My late Dom gave me a project, he wanted my name to have a true meaning for us in our life together.
He was not my first life partner, but so far he was my last. When we connected I felt that I wanted to be new again for him. As though I had been rebooted and reprogrammed. Updated and debugged!
He gave me so much, his home, his life, his intelligence and experience of life. Most importantly he gave me back myself.
He always called me Naya, although it is not my legal name. He used that name for a reason, my job was to gather all the information I could find about my name and it was one of the most fascinating journeys.
My favourite (and his) is the Sanskrit word Naya ( नय ) which literally means wisdom, doctrine. It also means conduct, behaviour, good management, prudence, maxim.
Naya is an ancient name but seems to have its roots in Ancient Hindu and Sanskrit. Exploring this world was incredibly fascinating, but the more I read about different versions of Indian religious cultures, the number one message was that To be true to my name, I had to have a purpose, display harmlessness towards every living being, practise and stimulate self-control through spiritual development.
You would be right to think that I am professing to be some kind of perfect, poised, wise submissive with exotic ways and crazy beliefs.
I am not at all. But I did lose my purpose, at least I thought I had. He was my purpose, right?
No, I am my purpose. My name is a way to remind me that I need to revisit that project. I need to be a new version of myself, for myself.
I could do with some more wisdom to work out quite how to achieve that. For the first time in my adult life I am completely free to do anything I want, I just don’t know what that is.
Grief is a permanent condition. It never diminishes you simply start to rebuild your life around it and it becomes part of you. For four years I have been existing one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time to survive it. I’ve reached a point where I can be or do anything I want to.
I still have no idea what that is. I’ve been a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, a submissive.
I am still a sister and a friend, I am still a mother of grown up children with lives.
I hope the universe is listening and plans to give me a sign soon, I’m ready!!!!
