The ramblings that I wrote

As I begin writing this I tell you all that today I'm going to be standing by some of what I preach.

This morning I woke up knowing that I was not ready for what I was about to do my parents want to go camping for three days and I haven't went on a trip of any kind since the separation and divorce.

I feel small and scared and as someone who's natural persona is boisterous and charismatic it's jarring and it makes me spiral through those old times where all I knew was these feelings.

When I was abused I felt so small I couldn't do anything and it became my norm. All do to a error of judgement on my part where I held hope of a memory. Now any time I plan on going out doing anything I worry I get scared do to the traumatic experiences in grown with over a decade.

I almost didn't go....

But here we are on the road.

So in short you need to break the ties to constraints and bindings put onto you by others that hold you back. You are more than your conditioning and you can be what you were with or without someone so pray with me let's be birds and fly far from this place of familiarity and torment into a world of bright blinding options.

You are not alone truly nobodys alone.

(Also a little "fire birdy" told me some people may have issues with the voice clips in the future any voice clips will be audio of a reading to the current blog posting to help with any person's of different ability needs)

Today's entire is just spoken audio on the topic of dualities please enjoy 

Today is going to be a little bit different it's a freestyle ramble where I am going to just be completely talking my mind and I don't even know how it's going to turn out the light is blinding it truly is and when you stand up that's.....

That's when you can really truly lose it all you're not broken you're not lost you're not cast away into nothing you're free a place from which you once felt so broken you couldn't even stand now you can stand to the light and the light is blinding it takes time to adjust. 

Sometimes it's days months or years every so often you're going to turn around and that lights can be blinding whether it bees or something where a memory hits you like a ton of bricks or you have to take the extra steps when you're moving on going through your things remembering the things that you lost seeing way is how toxic people will still deliberately attack you because you broke free even if it was by there doing. 

Don't look into the light. Take time. 

Everything good in life will always take time some is less some is more but you truly cannot push yourself if you feel uncomfortable you need to learn how to be yourself again even if you have been so lost for so long know you're standing know who you are know what you need become the person that you need to be and not what you want to be cuz we all want to be comfortable we all want to be in that place where we don't need to change anymore but that's sometimes we want and not we truly need. 

If I could tell you one thing as an individual who has been through a lot I have been through up's I've been through Downs 13 years is a long time it wasn't bad the whole time and I'm sure whatever you're going through it wasn't bad the whole time but if you think that you need to leave you need to escape don't hesitate. 

There is only one you and the more of yourself that you lose the more it takes to get it back I lost myself for a long time I'm stronger from it.

Don't be afraid to find your own strength tell your partner your needs communicate what you feel is going wrong don't give up on them but if they give up on themselves and they give up on everything and you become the only person who won't give up you need to communicate that to them and you need to tell them that they have a problem and you can't do it on your own they need to put in the work you can love someone as deeply as possible but when you are the only one trying anymore the only one cooking the only one cleaning the only one who makes sure that life keeps going on while they get to experience whatever they need it's not a partnership you become a caretaker you're an object in the eyes of your partner you deserve better than that I did too it's partnership it's not an ownership and in all partnerships there is a knowing what is and is not right know your dynamic make sure it's communicated with your partner so each person is happy do not fall victim to the concept of I will be whatever you need me to be that's just saying I'll just become whatever you want it shows that you've lost your individuality you need to know who you are take time ask yourself these three questions 

Am I okay with where I am? 

Is this where I want to be when I'm old? 

Can I find security and understanding in both actions and words in my partner? 

If even one of these things seems like it is going wrong it is a red flag and you need to reevaluate because of any of those things cannot be understood cannot be processed or felt like it is being met it shows that you as an individual are taking comfort in knowing that you are providing for them but they are not providing what you as an individual need as a very primal basic need if you can't feel secure if you can't feel like you want to be there when you're old and for the love of God if you do not feel okay where you are you need to reevaluate everything take steps and taking action to bring yourself to make sure that all of those are checked and you are in a place that is healthy. 

In closing this is going to be different my last two chapters were completely typed by hand I decided to use text to speech today so this is more of a deeper insight to the way that I prefer to communicate this is more along the lines of sitting down and having a conversation with who I am. 

You are not alone truly, no one is alone. 

People make mistakes, father's, mothers. 

Terrible mistakes. 

Witches can be good Giants can be nice just remember someone is on your side. 

Some people are not. 

There will always be a moment when you fall good or bad but how do you recover from it?

When you put your trust and dedication into a thought it's a powerful tool for both creation and destruction. It's not a choice we get to make through it all before hand how it's going to end up.

There's a thought that's will always cross you mind at one point or another and it's going to hit you like a stack of bricks. Ultimatums are something we all struggle with, it becomes a balance of will you won't you. To tip toe a line on something for comfort will make you fall in the end of you can't make a active choice for something it's time to work on that.

You know the things I mean the doubts that claw from behind the eyes deep into the very soul of a person you need to communicate not only with others but yourself as well in a healthy way.

Your nervous system it always trying to communicate needs with you just like a partner listen to it FFS.

In short learning what your emotions are telling you will help you a lot if you feel confused or unsure about stuff find the root of the cause together and fix it before it gets out of control and you lose yourself in the process.

Please remember nobody's truly alone reach out talk to people and don't be a stranger you always have one and if your saying you don't you do just ask everyone wants to do there best for some its for others but to the worst types they will only take,break and consume without remorse.

Be the change you need