My way to Dominance

Its been a while since my last entry and there is a reason for that. I went through some big changes and needed some time to evaluate my role as a submissive and figure things out. I always seen myself as a submissive and discovering my submissive side was such a life changing experience for me. The excitement and the rush through my body everytime I uttered "Yes Sir" was amazing and living the lifestyle showed me a totally new side to myself. The role of a submissive became natural to me, in fact I was told by several Doms im quite a natural submissive, and I was proud of that. It felt great.

The reason I am telling this is of course that something changed. I noticed the changes quite a while ago but couldnt make sense of them and when I did I had to build up the courage to letting the old things go and embracing the new. After a long break I started being back in the lifestyle as a submissive again with my dom Sir Varrick. I kinda wanted to continue where I left of but something was different. The obedience that came so easy to me before was suddenly a struggle. I still enjoyed it but the excitement the rush was missing. I tried to be obedient but really struggled with it. At the time I thought maybe I dont try hard enough so I tried harder but no matter how much effort I put into it I only made small improvements. I tried to find the old excitement but it just wasnt there. For a submissive loosing this feeling  can be extremely frustrating and lead to quite a big self disapointment. I still tried my best and was able in some way to do my tasks, orders and restrictions but it just wasnt the same. Something changed.

Then after some time I got in contact with another submissive who was seeking to be dominated. I surely had offers before but I was never interested because I am not switch I am a submissive after all. However this time it was different I was intriqued by the way he liked being dominated. I saw some of the things that excited me long ago so much in him in a very different way. And suddenly I felt the rush again not in submitting to someone but in seeing someone else submitting. After getting my doms approval I started becoming his dominant which was an amazing feeling. I felt the same excitement but this time not in obeying the orders and tasks but by giving them. So after another educational talk with my dom I became a switch which seemed like sort of a middle ground. It felt like a new side of the me that I want to explore.  Being in the dominant role felt so natural and easy for me. Dont get me wrong being a dominant is so much work if done right and can be really draining. What I mean is I didnt need to learn how to be a mistress I didnt need a book to tell me what to do I just did the right things. I was working on instinct and applying all the valueable lessons I learned as a submissive. Against my expectiation it went further and during one month I had multiple subs. My life as a submissive was pushed more and more in the background. I still did my tasks and the things I was supposed to do but there was no real advancement it came to a standstill and I didnt really had the inner desire to push myself forward as a submissive. I noticed I felt more as a dominant than a submissive and struggled with accepting this change.

Changes often are really scary. Change mean a venture in the unknown. Routine is easy it is comfort. We know what will happen and what we have to do. Change means taking a risk. Not knowing how things will turn out and to learn something completely foreign to us. Thats why many people are reluctant to change it pushes us out of the comfort zone. However after reflecting upon all that happened lately I decided to embrace the changes rather than hide from them. Change is also a chance to learn to evolve to develop into something new. Engaging more and more with my submissives made the picture ever more clearer. I was a submissive but that was the past now I am a dominant whether I want it or not. Dominance and Submission is not something we choose but is given to us. Its not something we become but something we are. I cant let myself be hold back by something I was and ignore what I am now. The past is meaningless, its dead what counts is the now.

So I had to talk with my dom about it which is not an easy task. I mean how do you tell your dominant the person whose collar you wear that you are not a submissive anymore and dont want to pretend you are something you no longer are? True D/S relationship are not just the whips and ropes its a deep emotional connection. Not being a submissive anymore means severing this connection. Its like telling a loved one what you felt once you dont feel any longer. So I had a rather long conversation with my dom reluctantly guiding the conversation to this point. Lucky for me he picked up on it and adressed this topic head on. So we talked about it and agreed its time for me to get my collar removed. It wasnt a sad moment however. In fact it was full of excitement and opportunities. Its not so much the end of a relationship but the beginning of a new era a new form of relationship. My fears of disappointment and hurt feelings were unfounded. It was a hard, neccessary and good step to take. I no longer feel the rush when saying "Yes Sir" but when I am spoken to as "Yes Mistress".

So from now on I no longer identify as a submissive. I identify as a dominant, a mistress, a teacher, a guide and most important a learner of a new dynamic.

