Limits

Limits

Novice​(masochist male) • May 30, 2017

The standard question in an online relation, quite at the start is, “what are your limits?” I never gave it much thought, just answered the question in an attempt to be in close contact with the Domme asking. I will not ponder on the reason why such a question is asked. Since in my experience it is just an interlude to move on as quick as possible, And normally not in the direction of any kind of relation, but to the world of demands and tributes. Now I am doing it again, did you spot any emotion in my answer? I surely hope not, since I am genuinely interested in answering the question of limits. What does it mean?

First defining limits seems to be a starting point, the ultimate “get to know you” before plunging in the depth of a relation. Wait a minute? How much messages did I exchange with this person? Certainly no more than 5. So, why this suggestion of intimacy? It is like meeting someone on a date, and after saying hello, nice weather, you look good asking do you like oral sex? That sounds quite weird to me, is that normal for a Ds relation? Why is there no interest in the person itself, just for the words, like sadist, control, slave, limits. These are all hollow phrases, without any meaning. All diversions from the things that really matter. We are attracted by words, by images. But also get soon bored. So we add more words, and one of them is the magic word limit.

Now, let us assume you are in a relation, and are exploring this. The action of the D, and the response of the s. Then it is important to know how far to go. Is it? Do you need to be told? Can’t the responses tell you? Sure, there are situations where the playing gets excited, or when the s is bound, cannot move so not respond, or not even speak, being gagged. But even then? The D isn’t the hangman, going for it whatever it takes.

Maybe I am ridiculing this, but the more I think of this Question, the more it just doesn’t make sense to me. The more it is proof for me that the D in question isn’t actually watching over his s, but simply acts along the lines of a written script. And that idea horrifies me. But it doesn’t surprise me, being a naïve online subject over the last few years I have interacted with many so-called Doms, and now I start to understand why such a relation never moved beyond a certain point, a very early point. Of course I love to be abused, humiliated, that is what makes my clock tick. But when that is the only trick at hand it becomes boring, predictable. Many male s are being accused of just looking for a turn on, an excuse to jerk-off. But given the response from the “what is your limit Domme” we can hardly blame them. Both are caught in the same situation, the same boring lack of real interest. I simply ask, where is the passion?

SanE​(sub male) • May 31, 2017

The questions of limits has its place. Even as a submissive, I would like to know how aware a potential partner is of what they are comfortable with. When the question does come up, I don't give a list per se, but take it as an opportunity to present myself and to get a sense of the person, their philosophy and how well we interact.

While the question of limits can be useful to get a grasp on the compatibility I might have in the kink department with a potential partner, I tend to put more weight on the individual, and the chemistry between us.

Enfield​(other female) • Jul 19, 2017

I think this is an interesting discussion, I agree that knowing limits is important, but I'd does seem to come up very early in the conversation. 'What are you into/what are your limits?' It does feel a bit like speed dating, just trying to get what you want quickly. As someone who is just here to talk I don't generally feel like these questions are being asked in a sincere gesture to have a good base for conversation but more if I will be a sutible plaything.

Bunnie • Jul 20, 2017

I completely agree with you SanE. For myself, yes I do have limits, but with someone that I trust (and I mean truly trust, not someone I've chatted online with for a week), I'm willing to explore and at least discuss all avenues. As I said to someone recently, how do you know if you like chocolate or not unless you try it?

Rod​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2017

My feeling it is better to approach things from a more positive standpoint.
Starting out asking what you have in common is far more productive and avoids that awkward aspect of a sub effectively saying "no" to things right from the get go.
Most likely you will find lots you both enjoy and early interactions can revolve around those.
As mentioned by the other posters, then as things develop you will naturally explore other things, trust has been built "limits" can be explored with no preconceived bias.
There are some exceptions I have come across, aside from the obvious ones most sane people would object to (kids, mutilation/amputation, etc) , I have for instance found a couple of girls who absolutely hate anal. No if's, no buts, nothing is going in their ass and they made that very plain from day dot. My feeling here is that that if they feel that strongly I'm not going to push it just for the sake of making a point or being a "Strong Dom". We had plenty more things to explore so drop it and move on, if its a deal breaker then so be it. Better to not get involved than constantly be pushing a kink that the other will never consent to anyway.

MySecretWorld​(switch male) • Jul 20, 2017

Ive never asked someone what their limits are yet, nor have i suggested my own.

Thats part of the fun, is the finding out.

Even my wife doesnt really know what my limits are but then, we avent really incorporated BDSM into our relationship (ive developed more of an interest for it in recent years so we havebt really had "that" conversation)

Re: Limits

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 23, 2017

Yes and no. this is something of a tricky subject in and of itself. What I do is state THEORETICAL situations. And challenge a dom with them. I don't state just what my limits are, I state where my passion is. The last one I got to know what very good with this. In understanding that something can "seem" bad yet is not when applied to "X person here". I of course am one of X people. There is however other X people. I point out where the meaning of the action lies. Where the passion can be. Not necessarily to them but in general. And if it such passion is absent and there are fears or concerns I ask why. Why would it make you uncomfortable? There's always a reason. Does it have to be the same way with us as it has been with others?

