Compromise
“an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.”
Compromise is at the strong foundation of any and all relationships. The unwillingness to budge can cause one person to feel unheard which can lead to that person feeling unimportant it’s a snowball effect. So compromise is important. The question is how much compromise. Compromise to little and you get the snowball effect compromise to much and you start to feel unheard. So where’s the line? Where’s the middle.
One thing I saw my parents do a lot growing up was trying to change the mind of each other. That’s pointless a waste of time. People will feel how they feel and think what they want and will die on the hill of “I’m right” what I see with so many of my friends is the hounding of things from there man and then he eventually does it. What’s funny to me about that is they will be so happy and it’s like he didn’t do it because he loves you or even likes you he did it because you were on his nerve. That will never be my situation my significant other doesn’t want to do something don’t do it. I’ll figure it out if it’s something small or simple if it’s bigger a desire a want/need that isn’t being fulfilled I’ll leave.
Now when I say this to friends and family here response (after serval failed relationships may I add) say if you love someone you fight for them. Lol I yes that’s true but if you reach a crossroads where you can not find a solution the solution will be either one person gets it and the other doesn’t or it doesn’t happen at all either way someone is left feeling slighted. Its delaying the inevitable because eventually resentment will set in weather it’s noticed or not and that is the start of the decline. Why wait until that moment, when you can part peacefully? Come to terms that it’s not going to work the wants are to different the needs aren’t what they once were. For me people change they grow as that happens needs change and grow and it may not align with your partner anymore. Instead of acting as if it’s the end of the world. Come to terms with it and peacefully part ways.
One of the top reason people stay in relationships is out of fear of being alone. When I hear people say this my first question is “do you love yourself” because if you do what’s to fear about being with you? That’s a concept I don’t get. I’ll walk alone in happiness before I’ll journey with someone in misery.
See compromise is important but it’s also important not to lose yourself in the bliss of a relationship. Many people are nervous to speak up for what they want or need out of fear.
Fear that it will happen fear that it will upset there partner so on and so forth. Being fearful in a relationship should be considered a red flag. One of my favorite things to research and learn about since introduced to me in my psych 201 class is “emotional dependency” last time I did research on it over 80 percent of relationships have and emotional dependent person over 55 percent of marriages have an emotional dependent person and of those 55 percent only 15 percent of those marriages survive.
So that begs the questions where does this come from? Why does it happen? Well the number 1 factor is abandonment of some kind in the dependent persons life mostly early childhood which leads to the 2 factor of fear of being alone.
Learning this and knowing that I have childhood trauma I immediately took steps to make sure that it was something I would never fall subject to it doesn’t even sound fun at all.
So what does that have to do with compromise well having all the signs that would make me an emotionally dependent person when it comes to compromise I need to be very careful that I’m not backing down or putting what I want, need and desire to the side for the pleasure of my partner. I want to be in a 24/7 TPE dynamic however that doesn’t mean what I want doesn’t matter in that dynamic is just means my wants would come after my Doms but I’m also a person and everything is negotiated. As a person I wouldn’t want my day to day wants to be pushed to the wayside either.
Walking away and reevaluating the situation is very important. Quiet time and patience. If you cover up shit with sugar is it chocolate? No it’s not. So acting as if everything is okay or certain things are not desired is counterproductive eventually it will come to the surface. Weather a bed should have 6 pillows or 3 on it is something that can be comprised, if ceiling lights are better than natural lights, regular windows or floor to ceiling windows, should dinner be served at 5 or 7, is pink an acceptable bedroom wall color ( yes, yes it is), should a home cost 80,000 or 250,000, two stories or one, in-ground pool or above ground, sex everyday or only on weekends, 5 dogs or 2, those are things that can be compromised those are things that can be met in the middle somewhere.
Somethings however there will be no compromising on it’s almost the same as soft to hard limits. Soft limits compromise hard limit no compromise. If there is no way to get on the same page then it’s time to close the chapter and start a new one. Some people are part of your entire book others just a chapter or two others a few pages some just a couple lines. The point is don’t lose yourself in your own story don’t become a background character when you should be the main character. Don’t allow others to control your narrative.
An amazing article on break ups and the healthy way to do it!
http://healthymagazine.com/the-healthy-breakup/