Hello Cage friends,
How goes the going?
Oh has it ever been a few days and it seems in these days and times with all that is going on a span of 24 hours can result in what seems like a months worth of experiences.
It's been a hectic and prosperous time in my life. This year, 2020 has been one of some of the biggest challenges in my life alongside some of the most positive growth and rebirth of me in my existence. Take for instance how this year began for me personally. With the absolute implosion of my marriage and the shift of a 10 year long relationship. I am extremely fortunate that we manage to remain amenable and friends as best you can with someone who you've come to the realization that we no longer align with our values and future.
Despite all of that turmoil I was launched into a bit of insanity and negativity. I spiraled hard like a ducky stuck in the current when you drain a bathtub. I spun until I felt nauseous. I was twisted, tilted, and absolutely upside down.
That slap to the face of reality forced me to look at myself and move forward into some of the most growth I've experienced as a human. I immediately realized at the end of my marriage about becoming self aware and at the beginning of that clarity of my self I understood a new plane of work to begin on within myself. Thus began my journey to this website and the interactions that I've been fortunate to foster with outstanding people who are wiser, more experienced and genuinely amazing people who have offered insights and guidance.
There has been so much work gone into who I am, and I am still just beginning.
I have looked at who I am and seen the glaring issues that cause me immediate regret over my actions and how I should "be better already." Some of my largest struggles that I have been trying to manage and shift within myself have been my anger, and my motivation.
I've constantly felt like I do much less than I am capable of. Unfortunately I still don't apply enough grace to myself and I have always been very critical of my abilities and leave myself no room for error. I should exist perfectly and be productive and active and and and and.... There is an extensive list of what more I need and should do. Even when I manage to accomplish a small part of being better I look at how far from the end goal I still remain.
As part of my journey I have found a class where I've been learning to meditate this year, and part of the meditation has required me to select a topic to consider. I chose "Ownership". What does it mean? Why do I search for ownership of another person? What is included inside that single word? I've focused on the many different aspects of ownership, to own my thoughts, my actions, my property, my person, my self, my animals. What is ownership over my property and how does that look? Does ownership over myself look differently than ownership over my s type? In what ways does it differ, in what ways is it the same? So many questions keep popping up, filling my mind with new avenues to consider and explore. During the exploration of this idea, this concept I have started to grasp bits and pieces of where I want to go with this idea. Of why I'm starting my search in this specific topic.
So here's where I'm at, feel free to argue my thoughts, contribute or disagree. I've found that different perspectives can lead into new growth, and new understanding so long as you keep an open mind to the conversations and ideas given to you by those who have different experiences and opinions.
Ownership is all encompassing. Ownership is the end goal, comprised of the critical components that create responsibility. It is formed from structure, and discipline. I've recognized that I do not have any significant structure or discipline in my life. So how could I ever expect to create discipline and structure for my dogs, or my submissive(s) if I haven't been able to do it for myself?? I mean a good dominant ensures that he adheres to his own rules, so wouldn't the rule of creating structure count as something that should be accomplished for yourself? I argue that it's required and becomes a pivotal point not only for stability within a dynamic, but it is necessary to establish ownership and responsibility. Structure and discipline, and being able to maintain those things for the rest of my life. To create longevity, to create consistency, to create sustainability.
When you think about how your house gets dirty, if you vacuum once a month will your house ever really be clean? If you don't manage to craft a structure in which you can consistently do that chore or task then your house falls into disrepair. You aren't taking responsibility of the ownership of maintaining the cleanliness of your property. When you consider ownership, you can take ownership over your thoughts, actions, abilities, and really break down any moment into a form of ownership. Depending on the topic ownership will look different, it becomes very situational based on the reference in which you view it.
For me right now I'm working at forging discipline and structure into my life, and beginning with taking ownership over my own actions. I'm trying to take proper care of my property, and I'm working at being better with my animals. It's a lot of work, especially when I happen to be gone more than half the day when I work my day shifts. Although I've found success so far, I can't let myself give up on being consistent with my actions.
