Blurbsburg - Writing it out for epiphanies sake

This is more of a ... posting of random thoughts.

I have a girlfriend. She's not into bdsm or anything too kinky. I'm... her dom for the most part.

It's killing a small part of me. I'm not ... I'm not a true dom. She takes what I give because I like to please. I need to please. I can make her feel good.

She doesn't really know how much of a sick puppy I really am. I've tried to explain. I've asked and she kinda tried. But she like me on top. She like to be the little spoon. She likes when I over power her. She likes to be held down. Tied up. She craves being filled with toys, fingers, and always me. It's nice ..

But nice isn't passion. I feel so hollow. Which is weird because I do love her. I'll do anything for her.

But... because there always is one.

She doesn't touch me much. I don't feel pursued, wanted, needed. She wants me when she wants me. And that's it. I just sit for months anticipating...

I get fingers shoved inside of me and vibrator.

So I asked to look for a mistress to satisfy this animalistic urge to be tamed. You have to want me to have me. You have to have some fire behind you. Tell me no. Deny me. Pull my pleasure from your finger tips. Make me work for it.

I feel like I'm being torn apart. I'm demonstrating all the behaviors I wish were being reflected on me. But it's not in my nature.

I sometimes wonder if this need will ever burn out. If I'm just feel the flames tearing my ass up. Getting hotter. I'm getting more desperate to become someone's prey.

I wish my soul was detachable. Lol I don't know how I keep it together anymore.

I'm on my knees in just my panties. Face pressed against your warm bare thigh. Arms wrapped around your legs desperately waiting for a manicured hand to stroke through my hair. Then to grab a fist full of my hair and shove my face into your covered heaven. To feel your push yourself into my face and hear you groan as you make me comply.

I'm tough but this is too much.

I'm feeling the call to kink. I use to be a sub when I was a different person.

Since then I've been the aggressor to avoid anything to intense.

I'm really not like what I show on the surface except horny. Confident, cocky, powerful, extroverted ... hell extra. I'd rather read, cuddle, be rubbed/pet, play, wrestle, be touched to the point of sexual torture denying my release or gratification till you have been satisfied just so ... you know vanilla stuff. 'Insert sarcasm'

I've learned how to get women I didn't think I could. I can make them let me suck the soul from their pussy. I can do a lot I am capable

BUT and there is always a but ... they never want me.

I have always wanted to be wanted.

I give how I want to be wanted. Maybe I'm coming in to hot. Too sexual. Too Intense.

So I've settled for nothing to intense. The intensity inside me is self aware. Its given me time to heal and grow, but she never left. Now she's demanding more than every that I lay her before her mistress in supplication of her desires to satisfy mine.

I'm struggling and poorly at that. I want to trust, to bond, to let go. Please ... I don't beg.. but I would