after one too many lies, one too many times of feeling ignored one too many- oh you get the point. It is my tendency to exile someone.
Even if they end the relationship. I consider it a cooling of period. I mean I reign in on my emotions and don't do stupid stuff.
Exile means at least 90 days absolutely no contact. Its hard for me, because if I love someone, cleaving them out of my being well it sucks.
The longer they were a part of your life and the deeper the betrayal, the more you feel hurt. Submission can be like that, you get involved, you serve, you are invested. And when you find out all the stuff, all the stuff, well I think its hard. Subs give so much of themselves. And you give so much the first thought is to lash out. And this might feel good in the moment, I think most of us would say, it isn't healthy. You are going to need time to cool off.
But that cooling period means, you get a grip, You don't involve other people in the drama. No you don't get to involve someone's wife or husband. You don't out people. You just put them in a box in a closet and forget about them. (not literally people-its a metaphor)
It might seem cruel to some people, but it gives me the grace to not drag things on and on. The safety to feel what I am feeling without becoming the person who begs and pleads for someone to understand, to care- pick whatever thing you want to that one might do to prevent someone from walking away. I have a horrible fear of being abandoned... and I find for me anyway, the worse my situation, the more likely it happens. I believe I have a part to play in that and when a strong woman breaks... it takes a pretty strong man to weather. That fear can lead you to making really bad decisions. Including holding on the things that hurt you. Exile removes my ability to cling, to kneel for someone just cause it feel familiar and safe. I need that time.
The big thing to remember, is that some of the people you exile won't care and that is ok. This isn't about them. It is about you. When you want to reach, you can't- its a hard lesson to learn. In a D/s relationship for a sub it is horrific to think that a person you have poured into can just again, abandon you, but it happens. This isn't about them or anything done on either side of the dynamic. It is about you processing everything without people in your ears and filling you with things they think are helpful. My friends often get involved in my issues, and it is always a disaster. For most people your friends, though they are well meaning and trying to protect you, want to say horrible things. It can prolong the pain by constantly bringing up the person.. Let friends know you are going no contact and that includes discussions about that person. Most of the time they will be ok with this. Talk about how you are feeling, talk about a sense of betrayal what ever but you never have to bring up a name. In fact, I like to refer to them as "the person that shall not be named". It might seem silly but even removing their name can help. Distance- emotional and/or physical is your friend right now. Shut down your social media if you have to. Explain to your friends that this person cannot even have information about you for those 90 days. Right now, for me that's a hard one. There's a lot going on in the next 20-30 days. It is going to be hard not to reach for some people. Still the die is cast and it is important, that this is maintained.
I mentioned 90 days. I would love to say that is always enough time. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it is not. I have people exiled even now for years and years. I think my limit was 30 years and then I let them talk to me. It was still a disaster. They have retuned to exile. Truly, I am ok with that, maybe in 40 years it will be time to try again.. Some people can process a lot in just 90 days. Some people need a little time. Take what you need. Sometimes, you can't every go back. Be honest with yourself.
Write scathing letters that you don't send. Go to a rage room. I have put a picture in my boxing gloves so my wraps keep it in place. Its for me, no one else. I have done other silly but symbolic things- some of them are fun to talk about, but not here. Do these things in the time they are in exile. Do these things for you, processing you. You may not be able to change things.. and people don't often change for others. You have to be ok with the knowledge that just because you weren't enough for them, you can be enough for you. Because you weren't their cup of tea, maybe they wanted coffee... or monster or apple juice. Point is, 90 days JUST about You.
Besides calling it exile is just fun... reminds you that you are the king or queen of your story and it is your story. Put on that crown and send them to the an oubliette in your mind. Spiders and slimy things optional.
Good luck on your journey
Umberlee
