BDSM 101: Mind Fucks

Have you heard the term "mind fuck"? While a less-common kink thank spanking, you'll still find discussions about it in BDSM groups. So let's talk about it!

What Are Mind Fucks?

A type of serious edgeplay, mind fucks are elaborate set-ups crafted to deceive the bottom/receiving partner. In most cases, these elaborate set-ups are chosen to elicit a specific emotion (arousal, fear, and confusion all being common ones!) from the receiving partner. 

Most commonly, the top/creator of the scene sets things up in a way that the submissive/receiving partner thinks something will (or won't!) happen - but the creator/top doesn't do the activity OR makes some behind-the scene changes to what the "expected" activity was. 

For example, if a dominant brandished a terrifying, spiky knife and made (erotic!) threats to cut the bottom with it, the bottom might assume they're going to get sliced up. Instead, when the submissive is finally blindfolded, the dominant switches to a butter knife before pressing the blade against the receiver's skin.

You can also see examples of “mindfucks” from mainstream movies. Our main character fucks up, and the main villain appears, threatening them with something terrible before disappearing into the abyss. 

Now, our main character spends most of the movie terrified, constantly looking over their shoulder, and wondering when the other shoe will drop. Our villain hasn't even touched or physically harmed our main character, but the sheer anticipation over what could happen is extremely effective. 

Add some consent, and that movie has the basic premise behind mind fucking!

Caution: Mind Fucks Are Dangerous

Let me put it bluntly: mind fucks are, literally, "fucking" with people's minds. That's the definition of the activity. Put it another way, when this is done without consent, it can be called "gaslighting".

You can see how they have serious potential to be dangerous. Not only can it destroy trust within a relationship, but it also can have serious impacts on self-esteem, confidence, and trust with the receiver's future partners. Being "tricked" is core to the kink itself, but being "tricked" can also be a minefield of potential danger! 

This is why it's vital to negotiate as much as possible and carefully select your partners for mind fuck play. This is not usually a kink that is done casually. For this to go off smoothly, the top needs to know the receiver well enough to know that the receiver will not likely be triggered, upset, or angry about the mind fuck that is going to happen. 

Negotiating a Mind Fuck Scene

There's a glaring issue with negotiating a mind fuck scene. If you disclose all of the components of your mind fuck, you actively destroy the mind fuck itself. You can't get full consent for the entire activity during a pre-scene negotiation... or else they'd know exactly what was going to happen to them, defeating the "mind fuck" part.

We can try to make up for this, as best as possible, in a few ways:

• Really know your partner. This is where familiarity and intimacy comes in. If you know your partner has a severe phobia of electricity, the low hum of a cattle prod is likely to be terror and safeword inducing instead of fearful in the fun way. You don't necessarily need negotiate this; you already know it's going to be a scene-ruiner and off the table for a mind fuck.

• Get consent well, well before your scene. Most of us can barely remember what we ate for dinner last week. You can use this to your advantage by getting consent for your mind fuck activities before the actual mind fuck happens. When negotiating a previous scene, throw in some negotiation questions about the mindfuck you'd like to do weeks later. They may not think anything of it, but you'll have an idea of whether they'd be comfortable with your activity. Keep in mind: consent is always variable, and it can change day-by-day. The thing someone said "yes" to 2 months ago may no longer be a "yes". However, when you need a general baseline for your mindfuck scene, this can be better than nothing. 

• Ensure you have a safe word. You can plan as thoroughly as you want, but as soon as the mind fuck happens, you have no idea how the receiver will react. That's just the nature of surprising someone with something. Because of this, ENSURE your receiver knows their safeword and feels comfortable using it. 

• Be ready for their safeword. It's one thing to have a safe word in play, but it's another for you, the giver, to react positively when the safe word is given. You probably put a lot of time, thought, and preparation into this scene, and it can be downright frustrating when it comes to an early end because your partner can't "see the full picture". However, YOU need to be prepared for that. Your very poor reaction to their safe word can have a lasting, traumatic impact, and you should do everything in your power to expect the scene to end with a safeword. That way, you can be supportive. 

• Avoid food, drinks, and topicals. People can have allergies they may not have disclosed. (After all, most of us wouldn't think that "I'm allergic to peanut butter" would be a necessary disclosure before talking about a spanking scene!) Prevent any accidental emergencies by avoiding any common allergens. 

• Understand their heart and anxiety. If you're going into mindfucking for fear purposes, you're really going to skyrocket their heart rate and anxiety. Make sure you know if they have any heart conditions. Discuss what to do if THEY , specifically, have a panic attack, and make sure you know panic attack 101 procedures. 

Mind fucking really is a kink where “Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink” applies. It's impossible to eliminate all of the risk with mindfucks. Instead, you have to do your best to lessen the likelihood of danger by heading into the activity with the understanding that it still may happen. 

Beginner-Friendly Mind Fuck Options

While mind fucking has the potential to be extremely dangerous, you don't have to take your mind fuck game to 11 to start. Instead, there are a few ways to "try" mind fucks that offer a lower risk potential. 

• Lay Out a Scary-Looking Toy: While setting up your BDSM scene, lay out a toy that looks particularly terrifying. This may be an impact toy, or it may be a dangerous-looking medical toy. Make sure your bottom has the chance to see all of your implements laid out. Let them wonder, the entire scene, when you plan on bringing out the scary item, and let them think that it's going to happen. Surprise! You simply never do. ;)

• Get Consent for a Mind Fuck. Use the "vague" negotiation of a mind fuck to your advantage, and explicitly talk about and get consent for a mind fuck during your pre-scene planning, but be vague about it. Something like "I'd like to surprise you in the middle of your scene with something new. Do you consent?” Once you have their consent, simply never surprise them. They'll spend the whole scene waiting. 

• Create Threatening Sounds: A blindfold can be one of your BFFs when it comes to mind fucks. With your submissive blindfolded, you can create a whole host of kinky, threatening sounds, and your submissive will have no idea what's coming next. Feel free to get creative. (This can be a great time to really put your whip cracking to good use!)

• Go Out in Public with a Remote Controlled Vibrator: Slide a remote control vibrator into the receiver, and make a big show out of connecting the remote and making sure it all works. Now, take them in public with lots of threats about when you'll "choose" to turn it on. This can be especially effective in quiet atmospheres where the vibrator's noise may be audible. Instead, the top simply carries around the remote, never turning on the vibrator, but the anticipation of what "could" happen will continue to build. (To prevent an accidental turn-on, pull the battery out of the remote control!)

Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles (http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World (http://kinky-world.net/).