Its been a while since my last entry and there is a reason for that. I went through some big changes and needed some time to evaluate my role as a submissive and figure things out. I always seen myself as a submissive and discovering my submissive side was such a life changing experience for me. The excitement and the rush through my body everytime I uttered "Yes Sir" was amazing and living the lifestyle showed me a totally new side to myself. The role of a submissive became natural to me, in fact I was told by several Doms im quite a natural submissive, and I was proud of that. It felt great.
The reason I am telling this is of course that something changed. I noticed the changes quite a while ago but couldnt make sense of them and when I did I had to build up the courage to letting the old things go and embracing the new. After a long break I started being back in the lifestyle as a submissive again with my dom Sir Varrick. I kinda wanted to continue where I left of but something was different. The obedience that came so easy to me before was suddenly a struggle. I still enjoyed it but the excitement the rush was missing. I tried to be obedient but really struggled with it. At the time I thought maybe I dont try hard enough so I tried harder but no matter how much effort I put into it I only made small improvements. I tried to find the old excitement but it just wasnt there. For a submissive loosing this feeling can be extremely frustrating and lead to quite a big self disapointment. I still tried my best and was able in some way to do my tasks, orders and restrictions but it just wasnt the same. Something changed.
Then after some time I got in contact with another submissive who was seeking to be dominated. I surely had offers before but I was never interested because I am not switch I am a submissive after all. However this time it was different I was intriqued by the way he liked being dominated. I saw some of the things that excited me long ago so much in him in a very different way. And suddenly I felt the rush again not in submitting to someone but in seeing someone else submitting. After getting my doms approval I started becoming his dominant which was an amazing feeling. I felt the same excitement but this time not in obeying the orders and tasks but by giving them. So after another educational talk with my dom I became a switch which seemed like sort of a middle ground. It felt like a new side of the me that I want to explore. Being in the dominant role felt so natural and easy for me. Dont get me wrong being a dominant is so much work if done right and can be really draining. What I mean is I didnt need to learn how to be a mistress I didnt need a book to tell me what to do I just did the right things. I was working on instinct and applying all the valueable lessons I learned as a submissive. Against my expectiation it went further and during one month I had multiple subs. My life as a submissive was pushed more and more in the background. I still did my tasks and the things I was supposed to do but there was no real advancement it came to a standstill and I didnt really had the inner desire to push myself forward as a submissive. I noticed I felt more as a dominant than a submissive and struggled with accepting this change.
Changes often are really scary. Change mean a venture in the unknown. Routine is easy it is comfort. We know what will happen and what we have to do. Change means taking a risk. Not knowing how things will turn out and to learn something completely foreign to us. Thats why many people are reluctant to change it pushes us out of the comfort zone. However after reflecting upon all that happened lately I decided to embrace the changes rather than hide from them. Change is also a chance to learn to evolve to develop into something new. Engaging more and more with my submissives made the picture ever more clearer. I was a submissive but that was the past now I am a dominant whether I want it or not. Dominance and Submission is not something we choose but is given to us. Its not something we become but something we are. I cant let myself be hold back by something I was and ignore what I am now. The past is meaningless, its dead what counts is the now.
So I had to talk with my dom about it which is not an easy task. I mean how do you tell your dominant the person whose collar you wear that you are not a submissive anymore and dont want to pretend you are something you no longer are? True D/S relationship are not just the whips and ropes its a deep emotional connection. Not being a submissive anymore means severing this connection. Its like telling a loved one what you felt once you dont feel any longer. So I had a rather long conversation with my dom reluctantly guiding the conversation to this point. Lucky for me he picked up on it and adressed this topic head on. So we talked about it and agreed its time for me to get my collar removed. It wasnt a sad moment however. In fact it was full of excitement and opportunities. Its not so much the end of a relationship but the beginning of a new era a new form of relationship. My fears of disappointment and hurt feelings were unfounded. It was a hard, neccessary and good step to take. I no longer feel the rush when saying "Yes Sir" but when I am spoken to as "Yes Mistress".
So from now on I no longer identify as a submissive. I identify as a dominant, a mistress, a teacher, a guide and most important a learner of a new dynamic.
