subs don't need "training", Doms do.

subs don't need "training", Doms do.

Kalina • May 19, 2017

Subs Don't Need "Training" but Doms Do

A few years ago, I was dating a submissive girl who lived at the other end of the state. She was delightful and adorable and apparently really kinky, but our early visits were rocky; she would express ambivalence and occasional antipathy towards me. Despite this, we kept trying to find a groove over the course of eighteen months. Along the way, she expressed an interest in "slave training"—a topic she'd encountered on BDSM forums, and discussed with other subs. I had not given any sort of training to my previous partners; I tend to develop a romance organically, and teach my partner things, about me or about herself, as needed.

Seeing a training project as an avenue to bring us closer together, I proposed that she visit me for a long weekend of specific lessons. I made a list of kink activities to introduce, a lesson plan for each, and a schedule for each day. Over four days, there would be three 90-minute sessions per day, with breaks in between. Topics included behavior basics, emotions management, kissing, oral service, bondage, pain, protocol, and submissive mindset. I even drafted an agreement for us to sign together, defining the framework of the weekend.

The four days of instruction went well, in fact better than any of our previous meetings. She struggled with a few of the lessons, but didn't become grumpy or withdrawn, a pleasant surprise. The final lesson concluded with the two of us in a calm, connected place. But the exercise did not dispel the greater issues between us; they soon resurfaced. I suspect she had wanted an experience that would suddenly demolish her internal barriers to feeling safe and connected to a lover; that would train her to be... herself. My training schedule was not nearly as intense as it could have been, but in retrospect I don't believe that any dom-imposed training regime could have accomplished what she sought. 

In my opinion, all the talk in BDSM circles about "training a submissive" is wrong-headed. No standard training regime is required to be a good submissive partner. (Though many subs I've met could stand a course in how to select a worthy dom! See How to Interview a Dom/Master.) In reality, it is we doms who require the training, and not simply on how to wave a whip safely. 

Doms need training, or knowledge and practice, because we assume the authority in the relationship. The ability to retain and wield authority responsibly, and consistently over time, is not innate—there are no "natural dominants". One must acquire and hone these skills, and doing so can take years. Even accurately perceiving your own words and tone as you speak can be challenging, as is choosing an effective mix of substance and style to convey a specific demand.

Although one can find workshops presented by dominant men or women describing their own experiences with D/s, there are no accredited schools for dominant lovers. Most doms therefore educate themselves, hopefully with some mentoring by other wise doms. But for most of us, we are trained by trial and error within our relationships, causing our subs and ourselves suffering when we err.

For subs, the only skills which all must master are emotional and interpersonal best practices, like clear communication, sound boundaries, managing emotions, awareness of triggers, focus in the present—which aren't specific to kinky relationships. Subs who tend to have a strong psychological subspace response should also learn to handle that (see Two Kinds of Subspace). Whatever other abilities that a particular dom desires his love to obtain can be taught at the appropriate moment as their romance unfolds.

And doms do indeed teach their subs many things, especially how to recognize and fulfill their needs & desires, and also life skills beneficial to their partners. Different doms naturally teach different lessons. But to be an effective teacher, a dom must first learn his sub; her strengths and weaknesses, how she absorbs and embraces new ideas or behaviors. Next, he must adapt his ways of instructing and guiding to her. Teaching is a lot easier if you understand how the pupil thinks and learns!

Having a mentor is the closest that most doms and subs get to actual training. The most productive mentoring relationships are dom-to-dom and sub-to-sub, although the other combinations can also work. Mentoring is largely conversational; it happens over coffee, on the phone, via the Internet. While mentoring may occur within a romance, a relationship formed for the purpose of mentoring should not become sexual, as that creates a conflict of interest for the mentor. A mentor's goal must be the growth and success of his protégé.

Some couples like to use "training" as a kinky label for getting-to-know-you activities or early BDSM sessions. These really aren't training per se, but language is a useful romantic lever, so why not "train her" if that feels hot. In the opening stages of a D/s relationship, both partners are best served by simply learning each other. Fitting any two people together, in kinky relationships as much as vanilla ones, is like doing a jigsaw puzzle; it takes time and some trial and error. A dom may need to accommodate a new sub somewhat to win her trust. Over time, she will of course accommodate him extensively as their trust deepens.

A period of immersion in D/s roles—around the clock for a weekend, a week, or even a month—may be hot and bonding for some couples. (For a case study, see Crossing the Line.) However this is not a getting-to-know-you exercise! Only couples with established mutual trust should attempt to dive in such waters.