I recently had an opportunity to take another look at a common phrase I use in my life. I was spending time with an important friend of mine and she pointed out that I had made the same comment 5 times within the last 24 hours. I looked at the situation and I realized I tend to get frustrated with tedious tasks, and I reach a point of exasperation and then say "This is too much work fuck it, I'm done". That is a very alarming, all the red flags should be waving type of mentality. She was absolutely warranted in pointing out this type of behaviour because what if the conversation shifts into "You are too much work, I'm done". She is right to be wary and have her concerns. I need to search deeply into myself to understand why it is that I reach these spaces and what can I do to work at preventing feeling this way regarding her. Well I believe part of the issue is that I'm looking for immediate gratification. I've lost in many senses my ability to delay my need to be gratified. I used to do it very well when I was a child, waiting for things that I wanted and that were important to me. The thing is it's all very situational and I can delay my need for certain things for quite some time. In regards to the relationship that I'm forging I know I need to learn and work at being patient. There are many reasons that our path forward will only be dismantled by trying to rush. It was kind of funny I remember reading a blog (probably a week or two ago now) about dominants and how it seems that they are only on the hunt because of the chase. That once they find someone who kind of gets along it gets to the point of this isn't fun anymore so say goodbye and look after the next trophy to be claimed. When I was reading about that I had a fair few thoughts that crossed my mind. Yes, I will freely admit meeting new people is exciting, having new interactions, learning new pieces of what makes a person, and having interesting conversations can be very fulfilling. But that's just the beginning. I mean once you find someone compatible, once you find someone you see a future with, THATS when the real fun begins. That's when you get to switch gears and start looking into all the ways you want to play, when you crack into the depth of the interaction and build something worthwhile. When you find someone who is worth your time, energy and all you have to offer thats when things get really exciting. Although I need to state this. For ME, one thing I absolutely require is to be acknowledged and accepted. I need to be chosen. Part of why I need that is because I see it as a consent issue. I can't begin to impose my will into someone's life unless they accept me, accept what I offer. I see it as I'm building a house. Everything inside my house is under my authority and is considered apart of my domain. If I begin a conversation it's like saying "Hi" and waving at the person on the street. The thing is as someone who is still on the street they can walk around and look at each house and see where they fit. If they like the decor, if the structure is solid, do they enjoy the aspects of that home? As they wander from house to house peeking in windows to see what it's about and learning about what goes on inside that household they may get curious and wander up to my front doorstep. The thing is I can call and beckon them to check things out, but I can't make them open the door and step in. That has to be their choice. Only once they step inside and decide to remain do I gain authority and dominion over them. Only once they choose me, can I exhibit my will in their life. Because to me when they are walking on the street looking at each house, they are completely free. Free to make any choice they want, free to be themselves in all ways. Free to share and define their life and make whatever choices they want. I only hold authority over those who have seen the blueprints, seen the decor, seen the gruesome and necessary repairs that are required to improve the structure of my house and still walk through the door and give themself to me. Otherwise I am breaching their consent. Otherwise I am stripping away and ripping them down. But that's just the way I view things.
For all of these aspects of where I'm at. I need to define how I'm going to create discipline in my life. How I plan to create structure that I can remain consistent such that I have longevity within those actions. Such that I retain ownership over myself and those who exist within my household. I'm forging these areas, I'm acknowledging that I need to work on it. I see the red flags, the ugly and messy parts of myself. I have them pointed out by good friends who want to see me shift and take proper care of all under my authority. I am blessed by those who are open, honest, transparent, and willing to point at the ugliness that I see within myself and ask me "What are you going to do about this?"
I have made lasting changes in certain areas. I've made drastic steps forward in so many regards, but there is always more work to do. I am thankful, and grateful for those who are willing to not only point out my flaws but who are willing to stick around while I try to manage them. I appreciate the support that has been given to me, that acknowledgement that I am worthy, that I am capable, that I am desired and chosen. I will be better and will improve not only for myself but those who choose to remain by my side despite my faults.
I hope you all have a wonderful season of joy, enlightenment, and growth. Thank you for your time in reading my words today. I hope this Christmas season you find reasons to be grateful and happy, that you may reconnect with family and those that matter to you. Have a wonderful morning.