This past year has taught me a lot. There has been a lot of personal development and growth that has happened. You see I lost myself, arguably I never found myself. I joined the Army at 18, and got married at 20 within those two years there wasn't any time to try and find myself. I was alone in a new state, which was on the other side of the world from all that I had ever known. Hawaii brought me many great things, a son and a husband both of who I loved with everything I had. I desperately wanted a family that was going to love me the way I *thought* it was supposed to be. I did not leave that man or toxic ass marriage but at the height of the pandemic. 2021 was the year that I was trying to survive with 2 children who were depending on me solely. 2022 has been a year of healing and learning to thrive. This past year I've learned to love myself, the way you are supposed to. I used to hate certain aspects of myself, but I've now grown to learn that we all have a little person inside of us. Most of the behaviors that we have in our adult lives started in our childhood, either because of our environments or those toxic defense mechanisms because those environments. Those of you who had a perfect childhood, I'm envious. That inner child, I've learned that in order for me to grow and become the highest version of myself I have to go and sit in those shitty memories and feel the hard emotions. And when that's done, I've had to re-parent myself to unlearn those toxic patterns. I'm nowhere near finished, as I believe there is no finish line when we are healing, but I'm a hell of a lot closer to becoming who I'm supposed to be than I was a year ago. If you've ever needed a sign, here it is baby! Go deal with that toxic shit we all have, because at the end of the day "what's meant for you will always be for you, the journey might be longer than originally intended but it'll be yours regardless"
On 8/26/2022 I moved my children and me into our first "big girl" apartment, all on my own. I'm still learning and dealing with my own shit. Instead of hating parts of me, I'm learning to love all of me. And damn do I love me.
