Subfrenzy Explained: A Guide to Staying Safe and Centered

Let's say you have this hobby. This hobby is your favorite hobby of all time. If someone would let you quit your job, you'd spent all day just doing this hobby. Unfortunately, you've never found anyone who lives near you that's into this same hobby or wants to do it with you. 

Now, by stroke of luck, someone opens a gigantic store, community, and learning center for your hobby - right in the middle of your own city! It's over 5,000 square feet of space dedicated entirely to the thing you love doing most in the world.

You walk inside that building, and you freak out (in a good way!). You want everything. You want to do take every class. You want to talk to every other person there because you want to share your excitement for the thing you've loved thinking about for years. You even arrange a meet-up with a cool person there to do your hobby at their house on Tuesday. 

Now you're understanding the basics of subfrenzy.

What is Subfrenzy?

An informal term, "subfrenzy" describes the all-encompassing mental excitement that comes along with a new, potential chance to enjoy your kinks with another person. After looking for another person to do kink with, "subfrenzy" describes all of that anticipation and overwhelming, "can't think about anything else" mindset once the opportunity to enjoy your kink presents itself. 

If you're familiar with polyamory terms, it's essentially the "New Relationship Energy" of kink relationships. It's that same “high” that comes when you're really hitting it off with a brand new date.

As your brain rewards you with these ultra-intense feel-good feelings, you can be left in an altered headspace. In pursuit of your kink activities and to prevent your new partner from leaving you, you might agree to things you wouldn't otherwise be comfortable with. 

While "subfrenzy" is most-often talked about, dominants can get into a frenzied state too. However, since the dominant is, generally, considered "in charge" of the dynamic, this frenzied state may not be as obvious to a general observer. However, domfrenzy can also lead to poor decision making and undertaking kink activities before the participants have built up the necessary safety and trust they require. 

Why is Subfrenzy Bad?

Excitement over new activities is never a bad thing. Being happy and looking forward to doing things is one of the main points of being alive.

But subfrenzy is called "subfrenzy" because it's taken to an extreme. This "extreme" isn't necessarily your fault. But just like the damage to your wallet in the above example about your favorite hobby, becoming frenzied about something can lead to making poor decisions. You're caught up in the excitement of what's going on and what could happen.

It's very similar to that frenzied, excited glow you get when you first get into a promising relationship. Only, instead of standard relationship activities like dating and non-kinky sex, you're talking about negotiating riskier activities like bondage, impact play, humiliation, and subservience.

That is the crux of the reason that subfrenzy is generally considered a “bad” thing: while in this elated, altered state, you're negotiating and agreeing to activities that carry physical and emotional risk. You're so excited to try new things that you don't necessarily think to ask critical questions.

This can become even more dangerous if you've really, really been looking for a kinky partner for awhile now. If so, you might feel like you only have "one shot" to make this work with someone who's showing interest. You might be willing to make concessions or do things you wouldn't otherwise do because you're worried about the person choosing to end your dynamic if you say no.

"Ideally", when playing with a new partner, there are a few things you really want to do to make sure that you gently, and gradually, build the required trust and understanding to reduce some of the risk factors of BDSM:

• Start slowly with light, gentle kinks that are minimum risk and easy to escape.
• Ask a lot of probing questions. What is their experience with that activity? What BDSM experience do they have in the past?
• Research the kink activity for yourself. What's a red flag for that activity? What are signs that someone is proficient in doing it?
• If going into a power exchange relationship, how well do they keep their word? What standards do they set for themselves? If they're neurodiverse, how does that impact your dynamic, and is it an impact that the two of you can work together to ensure it's okay for you?
• If going into a longer-term dynamic, does this relationship show signs of a healthy relationship, or are you seeing red flags from someone who you're expected to trust with the safety of your mind and body?

You can see how a lot of these steps require a decent pause and vulnerable conversation. As a top myself, no top really "wants" to admit that they suck at a kink their bottom is excited to do, but those are the types of honest, vulnerable conversations that you need to have for the safety of everyone involved. From there, you both can learn together, or you can modify and change up the kink itself to move it into something that's more up the top's skillset.

If you need a final analogy to understand this, think about condom usage for casual sex with a stranger. Sex with a stranger carries a high risk of STIs - and the usual risk of pregnancy.

The condom is a simple, one-step addition that all of us know is the #1 safety rule for reducing risk of sex with a stranger.

Even though the condom is a simple, one-step addition that all of us know about, think about how many times people have unprotected sex with a stranger as they get caught up in the excitement and passion.

