So it has been brought to my attention that I haven't yet talked about my dynamic. That I have said a lot of stuff about what's going on in my regular day, but not what has been happening with me regarding my kink life.
So, I think that I should start at the beginning.
A few months ago I was talking with a couple of Dom's, they knew about each other. One day one of them decided that he wanted to take me under his wing. This wasn't what I was expecting, it wasn't what was expected by the third party involved and he very kindly made it easy for me and took a step back. I was very greatful that he did this. Things didn't last very long with the one that wanted to take me on. I let the one that had stepped back know that I was no longer under the other one. And I did what I'm good at, I shut down mentally. I played and had some fun, did some stupid stuff, but I never committed, I wasn't willing to be vulnerable again. I didn't want to let that part of myself out again... why when things were so much more fun when I couldn't get hurt? The Dom who was dealing with me at the time said that I wasn't ready. We both knew I wasn't. Admittedly it took me a couple weeks to fully accept that I wasn't going to get anywhere in the lifestyle if I wasn't willing to be vulnerable. "To get out of my own way" as he told me.
So, I hit reset. I had a very serious sit down in my head and told myself that I was being stupid and acting like the girls that just wanted the 50 shades life... was that really what I wanted? Or did I want to get the most out of the lifestyle?
I opened myself up. I met who I thought was the Dom for me. He was everything that I wanted from the kink stuff to the vanilla stuff. He made me feel special. He made me feel like I was the queen he kept telling me I was. I fell hard and fast. I opened myself, and I had a good time. Then he was supposed to come see me. Now, I should say that there were warning signs but I was so caught up in his web and so unwilling to realize that's where I was. I was deluding myself I know I was and I didn't want to see it. So when I showed up at the airport for the last flight of the evening, the one he was supposed to be on, he never stepped off the plane. I was there till 1 in the morning. I messaged him... nothing. I was devastated, but there had to be a reason he wasn't there. Maybe his missed the connecting flight? Maybe he got hurt at the airport? Maybe something happened! Radio silence for a week. I heard nothing.
Things didn't matter anymore. I was starting to spiral down a very dark and deep hole. I couldn't go there. I knew where it was going to lead. So once again I had to have that serious talk with myself. In this meeting I decided that I wasn't going to go to that dark place. It was a reflection of him and what he was like, not what this life has to offer me. I was going to go out and try to be better, do better and become better. I wasn't going to let his shittiness take me away from what I wanted. He wasn't going to wreck me for others.
I was scrolling on here one day and saw that the Dom that had been so amazing to me months before had things falling into place for him. He got a new job that he was excited for and he seemed happy. I was happy for him and I wanted to tell him. It took me a day to finally muster that courage. I didn't know if he ever wanted to talk to me again, or if he would even read my message.
He did. He responded. We talked a bit, and it was nice. It was comfortable again. He called me out on my shit like he had before, it was and is needed. I am my own worst enemy and I have let myself get in my own way.
But no more. I have committed. I will learn and I will become the best me that there is. why? Because I have an amazing Dom that is there for me. A leader, a teacher and a guardian. A Dom that will lead me to being the best that I can be. A Dom that will push me, that knew my schedule after months of not talking (This is actually a big thing for me. Ive talked to people for weeks and they couldn't remember what I had told them the night before or even that morning) I am now going to be trained, and I am working my way to getting everything that I could ever hope for from this dynamic and more.
It has been over a week and I already feel like I'm moving away from the person I was. That I am becoming more of who I want to be and it's all thanks to my Dom. My friend. My teacher. My protector. The person that has helped me in so many ways that I don't know how I will ever repay him but with my submission. My true submission.