BDSM 101: Tease & Denial
Curious about tease and denial? The word "tease" certainly brings up pleasant images - though the "denial" aspect might damper some of those arousing thoughts.
So what is Tease and Denial? Is it different from chastity? Why do people do it? And what are some beginner-friendly ways to give Tease and Denial a try for yourself?
What is Tease and Denial?
Like many kink terms, "Tease and Denial" is relatively self-explanatory.
It's when someone is teased - and then denied.
Sorry, I know: that's essentially rephrasing the same word.
But that's the thing about "Tease and Denial". It's such a broad, gigantic kink that even non-kinky people do it without necessarily calling it a kink!
If you meet an attractive person at the bar and enjoy lots of flirting and touching, with discussions of all of the hot sex the two of you could have, but then they leave you with their phone number, a wink, and a chaste kiss, that is Tease and Denial.
If your married partner lets you watch them masturbate on the bed, talking up how good it would feel to have intercourse with you, but then they giggle, orgasm, and curl up to fall asleep, that's Tease and Denial.
If your partner is out-the-door on their way to work, and they come into the bedroom, reach between your thighs for a few minutes to work you up, then head out the door, that's Tease and Denial.
If your partner pleasures you every evening with a hot make-out session, but never takes it further than that for an entire week, leaving you both panting, aroused messes each night, that's Tease and Denial.
If a girlfriend talks up how amazing intercourse would feel, but ends it with a handjob every time, that's Tease and Denial.
If something is teased - whether physically or through words - with a denial of that activity or further stimulation afterwards, that's Tease and Denial.
Tease and Denial can happen over a few hours, or it can be done over multiple days, weeks, or months. You can be "Teased and Denied" a specific activity while still engaging in other aspects of sex or kink.
It's important to note that "Tease and Denial" doesn't necessarily apply if the two people in question aren't comfortable doing anything further. Awkwardly making out on the first date before calling it a night doesn't necessarily imply a Tease and Denial kink. In general, Tease and Denial is done when further activities (and potentially, orgasms) are happily on the table - but the participants choose willingly not to engage in them.
In most cases, kinksters involved in Tease and Denial will have previously done the "Denied" activity together, making the "Tease" of denying the activity even more potent.
Why Do People Like Tease and Denial?
There can be a lot of fun in denying someone something they'd really like. When sex is involved with Tease and Denial, denial usually involves a high level of arousal, and it can lead to begging and primal, animalistic arousal responses. Some couples, especially, fall in love with the back-and-forth flirting and bratting that works well within Tease and Denial scenarios.
Tease and Denial also has the additional benefit of focusing your attention on the relationship itself. If you're regularly teased about an aspect of your kink or sex life, it will continually be on your mind.
There's also a level of power exchange involved in Tease and Denial. Someone has the power to deny something that you'd like to do. This level of denial can be hot for the people involved.
For the receiver of the denial, they can enjoy the consensual feeling of powerlessness with a sharp edge of arousal. For the deny-er, having someone lust after something you can provide can feel self-esteem boosting - and just plain hot!
Tease and Denial isn't just for couples, though. It can also be fun for solo play. Denying orgasms and kinks can make the resulting experience more powerful; your eventual orgasm or kink indulgence will feel even more stimulating.
(Some people who ejaculate also say that regular edging and denial can make the resulting ejaculation "load" larger!)
“Tease and Denial” works for everything in life: if you eat a cookie every day, that cookie will start to become commonplace. You might even forget you ate it one day! If you only eat a cookie every three weeks, though, that cookie is going to be a sweeter, special "treat" that you'll be indulging in.
Is Tease and Denial for Everyone?
Like many kinks, Tease and Denial isn't for everyone.
While denial can be fun for some, other people find denial frustrating - and not in the "fun" way.
Some people may find that denial makes them cranky or frustrated. Other people may find their bodies are sensitive to being left aroused, leading to physical pain.
People who have difficulty reaching orgasm may, especially, find Tease and Denial to be a poor fit. For someone who already struggles to orgasm, not pursuing that orgasm as they get close can be the difference between having an orgasm this month or not. That, very understandably, may not be a fun thought to toy with.
Tease and Denial should never be sprung on someone without prior discussion, and if you're hitting genuine frustration and push-back to the idea, it's time to stop and have a conversation about it. While some back-and-forth "whining" about the denial is expected, some people will genuinely not enjoy denial - and that's normal! Make sure you've negotiated Tease and Denial play with your partner before attempting it during sex.
How is "Tease and Denial" Different from "Chastity"?
When people say "chastity", most people imagine chastity devices. While this isn't technically correct (you can "do chastity" without a single piece of gear in sight! "Chaste" simply means "abstaining from sexual pleasure"), the term comes with the assumption that a physical device will be involved.
