Just me.

This past year has taught me a lot. There has been a lot of personal development and growth that has happened. You see I lost myself, arguably I never found myself. I joined the Army at 18, and got married at 20 within those two years there wasn't any time to try and find myself. I was alone in a new state, which was on the other side of the world from all that I had ever known. Hawaii brought me many great things, a son and a husband both of who I loved with everything I had. I desperately wanted a family that was going to love me the way I *thought* it was supposed to be. I did not leave that man or toxic ass marriage but at the height of the pandemic. 2021 was the year that I was trying to survive with 2 children who were depending on me solely. 2022 has been a year of healing and learning to thrive. This past year I've learned to love myself, the way you are supposed to. I used to hate certain aspects of myself, but I've now grown to learn that we all have a little person inside of us. Most of the behaviors that we have in our adult lives started in our childhood, either because of our environments or those toxic defense mechanisms because those environments. Those of you who had a perfect childhood, I'm envious. That inner child, I've learned that in order for me to grow and become the highest version of myself I have to go and sit in those shitty memories and feel the hard emotions. And when that's done, I've had to re-parent myself to unlearn those toxic patterns. I'm nowhere near finished, as I believe there is no finish line when we are healing, but I'm a hell of a lot closer to becoming who I'm supposed to be than I was a year ago. If you've ever needed a sign, here it is baby! Go deal with that toxic shit we all have, because at the end of the day "what's meant for you will always be for you, the journey might be longer than originally intended but it'll be yours regardless"

On 8/26/2022 I moved my children and me into our first "big girl" apartment, all on my own. I'm still learning and dealing with my own shit. Instead of hating parts of me, I'm learning to love all of me. And damn do I love me. 

Happy Veterans Day to all of those who I have had the pleasure to serve with and those I have not. 

As a reminder to my friends that served to take care of your mental health and get the care that you need. It does NOT make you weak or less than who you are to seek help. Many of us have seen things we wish we could erase from our brains and hearts but they’ve already been imprinted on. Please seek the help that you need, 22 vets a day is ridiculous. You matter to me and all of your brothers and sisters who have served with you as well as your family and friends. YOU MATTER! 

I’m not sure why these songs have been resinating with me lately, but it just speaks something to my soul. 

Does anyone else just feel like they need to get out of their own heads for a while. Like you just want to escape. Just to forget the stress, worries, all the important bull crap in our day to day lives. Just to not have to think. All through my now failed marriage I was the always the one who worried, made sure everything was done. Kids, dogs, house, bills, all while going to school full time. That’s what’s expected when you grow up, get married and have kids. It was fine, except I never had an escape, a way to release anything. A fault of my own, none the less. Sex, even vanilla, was rare. I’m talking twice a year. I’m not a drinker or done drugs. Sure I’ve done them in my past but you grow up, at least most do. My only vice is cigarettes. I know it’s a bad one, but I’ve cut back with the intent to quit. So with this new journey I’m on of finding myself, forgiveness, and becoming a better version of myself. I vow to find a hobby, a healthy hobby. Maybe running, I’ve always found it cathartic. I have to focus on my breathing at first so that I don’t get a cramp and then once I get into a rhythm my mind goes blank. My fastest 2 miles was 15:25. Maybe I’ll try to beat that, though it’ll take a while as I haven’t ran consistently since I left AD in 2017. I also used to free write as a teen. I’d start out writing about literally nothing, random words. By the end of a couple pages it all made sense and my brain fog was clear. I’m rambling, maybe that’s what I’m doing here. Anyway if this makes sense to you then thanks for reading 😂😂

HW 💜 

I woke up, made myself some coffee went outside to let my dog use the bathroom. While waiting for her to handle some business I went to my FetLife page. Now I know what everyone says about the page, but I joined it so that I could find munches in my area and be able to connect with people within my community. 11 messages. 5 here on TheCage. All from Horny Net Geeks. Male and female “doms” alike. I hate this whole fresh meat/new meat phase of life that you seem to go through whenever you start a new job, move, joined new SM pages. I experienced it once I got to Hawaii as my FDS in the Army. I dealt with it every time my family moved to a new station. I even dealt with it starting my new job..at a daycare. Eyeroll. Are we so fragile as beings and a society that we are intimidated by new people that come into our spaces. Or is it that we wish to intimidate others because deep down we know that we are lacking in some areas. Anyway I digress. Have a good day, make it count and don’t let life bring you down.