Now as for the rest of the topic I can see where you concerns lie. "My needs, my limits, me, me, me." A lot of people will avoid you just because you're not what they want. Before even getting to know your personality and seeing if they care enough about you to consider the fact that perhaps their limits aren't so limited after all. That they might even become wants and desires. No one ever starts off caring enough for that to happen. these things happen after getting to know each other. To care enough to look after anothers needs. Minds and desires can change. Mine has. Others have. Anyone that doesn't even consider how things affect me I move on from. If there's a discussion about something and X subject here is still a limit then fair enough. Maybe in time it won't be. Just don't compare your experiences with others to me.

I recall asking an owner why she stuck a knife in me. Her answer was a simple one. "Because it makes you happy". Before we talked about the masochist stuff she naturally had concerns in the area. It might have been a "limit". After the conversation this was not the case.

I don't believe in limits. No one is ever really limited. There are fears and concerns. Things that make us comfortable and uncomfortable. And compromises that might have to be made when getting to know "X person here". I can do something that makes me uncomfortable but I'd need a good reason to do it. Since I have not yet met "X person" I have yet to have a reason to, say, be stuck in a pink tutu. What would it represent? What would it symbolise?

My limits are few as a result. One of them takes priority over all others though. "Neglect". But that can't be forced either. Infact this is a prime example of something that can be very very absent at the start when getting to know someone. Before the doing of things and looking after each other. Trust issues can be present even (and indeed, there have been times they've been very much present yet nonetheless things went well).

I'm also noticing that when you go "here's my list" early is a turn off more often then not. People have concerns about looking after your needs. It is unlikely you will get into a conversation and have good communication about such things with "New person here". Before I even consider handing over a list of things I first attempt to determine how open minded they are. Try to establish an open line of communication in general. If they are expressing an interest in me (Which I think is the key factor) then I want to know their fears, concerns and limits and such. And want them to know mine. In the attempt to experience more together in the interest of, as you said, passion.

Hint: Despite the last owner being more up another subs butt and having trust issues, I successfully managed to end up as a well looked after sub a week after talking to them and working on things together. This would however be after knowing them a bit from the past as well on a more occasional and less passionate bases. In which case it's more like 2 months total from point A to B. About a week of hanging out with them, most of the time being out of touch, then getting back in it and working hard to be there because they didn't mind my company and took an interest in me. I was told at first that she was not looking for another sub, so in this case "Another sub" would be the "limit". This would later change. In a very passionate way.

Muffin • Feb 10, 2018

Bunnie (Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:52 am) "As I said to someone recently, how do you know if you like chocolate or not unless you try it?"

This may be the case, someone could be against the idea of something but after they have tried it he or she discover that it is a passion. However, perspective and stance is key. From my own perspective I refuse to receive any anal related play. I recognize that had it been introduced to me in a safe and no forced way the first time I may have learned to enjoy it. But my first partner pushed past my objections and forced me into it. I now will have nothing to do with anal (received).

A lot of the limits conversation is subjective. The part(ies) involved, the trust built, how much time has been taken to get to know each others personalities and erotic responses. Before dipping our toes into BDSM my slave and I were engaging in Vanilla relations, we outlined our hard limits right from the beginning, things that we were not willing to approach. But we let the rest come from exploration together, trial and error.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Feb 12, 2018

limits list are there as a filter. Why would you start a communication with a potential sub if the day you start a session she/he said: sorry I am not into that??
I dont see the problem stating straight away what's off the topic?

Limits aren't restricted to kink sites.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • May 20, 2018

It's my understanding that there are people who justify cheating on "monogamous" partners because they can't get their fetish fulfilled in what should be their only intimate relationship at the time: either their partner flatly refused, or they're too terrified to bring it up to their partner (either because they're partner would reject them, or because they fear their partner would accept and that might change the dynamic of their entire relationship).

So, upon finding a website regarding getting one's kink-on (whatever it may be), knowing whether or not that particular interest is off the table can be crucial. The seeker may be straying from - or have completely abandoned - a relationship because they're in search of one that has space for that kink. Knowing as soon as possible whether it's a dealbreaker can be very important to the search.

Getting out and socializing in real life is indeed necessary. Getting to know people outside of their kinks as well as within them is also important. But even non-kink dating sites hold space for dealbreakers:

* is the person cheating on someone else?
* is the person polyamorous? Monogamous? A swinger?
* do they have pets to which the seeker is allergic?
* how far away are they?
* do they have offspring still living at home? Do they want more kids?
* what's their age range?
* are they employed?
* do they smoke? cannabis? tobacco? do they drink alcohol? how often? do they do other drugs?

I don'r think that kinky websites that allow spots for limits are anymore unreasonable than personals sites that allow space for someone to mention their zodiac sun sign: people have criteria, so why not let those who care search however they want to?