The Long and Winding Road

Point Ruston in Tacoma 💝

Where I’ve been on my journey is in a place of reawakening. A mindset of rediscovering long suppressed aspects of me as a whole. It has also been about me fixing what was broken and mangled, fixing myself, accepting myself, all the fuckery that has had a hand in who I am at this moment in time. When I first firmly decided to finally start this journey I am now on, I wasn’t whole. I don’t think I was entirely healthy either. Was I perhaps looking for a bandaid to slap on, a quick fix to procrastinate, to ignore my insides, most likely. What I discovered was that I first needed to heal, to become whole as an individual before entering into the depths I am seeking. 

I have been attending a variety of zoom meetings & webinars. Something that was repeated in almost every single one that I attended was this book They FiVe Languages of Love’ by Dr. Gary Chapman. Yes it’s ‘Christian’ yes it’s orientation is strictly for the heteronormative monogamist couple, but I quickly found that once I looked past that, it was a solid foundation to not only learn about what speaks to me, but also what speaks to others in my life. I discovered I am a very time oriented person, who also has a deep need for touch. I also took away the ability to see how others show their love for me and to me in their own ways. This has given me some much needed success In knowing what I need from a partner to feel fulfilled. 

I have spent a great deal of time accepting events in my life, some that I let define certain choices I have made. Some that have led me to be resistant to believing in what I truly deserve. They happened, they helped shape certain reactions, certain perspectives, but I cannot let them define me. I am a remarkably well adjusted human being despite all of it, and I am proud of my ability to overcome what should have killed me.

I have also spent a great deal of time working on my emotional availability. To be able to enter into a dynamic from a completely honest, open, and genuine perspective. The old adage ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’ kept playing in my mind. Yes the D types can help guide us, but in reality we can only fix ourselves. I wanted to ensure I entered into a healthy dynamic, not a toxic one.

This led me to physical availability. Sure I’m mostly healthy, working on my whole, but I’ve kept myself physically unavailable to anything that could involve something more than friendship. I actually have been homeless for the past 2 years. Not super terrible for the last 1.5 because of my occupation, but not ideal for anything with substance. 

So that led me to now. I found for, applied and was accepted for an affordable one bedroom apartment. I also updated my resume and applied for more regional positions in which I can work in the same capacity, with the same or better earning potential, but have more home time ie greater availability. I have a road test with a company on Monday. I have also been talking with a D, not all the kinky shit that everyone slides in under the premise of friendship, but just talking, building a friendship with each other, a give and take, a rare thing to find in my experience so far. 

So that brings me to making my outsides match my insides. Physical fitness. I have been working with a nutritionist for a few months, but you get what you pay for.... she was free so not the best in follow up or maintaining contact. I messaged a personal trainer I have known for about 10 years seven weeks ago, so I’ve been working with him for the past 6 weeks. Focusing on nutrition/mindful eating habits, hydration and regaining core strength. I was undereating, overeating, eating at the wrong times and not drinking enough water. Meal prep and accessible options while I’m working have helped combat that. Breakfast, which I’ve always struggled with, is my most important meal now. I know it might not look like it from the photos on my profile, but that’s me....all 230lbs of me. 80lbs over my happy weight, I mean I was at 260lbs to start 2020 which I lost 30lbs by cutting out sugar and refined carbs, whole foods!, so so far so good! Using just body weight and working out for not that long 2/3 times a week I am shrinking. It’s pretty frikken amazing what correct positioning, breathing and my own body weight has done for me, I can see the progress, the change. I may have helped it along a bit with my use of a compression band and something I call sitting plank, but I really want to start corset training myself again. 

Hope all of you have been well! 

Maggie

As you all know or maybe not I suffered from Heat Stroke during Summer Solstice. Since that time I’ve had a few adventures, a lot of working and I’ve been working on repairing my vault. Which looked & felt a lot like this....

