I always try to convince myself to write a blog at least once a day but honestly I fail each time so now I’m just writing when I feel like it. Today I feel like talking a bit about my past and what shaped me into who I am today.
I’m an only child so I was always extremely spoiled by my parents. Which they didn’t need to do much of since I’m not extremely picky with my hobbies. As an introvert I love being home reading, watching tv, playing video games. So at times my parents almost forgot I existed. I taught myself a lot of the strong beliefs I have and to control myself better specially with emotions as I seemingly inherited my dad’s anger issues. But anyways that’s not the story I want to tell. My story starts at a young age. I can never quite recall the age. Why do I start here? Because that is when I feel my life started going to hell. This is when I started playing video games. One in specific which name’s I refuse to tell. I was quite young and naive and knew nothing of the world which made me easy prey for all the perverted people in the online world. It didn’t help that at that time I looked the way I look now. My looks haven’t changed throughout the years by much. As soon as puberty came around I developed an hourglass figure that I found through those younger years, men love a lot. Anyways I was young and stupid and got myself into things I shouldn’t. My only saving grace was that it was just online but mental and emotional scars leave a Mark that more often than not is deeper than anything physical. The physical heals and you will forget it. But the emotion and mental scars remain. At that young age I found I loved roleplaying, the sexual type and became quite addicted to it. My looks helped me get men that were far too older for me to even contemplate. They were adults while I was a child. I did many things during those years that damaged my young mind and developed split and multiple personalities to cope with those things. At that time I didn’t know how to say no. “No I don’t want to send nudes” “ no I don’t want to be naked in webcam” “no I don’t want you”. So I always said yes to everything. But little by little I got tired. I got tired of only being seen for my looks. I was just a pretty face and hot body. I wasn’t a person. In fact, those men hated my personality. My extremely vain and shallow personality. What can anyone expect though? I was always complimented on my looks and that is pretty nice for such a young and stupid mind. Then things started changing. As more men knew how I looked like and wanted me the women started attacking me. You would think they’d have some sympathy for me based on my young age but they didn’t. They were merciless. So I learned to fight and I was so much nastier. “It’s not my fault your boyfriend left you cuz he finds me so much more attractive than your whale ass will ever be”. I used my looks against them. After all, it truly wasn’t my fault. I didn’t know how to say no. And the more I grew the more one emotion grew inside my heart, hatred. How I hated myself for being this way and the men that were relentless in their pursuit of me. So I changed the game. I stopped dating and started using those men to feed my addiction to sex role playing. I’d show my body like I didn’t care and I didn’t. I was like a druggie. I only cared about being horny and happy because the alternative was feeling emptiness. I became addicted to know how men expressed themselves in a sexual way. To the way they sounded when they came. To the compliments they’d feed me. To the sweet and empty promises they’d give me. You see, I had finally learned that all those sweet promises and words of love were bs. It was a way for them to get more from me. I slowly became the arrogant and shallow person they always called me. What got to me during this time was how nasty people can be and how no one ever asked me if I was truly ok. And I wasn’t. As the years of doing this kept going I noticed patterns. When other young people came into the game world they were attacked by the predators that had come for me so I shielded as many as I could. I would target that man and pull them from that young child and I’d tell the child to not do those things. To not walk down the same path as me. And I succeeded in saving some of them while screwing myself up. I did this most of my teenage life. I was this person for quite a while. Slowly I changed. It’s been a gradual process. I stopped caring about my addiction as it didn’t give me the pleasure I felt before. All that was left was emptiness and my desire to experience my first love again. Yes, my first love saved me as I realized then that what truly filled me up was love. So I stopped concentrating on just the sexual part and more the emotional and little by little I pulled myself from the dark hole I was in.
For years I blamed myself for all that happened but I realized some years back that it wasn’t my fault. I was a victim. I was too young to make the decisions I made. I still work on bettering myself as a person but some things stay. One thing that has stayed is my arrogance in my looks. It gets very much on my nerves when I find out I got ghosted over someone I consider uglier than me as for so many years my knowledge over my looks kept me going. I must say I’m getting better. It doesn’t drive me into a mindless rage anymore to be left for someone physically uglier than me as I know the physical isn’t everything and people also like the internal side too. So I keep working at who I am as a person and not so much on my looks. While I appreciate them I don’t place the same emphasis as I did in the past. I’m not just a pretty face. I’m a person too and I want to be seen for what’s inside and damn whoever doesn’t.
Anyways yeah, that’s the brief story of my life and the part I will concentrate on. Maybe in the future I’ll divulge a bit more but who knows. I never divulge everything about myself except maybe my psychologist so I can work through my issues.
Some upbeat music after this post cuz the past is in the past and nothing can change it. The only thing you can do is learn from it and become a better person.
