I had a lot of things that I had to hide.
My childhood left many indelible marks upon me. Some that could be seen, more that could only been seen through close inspection of my actions. I was so uncomfortable in myself I felt like a collection of strangers forced to live in a confined space; each one jostling for the best position, for control.
I had all these, often conflicting, desires that seemed to be at odds with the wisdom of my elders. With what society expected of me. Who I should be attracted to, how I should interact, what my ambitions and drives should be. I always seemed to be the wrong end of what was expected. When you find yourself to be in the wrong so often, you feel wrong in your core - unnatural and defective.
To deal with not being comfortable in myself I sought to make others comfortable instead. I could not process my own needs, could not accept them. Perhaps doing that for others would be the panacea that had eluded me otherwise? At the very least I could feel like I was making a positive impact for others... This I told myself, over and over. Things had to be better than they were.
I can now safely say, 20+ years later, it fixed nothing. The universe wasn't aggregating my good deeds and making sure they came back to me. Even the feeling that I was making others happy became a millstone around my neck. If I was out there doing it, why could no one reciprocate in kind? My need to be agreeable led me into relationships with more red flags than a military parade in China. Any signs I could let my guard down were crushed and yet I felt that loyalty was its own reward; if only people could see and learn from my example... I was no stranger to betrayal, crueler than many, not so awful as some. I seemed to attract those who couldn't give me back what I gave out, nor could let me go to someone that perhaps could.
There comes a point that change will out. I hope for many of you it came in a positive way, but I expect like me, it was heralded by something you would never wish to experience again. I won't go into the details of what it was, its not important ultimately. Eventually, I chose to make it into something useful instead, to make a choice to release the pain as best I could and while I was at it, to release my previous notions and ways of thinking.Well, most of them :)
Suddenly, there in the mirror was not ten people fighting, nor five, nor even two. There was a single man looking back at me that knew everything that he must do, like it was tattooed on the back of his eyelids. As though he had always known.
I always had. I had merely told myself I was wrong. This is how I come to be fresh on the path to discovery yet world weary in the understanding of where that path must lead.
So if you encounter me upon your travels, our paths intersect for even a brief moment, you need do no more than wave and you shall receive a wave in kind, a knowing nod, and my support shall go with you. I cut my feet for a lifetime upon paths not meant for me and now I must make use of that experience so that perhaps I may save another even a single cut.
No longer helping just to fit in and to be the 'agreeable one', but to atone to myself for those wasted years of doubt and disregard.
Hello, fellow traveler.