Some would-be doms like to talk about "breaking a submissive" as a desired outcome of "training". Sadly for them, people are not horses. You cannot expect to magically level your lover's limits by putting her under sustained pressure. For many kinky couples, the practice of BDSM is indeed about finding and transcending boundaries, over time. Someone facing a boundary to be crossed must decide to do so; forcing them across is almost always damaging, to the individual and the pair.

I've heard of doms who offer general "training" for inexperienced subs. They are, from what I could tell, either players looking for easy kink, or polyamorous people seeking short-term relationships with kink newbies. The fact that a dom offering such a "service" fervently believes that it's for the benefit of the sub doesn't make it so. There's nothing inherently wrong with kinky hookups or short-term relationships, but misleading a new sub about the value of the experience is unfair, and all too common.

So my advice to subs is: "Don't seek BDSM training; work on your emotional and interpersonal skills, and seek a capable, sincere dom." And my advice to doms is: "Definitely seek education and mentoring; what you wish to achieve is hard!" A dom's responsibilities—wielding authority wisely, and teaching and guiding his partner—are not easy, and not inborn. Learning these skills takes focus and practice, and wisdom from those with some mastery of them. Becoming that to which you aspire is a long and often arduous

Rod​(dom male) • May 20, 2017

Wonderful post, well said!
I would agree with pretty much everything you've written but I do have a couple of comments.
I see the Dom/sub orientation much like gay/straight, that is its something internal already there. You can't make someone submissive, they either are or they aren't and it's the same with being a Dom(me) you either want to dominate or you don't. And that is where this concept of training begins, you may want to dominate but you don't have the inbuilt skills to do it, the instinct is there but not the methods.
So from that angle it is, as you say, much more important that Dom(me)s receive training than subs insofar as the dynamic is for the most part "act - react", being that in general Dom(me)s act and then the sub reacts.
I was very lucky that early in my bdsm journey I happened upon a very experienced sub who had no trouble instructing me in the practice of being a Dom. She accelerated my learning and encouraged me to seek advice from others wherever I could.

I would also agree that very often this "sub training" idea is simply a way for a lot of muppet Doms to catch unaware newbie subs and get some quick thrills. Unfortunately because on the outside it sounds semi-plausible a lot do indeed get taken in and even more unfortunately it can ruin their entry into bdsm often for good.

subs dont need "training," Doms do

Kalina • May 20, 2017

Rod, I agree with you're statement, enjoyed what you shared. My outside experience is one of interest. I served in a duality career in the military where a person serves corrolating in different roles. Think about this....I was a leader and a subordinate, serving and had to be served. Also a female among mostly men. I also trained men to go to combat yet also a warrior. Known to be lethal yet extremely feminine. I did not have a desk job, but combat support and surrounded with combat arms and expected to serve those situations fully. I'm also Airborne and in my role often seen in full battle rattle yet raised in a life of ballet, fine music and gentler things in l8fe as my foundation. Then again can fight like a Spartan at 110 pounds. I've had the largest of men tey to take me down and I refuse to submit because of their issues. Then the others can ask me for the hardest mission and not a single word and they have a mission complete. I'm a sub completely, but forced to be a dom in a world to survive

Rod​(dom male) • May 20, 2017

Ok I get what you're saying there, but I see military structure as an imposed order as is much of our society.
For instance we have police that enforce laws and we have to obey or risk fine or imprisonment, that is forced compliance. I do not respect police, I do not follow what they say because I believe everything they instruct is right I do it to stay out of gaol.

This concept of trusting a leader is hard wired deep in the instinctive part of the brain, but if that trust isn't earned, isn't demonstrated if instead it is forced on you then it seeds dissent and mistrust. Look at modern politics, part of the reason it is so destructive and divisive is that in most countries almost half the population have a leader they didn't vote for.
And of course its not just politics, who hasn't had a boss they resent at some point because you know you could do a better job than them? Business management structure is just another forced structure where rank does not always reflect the respect it demands.

For me a good D/s relationship is very different, the Dom(me) earns respect over time by demonstrating their temperament, judgment and skills. The sub then trusts the Dom(me) and will submit to their control willingly, they want to please their Dom(me) above all else, disappointing them becomes the ultimate punishment.

Villanelle​(staff) • May 20, 2017

Wow what a thoughtful post! Thank you for sharing your opinions with us and to everyone who has responded. I'll respond with my thoughts on the topic later.