"Tease and Denial", however, doesn't have that assumption. While kinksters into Tease and Denial can definitely use chastity cages and belts, the term itself doesn't automatically bring up images of chastity devices.
To make a long story short, they're similar terms that follow the same basic premise, but some kinksters are more comfortable using "Tease and Denial" while others are more comfortable using "Chastity". This often depends on what kink gear (if any!) the kinkster is using to make their orgasm denial come to life.
What is "Edging"?
"Edging" may often be used as a part of a Tease and Denial arrangement.
"Edging" is the act of getting on the edge of orgasm - but then ceasing stimulation, allowing the person to calm back down a bit. Scientifically, the person will stay at the final stages of the Plateau in the sexual response cycle, never getting that little bit of final stimulation required to enjoy an orgasm.
This can be done in thousands of ways. You can use sex toys to make it happen, or you can use hands or mouths. Any way that can typically get someone to orgasm can be used for edging. That means it doesn't require any special equipment. It's free to simply jump right in!
Especially if "orgasm" is the thing being denied, edging is one of the more potent tools out there. The "edged" person will be left in a regular state of heightened arousal, craving that final release of orgasm.
There's no need to have a partner to enjoy edging. It can be done solo (and many people do!). Edging during masturbation can extend how long you can play, allowing you to really get absorbed in the material or the sensations.
There are functional uses for edging too. Some people in committed relationships might use edging, solo, as a way to amp up their sex drive for when they get together for date night.
While it's a tool that can be fantastic for Tease and Denial scenarios, it can simply be fun all on its own. Don't think you have to wait until you're trying Tease and Denial to give edging a try!
Beginner-Friendly Ways to Explore Tease and Denial
- Head out to a dance club or dance bar, and enjoy the sexual tension of grinding against one another as you dance. Lean in close, whispering some of the sexual things you'd love to do to one another, but stay at the bar, denying yourselves the pleasure of anything further. When you finally head home, you'll be amped up and ready to play!
- Too shy to talk sex in public? That's okay! Head out to your favorite restaurant with hands-free sex toys safely concealed in your underwear, and text your flirtacious sexting to your partner instead. Passer-bys will just think you're two people absorbed in your phones, but only you two will know the truth! You can do this one long-distance, too, with a partner in another locale while you sit at the restaurant.
- Explore the idea of week-long Tease and Denial. Day 1, you need to edge yourself once. Day 2, you need to edge yourself twice. Continue this until you hit Day 7 - when you're allowed a full orgasm!
- Use bondage to make an orgasm-focused Tease and Denial scene a bunch of fun. Tie up the denial receiver. The denial giver will then use anything at their disposal (hands, toys, etc.) to edge the bound person as long as you both would like. In the end, the orgasm will be explosive!
- If the denial partner is into long-term denial, simply "required" them to pleasure their partner, bringing their partner to orgasm, while the denied partner is given minimal stimulation for multiple days in a row.
- You can “deny” kinks too! Before your scene, set out the items required to perform the denied person's favorite kink. Talk up the kink, but continue to avoid doing the kink, denying them the pleasure of the kink itself. This can work with any kink (rope bondage, impact play, etc.). You can easily turn this into a mindfuck scene by simply finishing the scene without ever touching that kink.
- Head into public with an erotic story already pulled up on your phone. Now sit in public as you read the story, not allowing yourself any sexual stimulation as you get turned on.
- Tell the denied partner they won't be receiving any orgasms - but every day, dress up in clothing/lingerie that the denied person finds hot on you. Make sure to play up your clothing, parading around in it, sending selfies with it, and otherwise teasing them with your body without any sexual release attached to it.
One note of caution for beginners: especially with our busy lives, it can be easy to fall into the trap of relying too heavily on the "denial" of Tease and Denial. Tease and Denial requires both aspects to feel fun and flirty for both partners.
Sometimes, as our lives get busy, the "teasing" aspect of the kink may fall to the wayside, leaving simply the "denial".
In many cases, this is where the denied partner may start to get frustrated or resentful. After all, it can be fun when Tease and Denial is a whole flirty cycle that you both get to enjoy. When it turns into a simple "You don't get this" without any flirtation behind it, it can turn that original flirtation into aggravation.
As most of us live busy lives outside of our bedrooms, make sure to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you to ensure this doesn't happen. If the denied partner is starting to feel neglected, ensure they have the space to speak up. The partner doing the denying should ensure they're comfortable with this conversation (and any steps needed to rectify it) before trying Tease and Denial within their relationship.
Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles (http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World (http://kinky-world.net/).