With kink, everything is much more complex. There isn't a simple, one-step thing you can do to reduce your risk. In fact, every kink activity has its own risk reduction strategies, and they're usually multi-factorial. It's so much more complicated.

This, of course, also assumes that you even know what these risk-reduction strategies are. If you're brand new to kink (which many in subfrenzy are), you're essentially blind in the process, and you're entirely dependent on this strange partner to tell you what is and isn't safe. You can see how that can get dangerous very quickly.

How to Prevent Subfrenzy

After everything you've read, you've probably already guessed it: you prevent subfrenzy by taking things slow, keeping your individual agency, and doing a bit of your own reading.

In particular, I'd recommend keeping these steps in mind when dealing with a new opportunity:

Know You Can Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries and limits is BDSM 101. If you end up with an inexperienced or dangerous top, though, they might tell you that telling them "no" isn't okay. I want to be very clear: that is a large red flag. You are able to say "no" at any time and for any reason. 

In things that matter, that "no" shouldn't come with any negative consequences either. For example, if you tell your top that you're unable to play next Thursday because you have to work, that "no" should not come with a top telling you that your Friday will now be filled with activities you hate to punish you.

Funishment (receiving a "punishment" you actually want, in a playful manner, because you said "no" to an inconsequential thing) is a real thing, but asserting your actual boundaries should never come with punishments that are assigned with malice or revenge.

Set Boundaries Within Activities: Now that you know you can set boundaries, use that to your advantage.

If your top says they want to do bondage, set bondaries on WHERE you're comfortable with that bondage. Are you okay with a bit of ankle bondage but the wrists are off-limits? Do you only want to use easily-escapable methods?

You are always able to set boundaries and limitations within in activity. Only do what you're comfortable with, and remember that this person is still a stranger to you while setting those boundaries.

Ask for Time to Think on It: Most of the dangers of subfrenzy come from making poor decisions in the spur of the moment. Instead, when your new top offers to do something that makes your heart soar, ask if you can think on it for a bit. Not only do you get some delicious sexual tension while you count down the days, but you also give yourself time to research and think about what you actually want and don't want within that activity.

Look Up the Activities: You have access to the biggest repository of easily accessible information in human history: the internet. While there is inaccurate information out there along with the good stuff, you have the ability to look up any activity you want.

While you take that time to think about an activity, look it up online. You'll probably do that for the sexy bits, but do it for the safety bits too. Add the word "safety" or search "how to do X safely" online to find resources. Read that information and think about how it applies to you.

You can also depend on your online resources like here on The Cage. The forum can be a great resource for crowdsourcing safety opinions and ideas. If something ever feels fishy from your top, asking an impartial person (like the kink groups here on The Cage!) can help you gain new perspective on what's going on.

Ask Your Top Questions: Now that you've looked up the activity and have a bit of info under your belt, ask your top some questions. Use the information you found to guide you in what questions you want to ask. Some basic premises that you might find useful, however, are:

• What experience do you have with this?
• What do I need to do to make sure this is as safe as possible?
• What are the risks of this activity?
• What potentially-dangerous things do I need to look out for and tell you about?
• What turns you on about this activity? (If you're not excited about the activity, this can be a great springboard for other activities you can both do that still hit this craving.)

Avoid Mouth Gags: Playing with gags can be hot AF, but it eliminates the ability to speak. That's a little bit of the point. ;)

But when you're playing with someone new, the ability to openly communicate and let someone know how you're feeling is vital. If you can't mention that your hands are falling asleep, your top doesn't know that information to readjust your position.

Some bad actors pretending to be safe tops will also intentionally use gags for this reason. They can claim you never said "no" if you can't actually speak.

Seek a Third Party Opinion: Finally, your "gut" is going to be your best line of defense against bad BDSM activities. If something doesn't "feel" right, it probably isn't. Abusive people may try to convince you that you're wrong and that the behavior that's giving you the heeby-jeebies is "totally normal if you knew anything about kink".

Provide a second line of defense against the bullshit by having an impartial third party that you can talk to about things. While most of us don't have openly-kinky friends to talk about, heading online to a site like The Cage (where you are right now!) can be a great alternative. Post your circumstances in the forum to get an impartial, third-person look at the situation.

In most cases, if you're worried enough to try to get a second opinion, your hunch is probably right - and the behavior is unacceptable.

But, as always, YOU are your best judge of what you do and don't want, and don't sell yourself short: respect those heeby-jeebies when they creep up. They're usually trying to help.

Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles ( http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/ ), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at https://kinky-world.net/ .

All THE CAGE Magazine articles, including this one, were written without the use of AI.