Well yesterday and today I've had 2 complete and total break down. I don't know how to handle them anymore. Before I could talk myself through and assure myself everything would be okay. But instead I'm not. I feel lost and confused and honestly... I feel worthless and useless. That I will never amount to anything more than I am.
I know it's not true. When I can step back and look at it I know it's not. And yet when these thoughts invade I can't stop them. Instead they eat away at me until I am questioning anything and everything. And its fucking hard. (Sorry for the langauge).
Talking to my mom has helped some. Since my ex-husband and I have decided to separate, it's the first time I've really been on my own. It didn't hit me how hard and exhausting this all would be alone. And yet here I am trying day in and day out to do best for my girls. I'm applying to every single job I can that will pay the bills. I'm trying to be the best damn mother i can be....
And yet I still feel like I'm useless, worthless, undeserving of all the help given to me. And it's literally eating me up inside.
Talking with Him today helped. A LOT. He got me smiling and laughing again. Something I haven't done since Saturday (technically 1am Sunday morning) which is shocking for me. It's just hard.
But I'll be okay. Because I have to be.
As always be kind.
Pandabear.
