Through this entire experience of coming out here to go camping I have already caught myself cut I slept horribly and question multiple things that I haven't thought of in years I sit here now wondering what is so good about camping it's cold it's miserable but it has a lot of things that we can carry towards other topics.
Camping just like the idea of being yourself it takes time you need to find a new rhythm you need to adjust and it is so much it can become so overwhelming you just want to walk away from it all you just want to go home but you can't.
You made a commitment to the idea so stick through is and who knows what may come of it.
There's been some good moments but a lot of times where the feeling of being single surrounded by people who are having a great time carrying on just makes you feel empty.
This is new it's haunting the ideas of where I'd be sharing this with someone and making memories instead I feel out of place disjointed and wedged into a place where the feeling of longing is so much worse because I've had it for over a decade and I know what it is to feel both true lose of something once had and now this as well the hollow feeling of longing for something thats been lost.
I do hate my abuser some days for this desperate need/conditioning to where being alone was a threat and punishment so now I'm stuck everyday in a state of mind each day where I'm wrong like I did something to be punished and it eats at me even on the good days.
I'm holding hope some people are being my saving grace through support and other well hope is a different thing they give but the fire that burns in me when I speak with them alone is like a sole ember in the ash starting to catch the surroundings a warmth a comfort it's new but familiar you know who you are little birdy 😉.
In closing make choices that will help you grow even if they scare the hell out of you because when we stop trying we stop growing, when that happens everything stays the same good or bad.