Opening Up to Polyamory

Stepping into the kink world comes with a whole lot of new experiences. You've probably never seen a room full of naked strangers or watched as someone you had no attraction to had an orgasm right in front of you. You've probably never intentionally looked at kitchenware with its durability for spanking someone in mind.

One of the biggest culture shocks, however, can be the community's comfort with ethical non-monogamy.

Outside of the kink and swinging world, monogamy is treated as the accepted "standard". In fact, until you hit the world of kink, you may have never considered the idea that monogamy wasn't the standard.

Once you start hanging out in kink communities, you'll find that more kinky people play with multiple people than the people who don't. "Play" is an important distinction here. As we'll touch on here, if you choose to explore ethical non-monogamy, there are different levels of connection you can explore. The default doesn't have to be (and isn't!) living on a commune and supporting your harem.

So, let's talk about it: how does non-monogamy intersect with kink, and how can you navigate it "safely"?

First, a Disclaimer

If someone tells you that you have to "share" any part of you or your partner's body, step back and run away.

Really.

There are absolutely no rules in the world of relationships. If you enter any community (house party, orgy, swinger's group, kink group, or otherwise), and anyone surprises you with the fact that you MUST share your or your partner's body in order to participate, you should leave.

(To be clear: there are some activities that require active participation to attend. These events will always note that in the event itself. It should NEVER come as a surprise - unless you didn't read the event.)

Non-monogamy is not required in the world of kink. You are not required to participate in group scenarios or take on multiple partners in order to enjoy BDSM. Anyone who says otherwise is either misguided or attempting to manipulate you - and probably because they want to play with you or your partner.

Non-monogamy, just like monogamy, is an option available to you. It is not a requirement. It's something you can choose to explore if you (and/or your partner) are interested in it.

It's also important to note that ethical non-monogamy does not require any specific level of connection in order to participate. All ethical non-monogamy requires is consent from all those involved and affected. (i.e. It's not cheating on a lover who has no idea.)

If all you want to do is hold hands with someone else, that's okay. Anyone who says "You MUST kiss your new partner or else it isn't real" is also projecting on you. You choose what level, and when you approach that level, with any relationship you choose to explore.

So, with that in mind, if you still want to explore the idea of intimately interacting with multiple people, let's talk about ways to reduce the drama.

Communicate with One Another

This article is going to assume that you're already in a committed relationship up with someone. You've probably always considered yourself monogamous before now.

While single people can be in ethically non-monogamous relationships, most of the complexity comes from the transition of committed monogamy. Today, we're going to assume that you and a partner are already partnered up and potentially looking to play with people outside of your twosome.

With that in mind, your first step is to communicate with one another. Everyone needs to be a "fuck yes!" about this proposition. I'm not going to lie to you: playing outside of your relationship is going to cause some drama, jealousy, and instability in your relationship. It's going to require talking about your relationship, learning to handle complicated emotions you've probably never needed to, and may involve compromising in ways you never thought about compromising.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just a reality of adding more potential points of jealousy into a relationship: if you've always considered yourself a twosome, seeing someone else "touch your property" is going to bring up feelings you have never felt.

With that in mind, both of you need to be on the same page. You both need to want to do this, and you both need to see the upsides and benefits of what you're doing. If someone is being tugged along on a reluctant leash, handling the negative things that pop up is going to be difficult. There will be resentment, and it generally doesn't end well.

If both partners aren't 100% in, this is something you should table for a future discussion.

Understand "Couple's Privilege"

Ethical non-monogamy is a complicated, complex beast. 500-page books have been written on it. I'm attempting to dispel it into a short guidebook, but understand that these ideas are large, expansive, and have a lot more detail than I can go into while keeping it friendly to read over lunch.

It's hard to explain this in its entirety while being brief, but it's important to touch on the idea of "couple's privilege".

This is the idea that any person you both interact with, outside of your twosome, will primarily be operating at a disadvantaged position between the two of you. Especially when newer couples decide to explore ethical non-monogamy, they tend to prioritize the safety and security of the committed twosome. If the "new" partners start to feel like a threat to the original twosome, those newly-added partners may be ghosted, broken up with, or left out to prioritize the twosome's safety.

While there's a lot more to learn about this, try to keep your couple's privilege keep in mind while playing with anyone outside of your twosome. Try to see things from the new addition's point-of-view. When possible, invite this new partner into any discussions that include outcomes that involve them.

In kink spaces, couple's privilege might look like "Well, my Daddy says I can't...." when the new partner asks to do something, or this might look like "Sorry, I can't go to Friday's party with you as I need to leave it open in case my wife wants to do something.”

Prioritizing your twosome isn't necessarily an issue, but when discussing and interacting with a new person, try to keep your privilege in mind. Not only will this make you a more attractive pairing to "play" with, but it's also vital in respecting your new partner's feelings too.

Set Expectations

Before you play with a new person, you both need to talk alone, though. As a couple, the two of you need to decide where your line is. What is (and isn't) okay when interacting with someone outside of your twosome?

We call these "expectations" and not "rules" or "boundaries" because these are the behavioral standards you both have agreed to hold yourselves to. Setting "rules" implies setting restrictions you set on another person, and "boundaries" are things that you, yourself, are not willing to do. Instead, we're coming together to set these expectations, together, about how each of us will act with anyone outside of the twosome.