I can use the symbolism of LoTR for a lot of my internal struggle. The Balrog means a variety of things to me, but at its core is the fact that it is my oldest and darkest demon. It has been with me since the dawn of memory, the source of my shame, my self doubt, my insecurities. It has lead me down into darkness throughout my life. It is also my first abuser, someone who was supposed to protect me, instead they held power over me mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. The heat stroke came with seizures, and with those seizures my vault cracked open, and the darkness spewed forth. So I told the good parts of me to run and I fell into battle. I fell back through time, to the beginning where memories were whispers of clouds still forming, up until I had the courage to leave at the ripe age of 11. I battled within until I made myself sick, until I felt everything and nothing all at once. Trying to stuff the darkness back behind the vault door. Then the photo came, as it has every year since I first left my family. Perhaps this is why the vault door cracked, so I could no longer be a victim and become a survivor. To attain the moment when I could look at their face and finally say “you have no power here”. Initially I thought I should write it all down, I took one look at it and came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to traumatize or re-traumatize anyone who read it. So I downloaded a recorder and started speaking the words out loud, which leaves me lighter after every session of this self therapy. Finally the words are out into the universe, finally I can begin to heal. I had some amazing revelations, first that my first dog was to help me with my recurring nightmares, and while they never stopped I was blessed to have her be my companion. Second is that I don’t just enjoy being with women because I was conditioned to do so. Thirdly that while my filing system is fantastic, my vault was never meant to last. I had constructed it only to remain shut until I was safe to open it again. The fourth being, I should have never returned to my birth family, they were never designed to love me for me, only what I could do for them. 
 

The biggest revelation for me came while I was listening to the audio version of the five languages of love. I am a ‘time’ oriented person. So down the rabbit hole of my innards again I went. Tapping into the files of the happy happy experiences in my life. Yes my well was empty when first I left, how did I turn into a reasonably well adjusted adult with the trauma of my forming years combined with the sheer fuckery of becoming a youth in care? Aha! I learned how to fill my own well, to make myself the source of my happy happy.

so a funny thing happens when I’m in my memories, wether they be good or bad. The memories become alive again, currently happening and I feel the raw emotions flowing, not just from me, from everyone involved inside that memory. This is why I have a filing system, this is why I cannot talk to others while inside my memory, the raw emotions will project out of me, kinda like what people would consider mpd or if your a zealot, demonic possession. I have to delve into my innards in a safe space and while I am alone. In the presence of others it becomes well an awkward conversation. Eyes changing colour, mannerisms being completely different, tone of voice change. Yep fuck being committed to the looney bin again, not happening. Well anyhow, I refill my well from my happy happy memories, the places in time where I felt loved. Mainly these memories have to do with my grandmother, some were just me curling up with my dog in her house. Some were personal goals achieved that I had set for myself. To be honest some were just old comedy skits that made me laugh, the sheer joy and freedom of laughter in itself is a means of fulfillment and inner peace.

Now why did I feel so empty since the age of 29? I stopped filling my well, I stopped feeling, I flipped on auto pilot and lived a half life after M left this earth. Tho this cannot be sustained for long, my mind kept bucking the auto pilot setting, I moved at 32, just didn’t move far enough. So at 36 I finally flipped auto pilot off. The past four years have been a struggle, a struggle that made me confront and deal with the oldest and deepest of pain. It’s a part of me, I’ve survived the inconceivable and I will continue to survive. Now is the part of my life where I can thrive, fully unlock the potential inside. 

Now for something completely different 

Much Love - Maggie 

The psyche cannot tolerate a vacuum of love. In the severely abused or deprived child, pain, dis-ease, and violance rush in to fill the void. In the average person in our culture, who has been only "normally" deprived of touch, anxiety and an insatiable hunger for posessions replace the missing eros. The child lacking a sense of welcome, joyous belonging, gratuitous security, will learn to hoard the limited supply of affection. According to the law of psychic compensation, not being held leads to holding on, grasping, addiction, posessiveness. Gradually, things replace people as a source of pleasure and security. When the gift of belonging with is denied, the child learns that love means belonging to. To the degree we are arrested at this stage of development, the needy child will dominate our motivations. Other people and things (and there is fundamentally no difference) will be seen as existing solely for the purpose of "my" survival and satisfaction. "Mine" will become the most important word.

Sam Keen

Panfuckingtera was one of the defining bands of my angst riddled youth. I missed marking the anniversary of ‘Cowboys from Hell’ on the 24th, the album where Dime, Vinnie, Rex & Phil made me fall absolutely in love with metal.

