Where I’ve been on my journey is in a place of reawakening. A mindset of rediscovering long suppressed aspects of me as a whole. It has also been about me fixing what was broken and mangled, fixing myself, accepting myself, all the fuckery that has had a hand in who I am at this moment in time. When I first firmly decided to finally start this journey I am now on, I wasn’t whole. I don’t think I was entirely healthy either. Was I perhaps looking for a bandaid to slap on, a quick fix to procrastinate, to ignore my insides, most likely. What I discovered was that I first needed to heal, to become whole as an individual before entering into the depths I am seeking.
I have been attending a variety of zoom meetings & webinars. Something that was repeated in almost every single one that I attended was this book They FiVe Languages of Love’ by Dr. Gary Chapman. Yes it’s ‘Christian’ yes it’s orientation is strictly for the heteronormative monogamist couple, but I quickly found that once I looked past that, it was a solid foundation to not only learn about what speaks to me, but also what speaks to others in my life. I discovered I am a very time oriented person, who also has a deep need for touch. I also took away the ability to see how others show their love for me and to me in their own ways. This has given me some much needed success In knowing what I need from a partner to feel fulfilled.
I have spent a great deal of time accepting events in my life, some that I let define certain choices I have made. Some that have led me to be resistant to believing in what I truly deserve. They happened, they helped shape certain reactions, certain perspectives, but I cannot let them define me. I am a remarkably well adjusted human being despite all of it, and I am proud of my ability to overcome what should have killed me.
I have also spent a great deal of time working on my emotional availability. To be able to enter into a dynamic from a completely honest, open, and genuine perspective. The old adage ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’ kept playing in my mind. Yes the D types can help guide us, but in reality we can only fix ourselves. I wanted to ensure I entered into a healthy dynamic, not a toxic one.
This led me to physical availability. Sure I’m mostly healthy, working on my whole, but I’ve kept myself physically unavailable to anything that could involve something more than friendship. I actually have been homeless for the past 2 years. Not super terrible for the last 1.5 because of my occupation, but not ideal for anything with substance.
So that led me to now. I found for, applied and was accepted for an affordable one bedroom apartment. I also updated my resume and applied for more regional positions in which I can work in the same capacity, with the same or better earning potential, but have more home time ie greater availability. I have a road test with a company on Monday. I have also been talking with a D, not all the kinky shit that everyone slides in under the premise of friendship, but just talking, building a friendship with each other, a give and take, a rare thing to find in my experience so far.
So that brings me to making my outsides match my insides. Physical fitness. I have been working with a nutritionist for a few months, but you get what you pay for.... she was free so not the best in follow up or maintaining contact. I messaged a personal trainer I have known for about 10 years seven weeks ago, so I’ve been working with him for the past 6 weeks. Focusing on nutrition/mindful eating habits, hydration and regaining core strength. I was undereating, overeating, eating at the wrong times and not drinking enough water. Meal prep and accessible options while I’m working have helped combat that. Breakfast, which I’ve always struggled with, is my most important meal now. I know it might not look like it from the photos on my profile, but that’s me....all 230lbs of me. 80lbs over my happy weight, I mean I was at 260lbs to start 2020 which I lost 30lbs by cutting out sugar and refined carbs, whole foods!, so so far so good! Using just body weight and working out for not that long 2/3 times a week I am shrinking. It’s pretty frikken amazing what correct positioning, breathing and my own body weight has done for me, I can see the progress, the change. I may have helped it along a bit with my use of a compression band and something I call sitting plank, but I really want to start corset training myself again.
Hope all of you have been well!
Maggie