These expectations can be as complicated (or as simple) as you two would like. This can be location-focused, seasonally-focused, or anything else the two of you want.

I know, I know, that's vague. Let's take a look at some examples couples might use:

• Both partners "play" together, and only at play parties. Both partners must agree to a single person before approaching the person. Neither want to play with other couples or play outside of the club. All ethically non-monogamous activity stays inside of a club.
• Both partners "play" together both at and outside of play parties. However, it's only with kink activities, and anything that involves bodily fluid exchange or sexual touching makes them uncomfortable.
• Worried about strangers, both partners agree that either can play with anyone they both consider a friend. This is only for kink activities, though, and both are uncomfortable with anything involving sexual touch or orgasms.
• Fall is busy season for Partner A at work. Only from July through October, Partner B may go on casual sex dates, but Partner A requests not to hear any details besides basic safety info.
• Either partner may experience “casual”/playful/fun kink scenes with people outside of the marriage, but any scenes designed to be intimate, elicit intense feelings, or be emotionally cathartic are discouraged. Bottoming to a bestie while you both talk about your week would be fine while an intense degradation scene that ends in tears would be undesired.
• Either partner is encouraged to flirt, scene, sext, and play with anyone else online, but any in-person interactions would be upsetting.

Remember: this is something you both agree to. It does not have to be equal, though. If you both value different things, the expectations on both you may not be the same as long as everyone agrees to the expectations.

Examples of this might be:

• Partner A can explore oral sex with anyone at a play party, but kissing with anyone else is frowned upon. Partner B can kiss anyone both inside or outside of the play party, but Partner A should be notified if there's any intention/expectation for kissing to occur. If Partner B ends up kissing someone spur of the moment, it is not a problem.
• Partner A often has Friday play party nights free, and Partner B enjoys how sexually charged Partner A comes back for the weekend after attending play parties. Both agree Partner A can play, kinky and non-kinky, with people at the parties on Friday nights, but orgasms are discouraged. Partner A makes sure to disclose this orgasm restriction to anyone new they want to play with on play party nights. Partner B does not have the same agreement to go out solo.

I want to caution this with a big red flag: relationships, intimacy, sex, and kink are complicated. It is very, very likely that someone is going to (or will desire to go to) past where you've set your expectations. Having an open discussion about what you both will do as a couple ahead of time (instead of assuming it will never happen) can really be helpful.

To help figure out where both of your expectations should lie, I'd recommend discussing these questions:

• What about this ethical non-monogamy feels hot to me? What activities make it sound like the best thing since sliced bread? These are activities you may want to prioritize.
• What activities about ethical non-monogamy are just kinda “meh” for me? These are activities that don't do much for you either way when done with someone new, and they may be things that you're happy to not do with others.
• What activities or things do I know will bring up feelings of jealousy?
• When I think about doing something with someone outside of our twosome, how do I imagine interacting with my current partner about it? Do we pick the new person together? Do we talk about it ahead of time? Do I want to know about it at all?

• Do we want to plan for rituals or activities that we only do as a twosome after exploring outside our twosome? These can help reassure security in the twosome afterwards.

Leave the Power Exchange Dynamic at the Door

If you've been kinky for a bit, you might have negotiated a dominant and submissive dynamic between the two of you.

Doing ethical non-monogamy while staying in those roles can be challenging, but it can be done.

When you're new, though, the most important thing is to leave those power exchange roles at the door when dealing with conflicts from outside the relationship.

"I'm the Dom, and I say you can't see her anymore because you're spending too much time with her!" is a very easy trap to fall into. When you simply have the power to say "no" to whatever is bringing up negative feelings, it's really tempting to simply "use" it. You may not be doing it with malice in mind. We all just want negative, uncomfortable feelings to stop as quickly as possible, and we'll talk ourselves into methods to make that happen.

Using your dynamic's power can lead to a lot of resentment from the submissive partner, as they have no recourse when they feel negative feelings. They simply have to process them.

If the idea of using power exchange within a dynamic outside of your twosome sounds hot, though, this can be a thin line to walk. Who doesn't want two or three hot people at their beck and call at any time? If that's the vibe you're going for, simply include all of the people involved in the scene for the initial negotiation and discussions. This gives everyone agency, and it can reduce using an established power exchange dynamic in a negative way.

Explore More Resources

Going beyond "monogamy" can be an overwhelming, confusing, and ultimately rewarding, experience. This is simply the lightest guide I can make, barely touching on things to help you as you explore.

If you want to go deeper (and I highly recommend you should, as more information and thought points can reduce problems later on!), I'd really recommend the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. It's a primer on ethical non-monogamy specifically written for couples who are looking to open up an already-established twosome.

Mistress Kay lives in the world of sexuality and kink. With a house that's quickly running out of space for things that aren't sex books and sex toys, she spends what free time she has writing femdom help articles ( http://kinky-world.net/category/bdsm-advice/femdom-advice/ ), trying the latest and greatest in sex toys, and exploring the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at https://kinky-world.net/ .

All THE CAGE Magazine articles, including this one, were written without the use of AI.