself. Without any expectations, without any biases. Without any form of "I should be". NOOO!!! I NEED to see myself. Exactly as I am. All that I truly desire and accept that just maybe I might be the person who needs to release those pent up feelings in an aggressive and painful way. Maybe that is very well a massive part of who I am and yet I have denied it all my life. Maybe it's there and maybe it's not, but the goal is to find out. More than anything I need to know myself. I need to be able to clearly and succinctly express who I am to those that are interested in me. I need to be able to say this is all of me, in all my glory. Not some idea that's half baked because society tells me to be this, or my father told me to be that. Or that random stranger over there who has an opinion on the matter when he wasn't damn well asked in the first place.
It doesn't even matter what my mentor says about who I am, because even then it's not about being told who you are. It's about finding it yourself. Acknowledging all that is within you, learning to accept and then choosing "Do I feed this side of me?" My mentor is showing me a way of finding myself. He is allowing me to make my own choices, free of his desire or interests. Because he understands that his interests are not mine. Certainly some aspects may align, and yes he is more than willing to help give me understanding within those areas but he isn't defining me. He is allowing me to define myself. To say "I need this, and I see why it's important to me".
But it's work that no one else can do for me. I must do this hard work myself, and put in the effort to see who I am and then choose what aligns with my beliefs and values and make those a pivotal point within my process. I need to also understand so I can speak with the person I cherish and tell them honestly all these things so they can make a decision for themselves. There is no greater sorrow than to see an established permanent collared dynamic dissolve because there are fundamental needs not being met. How do you get to a point within a permanent collaring and then recognize that you aren't being satisfied in a needed way. That is extremely heartbreaking from all sides. It's better to have that conversation with a friend and understand "You are amazing, but we do not align and just aren't quite right for one another". How do you express that though if you don't even know who you are???
I would express the need to take things slowly. To not move into a dynamic quickly and begin to understand each other, and all sides of one another. How long does it take to properly explain 29 years of life? Or 40? Or 60? And do you even know yourself well enough to explain to someone else what you are about? What you need and want?
I got frustrated, because I felt like I keep getting reset to the starting point. That's a damn good thing, and I need to change my perspective on the matter. I should be elated I found a new starting block because it's another avenue I need to explore and understand. It's more work, sure. But it's necessary if I want a dynamic that is authentic and truthful and completely fulfilling. If I jump into the first s type that says "I think you're neat" chances are good at some point it will fall apart. I am not looking to have my dynamic fail for any reason. I was looking for the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I thought I had found her in my ex. But that was a half baked, she's "good enough I guess". I'm no longer looking for good enough I guess, I want that dynamic that fits me exactly with what I need. The thing is I am still searching for what I need, and I won't find the dynamic I'm looking for until I can answer all the questions of myself.
Soooooo, it's time to do work. It's time to shrink my sphere and get serious about mastering what I am currently responsible for. It's time to get rid of the useless unnecessary "these things do not serve me currently" and focus on what's most important.
I have less than 24 hours until I need to be at work, and I have a fair amount to attend to. It's time to get up off of my ass, and do some hard work today. For myself. For my animals. For my property.
I hope you all have a fantastic remainder of your weekend, and I hope you found value in what I have written today.