Theo Seymo​(dom male) • May 22, 2017

I think your forgetting three things, both dominant, and submissives are one, people, two, imperfect, and three, capable of making mistakes, so even if your mentored, there's some things that cant be taught by even a Master. Some things must be learned firsthand, and some problems are so far gone that unless your good at helping with mental issues, no sense of discipline will do a thing to clear up their problems. Also the mental ramifications of abuse aren't like a common sickness you can diagnose, and throw medicine, and pills at to destroy it. It doesn't get fixed overnight, it takes time for anything to be better, it depends on how big the problem is, and mental abuse is no small problem. Another thing you must realize about the world you reside in, not all of us doms, and masters are bad eggs, just those few that make us look bad should be the targets. The ones who don't take this seriously, and see it as a game to take advantage of. They are the scum of this lifestyle. The abusers, players, and seekers of easy pleasure, all they need is to say their a dom or master, and a sub will bend over to them, they are fake, and not real. One sided relationships are not part of our world, and even in the vanilla world, relationships are still not fair, but here, we have bigger standards to follow because there's more pain, hurt, and anguish that can come from doing relationships this way. Training is for everyone involved because no one is without faults, your mistakes can be just as much a learning experience as your success, you cant learn new things if you cannot fail. A sub can control a Master as can a Master control a sub, it just depends on the leverage they can use. In my relationships with my subs, there is an equality outside our private space, and equality when we speak to each other intelligently. I maybe the Master of her, but that doesn't mean she cant have a voice if I am doing something wrong. Dominants, and Masters must be able to Master themselves before they should do it to anyone else. To both benefit, and improve one another through D/S relationship is far less complex than a vanilla relationship sometimes. Their submissive because they like it, not because its all they are, so treating them like a normal person is still necessary. Their still people, and should be treated as such, with respect, and dignity. The times you make her your sub is between D/S discretions.

Kalina • May 22, 2017

Theo Seymour

Very well said and truly agree with you. I did not write the article but found it though provoking. I had hoped to have a variety of positive feedback so that others can see the variety of expressions, not opinions on the many things this writing will bring to mind. I greatly enjoyed your response. Again, thank you. Such a benefit in your writing snd thoughts.

Thor Anastasia • Aug 29, 2017

Hi,

Maybe I'm all wrong on that (probably I am), but in the end much of what we do in kink is acting out our phant'sies.

If all we wanted was to inflict pain or have someone crawling at our feet, perhaps joining the Tonton Macoute, working as Merc in some of the more uncivil wars going or working for the secret police in any number of countries should deliver better and if all subs wanted was to be brutalised they could travel to any number of places where speaking up politically or engaging in fairly minor infractions can get you into ever so much trouble.

Instead what we want, is live out, risk aware and responsibly, our phantasies with a Sub who gets exactly what she/he needs from us so we all get that rush that "vanilla" rarely if ever delivers. In this case - as always - the responsibility for safety lies with the party who is in charge.

If you go bungee jumping you sign away your life if something goes wrong. The person in charge must be competent to make sure that the result is a thrill ride that ends in a catharsis, not a wheelchair or a coffin. Some of the more extreme plays in BDSM are as dangerous.

So if you choose to take your sub past what is vanilla, safe and conventional, you accept the responsibility for their safety and indeed for their development as person, in the lifestyle. So the least to be expected that you know enough about human anatomy and psychology to avoid doing unintentional harm and enough about yourself to not intentionally do something they are not ready for, do not want or which may put them at risk. And how can you expect discipline if you yourself have non?

If you are not ready for that, if you lack knowledge, then you need training as a Dom, or perhaps better start out as Sub first, if only for experience.

Past that when we say "Sub Training" it is not like forcing an animal to perform, inflicting whatever pain needed to gain compliance, it is an agreed scenario which will push the Sub to their limits, make them explore what they are truly capable of and which has clear limits and safewords. So in this case "training" is actually a mental device that can allow a sub to overcome barriers, to tell her/him-self "I must comply, I'm being trained", yet knowing that any time they wish, they can get it to stop.

For me personal, I totally adore the rope suspension bondage some Dom's do well and safely. But I do not know how to do it safely - so if I come across a Sub who wants this and I want to practice, well, then I'm down for some serious lessons too.

Greez S.S.A.L.

Robert Rocha • Aug 30, 2017

Thanks for the post. I am totally new to this. Definitely looking for a mentor although my sub is helping me out.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Sep 3, 2017

Whats the most important situation in our world is safety!
A Dom need to read, study, watch about it first, forget about why he want to be a Dom. Then he could start looking for a sub, or be trusted by a sub.
I have done my search, I couldnt start as a sub, its not my character. But when I had my first bdsm session, I was confident and my partner never noticed it was my first one. I didnt start with the hard stuff, light bondage for example, spanking using only your hands to assess the impact....
Its all about respect and trust. If you start by pretenting you know what you are doing, you lie to yourself and your sub, something she/he will never forget you.