The Long and Winding Road

To say I was traumatized would be an understatement. I punished myself for years for something I had zero control over. I thought that my light wasn’t enough for his darkness, I now know I was the only light in the dark, but I let myself flicker and fade. I merely existed, I went through all the motions day in & day out, but I no longer felt alive, just numb. I dared not to think, to mourn.  I allowed narcissists I had escaped from in my childhood get their claws back in me. They saw me at my weakest point and worked in my ever present guilt factor, my inherent nature to please people, my inability to say no, to further break me down. Fortunately the body can only just get by on the bare minimum for so long before it starts to revolt. I moved away from the narcissists, although they did their damn best to keep their claws in me, trying to wear me down, bend me to their will, break my spirit until I had nothing left of myself....and almost succeeded at it too. I bent once more to their will, then once I did what they asked they threw me away like trash, like my life was infinitely disposable. My entire life beyond any salvage, I left everything on a curb and got the f out. Starting over with nothing but myself laid bare, rediscovering  my passions, what drove me before I was broken, what drives me now, what brings me pleasure as well as peace. This is part of my journey, part of who I am, the part of me that is the light and the dark.