One thing that has always been with me is music. This man, his band, have been with me from preteen to the woman I am now. I first had the privilege of seeing him live in 2000, A Perfect Circle was the opening act. A live show is a brain break for me, a mini vacation with plenty of sensory overload. So enjoy some NIИ tonight, I know I’ll be.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wg2v5vjz_H8
this puppy is cute as fuck, he reminds me of a cranky little old man
This movie always brings me to my happy place, where I can laugh and not have to do anything besides enjoy.
I try to avoid confrontation/conflict, as best as I can anyhow. Somehow though, it’s like people can sense that I feel very deeply even when I try my hardest to hide it. So my emotions get preyed on, like with this puppy. He’s 7 weeks old, has virtually been ignored from birth by his people and they’re bringing him to me. My American puppy, that a coworker told me I’m getting, without even asking if I wanted him. I feel steamrolled, but at the same time I feel I’m saving his little puppy life. I’ve found him a name (a proper Yorkshire name), I’ve found him possibilities in a new home. My job isn’t the type where I think it’s fair for him to be cooped up the majority of the time, nor is it one where I could stop as often as he needed at this stage in his life. Just because he is a small breed doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve proper training. I meet him Sunday, then he goes to his new home that I have chosen. What this entire situation has shown me is that some seem to have good intentions, but they’re just that, intentions. It’s not something they’re likely to put into practice. I’ve already been through too much of giving an inch and then having a mile taken from me.
To say I was traumatized would be an understatement. I punished myself for years for something I had zero control over. I thought that my light wasn’t enough for his darkness, I now know I was the only light in the dark, but I let myself flicker and fade. I merely existed, I went through all the motions day in & day out, but I no longer felt alive, just numb. I dared not to think, to mourn. I allowed narcissists I had escaped from in my childhood get their claws back in me. They saw me at my weakest point and worked in my ever present guilt factor, my inherent nature to please people, my inability to say no, to further break me down. Fortunately the body can only just get by on the bare minimum for so long before it starts to revolt. I moved away from the narcissists, although they did their damn best to keep their claws in me, trying to wear me down, bend me to their will, break my spirit until I had nothing left of myself....and almost succeeded at it too. I bent once more to their will, then once I did what they asked they threw me away like trash, like my life was infinitely disposable. My entire life beyond any salvage, I left everything on a curb and got the f out. Starting over with nothing but myself laid bare, rediscovering my passions, what drove me before I was broken, what drives me now, what brings me pleasure as well as peace. This is part of my journey, part of who I am, the part of me that is the light and the dark.
I identify myself as new here, which I am. In all honesty I do have experience with online domination, I had an online Dom when I was in my early 20’s. It was an intensely erotic, sexual & intellectual connection, for over 2 years. He became my everything. We were planning on meeting in rl, he was coming to spend time with me, finally, but after 3 days of not hearing from him, I was worried. I called him multiple times with no answer during this time. I ended up calling his sister desperate to know where he was, if he was all right, hoping he wasn’t in an accident. He had taken his own life, before he left on his trip to visit me. The reaction I had was to shut down completely, I tucked this part of me down deep and just shut down emotionally for an unhealthy amount of time. I knew I tried to do everything I could to make him happy, to please him. He was far too plagued by his own demons to consider those of us who loved him. This is the main reason I’m not looking for online only, I need the reality, I need to be able to feel who is capturing my mind, my soul.... it can all disappear in a moment......
So, being asked for complete honesty should be a two way street right? Apparently not so much. I should have realized the first two times the question went ignored or unanswered, instead I pressed my luck. When something niggles the back of your brain, don’t ignore it. When the talk has no common ground besides bdsm, don’t ignore it. Building something that you want to last, even when your venturing into somewhat unseen territory, is difficult, the most difficult journey one will ever undertake. Thankfully I saw it for what it was, driving the wrong way on a one way street.
Being new here, it is a bit of something to navigate the ins & outs. One thing is for sure, identifying as a sub comes with a lot of hazards online. I’m discovering myself, discovering the part of me I have ignored for many years. I am finally taking the path that I believe will answer my needs. What I do not understand is the level of disrespect, bitterness and rudeness from others who claim to be in the ‘lifestyle’. I may be submissive, but I’m not putting up with bs from people. who do you think you are when you don’t even take the time or have the inclination to even have a conversation. I realize the majority of people on here are a great distance away, me being me, I am looking for more of a hands on approach. I have a list of things I eagerly want to try with the right Sir. So I took some fantastic advice from an attached dom in general chat & am looking for like minds in my area. Not to discount the online thing, it just isn’t for me. So I am here for friendship & share pieces of my journey with those of you who are real on here. Doms if you are attached, I would prefer talking to your sub. If it’s an open situation, I would prefer talking to you both, I do not believe in keeping secrets or being dishonest. Doms who are single, I am not chasing you, bottom line, I know my value.