Some believe a good sub must always agree with her dom and speaking her mind to him is a blamish in her submissiveness. Some believe only praising her dom and shyly  saying ‚yes sir‘ to everything he says is a sign of a good sub. When I started my journey I tend to believe this and felt somehow at fault when I didn’t see an issue like my dominant did. This is also what some dominants tend to teach which I see today as a severe technical error when it comes to teaching a submissive.

With time in the lifestyle I understood most dominants, at least the ones who take their dominance seriously and follow protocols, don’t appreciate this form of submissiveness. These dominants don’t want his submissive to blindly repeat everything he says or hear being praised all the time. They look for submissives that engage with them, that give them input, that speak their mind and even disagree with them. In short they look for a relationship with a real person and not just someone who tells then everything they already know.

However speaking your mind and disagreement must always be voice respectfully. Full agreement is not a sign of submissiveness but being respectful is even at the times we are upset. 

There comes a time in the journey as a sub when we fall short of what is expected of us. Im not talking about an unintentional mistake or willfull disobedience when one does not care about the rules and restrictions laid out for us. I mean when we mess up when we want to obey our dom/masters rules but have a moment of weakness and overstep our boundaries. This happened recently a bunch of times to me so today I wanna share my experience with how I dealed with that.

Mistakes are a tricky subject for me partly due to how I was raised. I learned early on mistakes are unaceptable and must be avoided at all costs. My usual behaviour when I messed up was feeling im a failure and a disppointent to everyone around me. Often I felt all is lost and I can as well give because I messed everything up again. So I used to be very careful not to mess up and if did to hide it from others to escape their disappointment in me. As a sub hiding is no real option so I put much effort into never breaking the rules I was given. In my previous relationships as a sub that worked out somewhat and the very few times I wasnt strong enough it wasnt just me but something else that went wrong. In fact I was very proud of me being so utterly obedient which looking back almost bordered on being arrogant and overconfident in myself. Failing a task was not an option because in my mind that meant I am a bad sub and if I am a bad sub my dom will leave me of course.

With my current dom this is very different. The first rules I was given was to deny me any sexual pleasure and to refrain from sexual activity including sex talk or porn for as long as he sees fit. I am a pretty sexual person so with all my outlets restricted it became so hard for me even when I did like the idea and it turned me on a bit which certainly didnt help matters. So it didnt take too long before I messed which made me feel so frustrated. To my surprise my dom wasnt mad or disappointed in me. He told me he expected me to fail these tasks and he cannot be mad about something he fully expected when he set up these rules for me. ni matter how often I broke my rules he always forgave me after I was punished and told me to learn from my mistakes. 

At first I was so frustrated and disappointed in me but in time I learned some valueable lessons. I learned that making mistakes is part of the journey as a sub and helps her to grow. It doesnt make me a bad sub or a disappointment to him and he wont leave me because of it. I learned  that the real test is not to perfectly obey everything he orders me but how do I behave when I fail. Do I try to hide from him or do I tell him what happened from myself and gladly accept my punishment. The bad sub is not the one who gets weak and messes up difficult tasks but the one who tries to cover up her mistakes and does not learn from the mistakes made. As long as I come regetful to him and learn from my mistakes he will never turn away from me because this is what makes a good sub. 

I getting better with my current tasks and set up some new records already. I will probably fail again at one point even when I try my best not to and that is totally okay. In fact my mistakes and failures help me to grow and become a better sub. 

Recently I learned a valueable lesson from my Dom. In my previous D/S relationship submitting felt quite easy and I prided myself on being more submissive than most. It was a struggle sometimes but mostly it was fun and my Doms gave me what I wanted so being submissive was fairly easy and my mistakes were few. My current Dom puts more emphasis on personal growth and training than sexual play which is quite a challenge for me. Rather than giving me the rules I want He gives me rules that train me to be a better submissive. Its fun alright but also shows me how hard it can be to restrict myself from pleasures Im used to and really want because he doesnt want me to. Even though I failed quite some times he been super compassionate and patiently gave me my punishments. It gave me a new outlook on what it means to be submissive and deepened my understanding of the lifestyle. It kinda damaged my pride and showed me how much I still have to learn. Being a submissive isnt all fun and play but sometimes it requires so much patience and self discipline. Being submissive can be so hard...