And now something I used to play on the piano
(From Vulgar Display of Power)

and right now I really need this

R.I.P Dimebag & Vinnie, my metal angels

So along the way on my journey, I started talking with a couple, or rather the Sir of the couple. Yes, yes, I know, I know,  I found myself getting to know one half of an existing D/s relationship. That’s how they wanted it, Sir was the hunter and she was the bait(that’s how he put it to me) Now I know that I am seeking my own dynamic, I was honest about that from the start, which did not pose an issue whatsoever. You see their particular kink in their relationship is that she enjoys watching him control and (for lack of a better term) fuck other women. He likes controlling and fucking other women. So match made in heaven there. They also have an oral only service sub, which I’m still on the fence about.  So I’ve been looking for a Dom while talking to the D from the couple. He took the time to build a friendship, took the time to get to know me, took the time to just talk. Perimeters were set, I knew the boundaries they both had(ie I’m the friend they get as a toy), they knew mine(ie I’m their friend looking for my own dom but why the heck not have some play friends while I look, also really keen on being with a woman again) No issue whatsoever with my occupation (a no go for most with the pandemic raging) & today the stars aligned, or rather we forced them into alignment. Scheduling had never meshed in the past two months to actually meet on one or both ends. Today it did. Now it might sound strange, but I felt comfortable just going to their house, I mean we had established a connection already, and all of us were just tired of waiting for the time to come. I was nervous and slightly intimidated, I hadn’t been with another woman for 15 years, so wasn’t sure if my mind would translate to my mouth. I show up, Sir let’s me in and the games begin. At first I wasn’t sure what to do, he told us ‘on your knees’ and I was on my knees, then what, but all he had to say was ‘Don’t be shy’ and the next thing I knew balls were in my mouth and ‘play time’ ensued. The whole experience was surreal and enlightening and just fun. Their bond is strong, so strong, so beautiful, and I’m allowed to be a witness to their strength in unity. I also realized I REALLY enjoy being with another woman, it’s not a oh I might try it no it’s a I’ve tried it again and it’s a definite yes yes yes. It’s a powerful thing to make another woman ‘squirt’, lets you know you’re doing a good job, I think Sir May have seen stars, it kinda felt like he did. Now I didn’t orgasm, I didn’t feel the need to. It wasn’t about me today, it was about them. It might sound strange, but my satisfaction came from theirs. After we all chatted, drank water, hugged & then I skipped on out the door. Yes I will be seeing them again, it’s good for me to finally unleash myself instead of being so reserved. Mind you it’s an unleashing in a safe way, but also a learning experience, having a play only Sir with another sub I can talk to in person. Super chill, relaxed, real people, I lucked out with their friendship.

i do require some assistance tho.

anyone have any techniques they’d like to share so I can relax my throat more?

also

any solid techniques for ensuring I can make her squirt again?

Happy Saturday!

So my diet is primarily plant based, has been for some time now....... but every once in a while the fried chicken calls to me. So now I get to Jedi mind trick myself......Troutdale, Oregon thank you for not plucking your chickens before you coat & deep fry them. I will forever gag at that memory

As I recover from my sudden and overwhelming bout with severe heat stroke ..yes I am an idiot for letting it get to that point around summer solstice...I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.....and reading. Mostly about how I came to be here and what I am looking for. Now at my age you’d think I would be a bit more “experienced” ....sad fact is vanilla never did much to get my motor going so I didn’t bother. I’ve never even had a relationship, unless you count an inconsistent purely sexual one for 2 years. After what appeared to be something too good to be true which ended in an abrupt ‘I don’t move backwards only forwards‘ answer to me wanting to discuss what happened, being blocked for apparent insubordination asking for insight......I cannot go to anyone as the blank slate I am....they sound great in theory, but after having what I want to explore summarily ignored not once but twice..... it’s time for me to go forth and write my yes, hell no, ooh maybes. I need the structure, hell I know I crave the discipline.....it’s just I need to find me again before I can find HIM. I lost myself, I lost my passion for life, I lost my dreams......I gave up on them, I let them be sucked away by people I thought actually cared for me. Only to discover it wasn’t me, it was what I could do for them that they cared about. I wish I wish I can wish all I want.....What I need to do is actually face what scares me, find my way out of my bubble, to just LIVE instead of existing, experience instead of going through the motions......to let myself feel.......finding my voice after being silent for so long....... I am grateful to have found this community, even if I am silent.....I still see the words that resonate within.......

& I re read what I sent.......

I have no clue what I did wrong 

I explained an aspect of myself

and it made them angry