The ramblings that I wrote

Navigating a brand new environment after such a long time is one of the most jarring and earth-shattering experiences that any individual can find themselves in. 

There's many different terms and forms of this feeling some call it sub drop some call it losing connection getting the ick there's ways where you know everything is crumbling around you you're trying to hold firm on stable ground but no matter how hard you try to sandbag the flood waters will come over it's going to happen unless you find a way to work together and heal the trauma. 

In those times where in doing so the best thing is for you to go on your own congratulations you've entered a brand new world everything changes in a moment it is the most jarring experience you will feel like you just fell out of a plane. 

Adapt to survive learn your strengths again find who you are as an individual as myself speaking from experience I went from courtship and old world romance to a world of dating apps and xenophobia where everyone feels like they're their own independent nation fighting for survival. 

This has been no short of landing on a foreign planet as someone who has never had to experience this because it was from a time where it was just beginning and at my age when I was young it was unnecessary for me to use at all now 31-year-old man walking into a world of dating apps and single life for the first time this has been one of the most exhausting mental processes and I'll tell you I have had to ask myself questions that I have never thought in my entire life would I be willing to accept would I be willing to compromise what is it that I need as an individual now. 

And I know a lot of people are in the same boat it's a rocky rocky choppy water but right now you got to keep on rolling you got to take each Rock in that boat you got to keep moving forward you got to find dry land you can't stay out there in the ocean forever or if you do it's going to beat you up it's going to eat you alive a person can only take so much do not drive yourself like it is a job to find your partner. 

Go with the current don't fight up the stream if you need to take a step back. step back find that level ground again and continue to move forward and grow as an individual you don't need to have someone with you to become better you can become the best you can be even if you are on your own.

Strength is not measured by the company that we hold around us but by the leave that we take in our own action strongest person you'll meet in the street is not one who was given everything who didn't fall or falter when times got hard the strongest person that you will meet is the one that doesn't tell their story because they don't want to share the grief the person he was seeing so much suffering and torment that they'd rather put a common idea into the world they don't want to share they don't want that to prolong and continue to exist they wanted to end and they want that idea to end with them so they don't share it they hold it and by holding on to these feelings of grief not only will it destroy yourself but it will keep you from growing. 

Yes you might be single but you were better than you were you don't need to hide anymore you don't need to walk on eggshells you don't need to feel like everyday could be the last moment that you were with someone you can be better with yourself. 

So in short to close here with us chapter of the blog there is only so many roads that you can walk but you need to be strong to even get to the first step It's a brave New world you might be battered and broken but you need to be the strength to hold yourself up so that you can become strong again love yourself don't ever stop.

Today is going to be a little bit different it's a freestyle ramble where I am going to just be completely talking my mind and I don't even know how it's going to turn out the light is blinding it truly is and when you stand up that's.....

That's when you can really truly lose it all you're not broken you're not lost you're not cast away into nothing you're free a place from which you once felt so broken you couldn't even stand now you can stand to the light and the light is blinding it takes time to adjust. 

Sometimes it's days months or years every so often you're going to turn around and that lights can be blinding whether it bees or something where a memory hits you like a ton of bricks or you have to take the extra steps when you're moving on going through your things remembering the things that you lost seeing way is how toxic people will still deliberately attack you because you broke free even if it was by there doing. 

Don't look into the light. Take time. 

Everything good in life will always take time some is less some is more but you truly cannot push yourself if you feel uncomfortable you need to learn how to be yourself again even if you have been so lost for so long know you're standing know who you are know what you need become the person that you need to be and not what you want to be cuz we all want to be comfortable we all want to be in that place where we don't need to change anymore but that's sometimes we want and not we truly need. 

If I could tell you one thing as an individual who has been through a lot I have been through up's I've been through Downs 13 years is a long time it wasn't bad the whole time and I'm sure whatever you're going through it wasn't bad the whole time but if you think that you need to leave you need to escape don't hesitate. 

There is only one you and the more of yourself that you lose the more it takes to get it back I lost myself for a long time I'm stronger from it.

Don't be afraid to find your own strength tell your partner your needs communicate what you feel is going wrong don't give up on them but if they give up on themselves and they give up on everything and you become the only person who won't give up you need to communicate that to them and you need to tell them that they have a problem and you can't do it on your own they need to put in the work you can love someone as deeply as possible but when you are the only one trying anymore the only one cooking the only one cleaning the only one who makes sure that life keeps going on while they get to experience whatever they need it's not a partnership you become a caretaker you're an object in the eyes of your partner you deserve better than that I did too it's partnership it's not an ownership and in all partnerships there is a knowing what is and is not right know your dynamic make sure it's communicated with your partner so each person is happy do not fall victim to the concept of I will be whatever you need me to be that's just saying I'll just become whatever you want it shows that you've lost your individuality you need to know who you are take time ask yourself these three questions 

Am I okay with where I am? 

Is this where I want to be when I'm old? 

Can I find security and understanding in both actions and words in my partner? 

If even one of these things seems like it is going wrong it is a red flag and you need to reevaluate because of any of those things cannot be understood cannot be processed or felt like it is being met it shows that you as an individual are taking comfort in knowing that you are providing for them but they are not providing what you as an individual need as a very primal basic need if you can't feel secure if you can't feel like you want to be there when you're old and for the love of God if you do not feel okay where you are you need to reevaluate everything take steps and taking action to bring yourself to make sure that all of those are checked and you are in a place that is healthy. 

In closing this is going to be different my last two chapters were completely typed by hand I decided to use text to speech today so this is more of a deeper insight to the way that I prefer to communicate this is more along the lines of sitting down and having a conversation with who I am. 

You are not alone truly, no one is alone. 

People make mistakes, father's, mothers. 

Terrible mistakes. 

Witches can be good Giants can be nice just remember someone is on your side. 

Some people are not. 

Where to begin well it's simple.

There's a cheaper way of saying this but I won't be the one to deny you the manners a old soul like I have been raised to do as such.

Not everything is going to be as you try to make it life will and is actively seeking to throw a wrench into your plans when the opportunity gives it a chance. Don't be the one to let it, Don't stay for comfort and convenience. But one for the love of yourself don't stay because you are afraid to be alone... Some lessons we learn the long way not the wrong way because all lesson's are not right and wrong even the hard painful moments have good lesson don't say you learn anything a wrong way it's all trail and error.

Now about errors.... Those are things we do make like myself I made a massive error after my ex six years into the relationship was asking me to sleep with other men and justified the idea do to the fact I had slept with one person before being with her and she had not been with anyone else. 

This was disheartening and soul shattering to hear but I'm justification I gritted my teeth worked through it and no it didn't happen but what did was years or tormented that could have been avoided if I listened to my gut and wasn't afraid of being alone. Ah see what I did there brought back the intro into the mix.

What I'm trying to say is stand up be strong communicate with eachother for Christ sake don't like something don't attack them say "hey I'm feeling a little bit upset with something that's been going on can we talk about it" all it takes be adults and know yourself and needs so you can grow together as a pair not a rivalry between House's your not God damn Romeo and Juliet your frank or Tony or Bill and Jean or Tena or whoever.

Team up work your shit out and if you can't don't fold in to there demands and lose yourself in the process like I did.

I have nothing I lost everything but hot damn do I got stories traumatic experiences and knowledge to deal with it also training and therapy to be who I am today so ya stick around don't I don't mind it's the words that are read by those who need them most that are important love, life and lose three big L's..... 

Nobody needs to do any of them alone.