For those that have ears to hear, Listen.
My opinion, having watched people struggle in this lifestyle for quite some time on both sides of the slash, is that people need to stop asking if the person they’re across the proverbial table from is a “real” Dom or Sub, and start asking if they are intrigued by them as a person. We are all showing up to this website, showing off our leather and our rope and our buttplugs. The very fact we’ve arrived here shows we all want this to some degree. The next question should be “Do I like and think well of this person?” Rather than “Are they able to do the thing I like?”
When we dream of a life and try to force or trick it into existence, be it a vanilla marriage, weekly anal orgies, 24/7 live in D/s, or whatever, there’s inevitable disappointment. We have a stencil that we’re trying to match to a portrait, and we don’t take the time to admire the painting for what it is. Choosing to be interested in power exchange is a lifestyle choice. Not a way to control the outcome of your intimacy. I promise that never works.
In the search for what we want it can seem like we shouldn’t ask for too much. That we shouldn’t crave every little bit of what we long for. But to me this is backwards. We’re withholding our deepest desires from the world, hoping that it’ll meet us halfway. We’re trying to control the universe by negotiating for part time custody of our longing. This just isn’t going to work though! Your desires are your gift. Your loneliness is what makes you a delectable treat and desirable partner! Yes, it needs cleaning from your childhood wounds and attachments, but the fact that you long deeply for something specific is what makes you a perfect match for your persons.
When you live the fullness of your loneliness and longing with joy and excitement you become irresistibly attractive. I mean, who sees a throbbing aching set of genitals of their choice and doesn’t want to engage with them? Who doesn’t want to dive into the heat of their partners desires and lick up every drop?
The key is that you can’t wait for the universe to do it for you. Don’t wait for your Dom to come along and wake up the sub in you. Be her now. Don’t wait for a slave to finally surrender her ass to you and validate your authority. Become the leader you feel in your heart. And yes, that means separating your fantasies of yourself from your real longings, and embodying your actual desires. But it’s worth it.
If we try to get life to do the work for us, the work of becoming ourselves, life will refuse us endlessly. If we become who we are meant to be inside and radiate our longing, life can’t help but be enthusiastic to match us, and help us go even deeper. Sex love and relationship isn’t about happiness, it’s about growth. Happiness is the byproduct.
