Questions

Questions

Satindragon{Not Lookin} • Jan 17, 2019

I did this as a blog then it was suggested that I also share it here.

We are all here for different reasons. Be it a kinky pick-up or searching for that one who completes us. Just be honest about it. If you aren't sure, say you aren't sure. If you are looking for something with no emotional commitment say so. Say what your you want up front instead of leaving a wake of broken spirits as you walk away.

One of the things we tell people new to this lifestyle is to ask questions. Yet if you are new, what kind of questions should you ask?

First and foremost remember if you are a submissive/slave you do not jump or send pictures to someone who claims to be a Dom on the first message. There is a process to this as in any relationship. Ask the same kind of questions you would ask before you went on a date. Ask if they are looking for just a bottom/top. Are they looking for something with no emotional commitment?Are they looking for something more. Start with building blocks. What brought you to The Cage? Be prepared to answer those same questions.

How about those limits? Most new folks may not have a clue what you are talking about. I will say it again educate yourself. Read, read and read some more. I still run across terms I've never heard. Here are a few questions both for both sides of the coin.

Do you like spanking? If so what is your favorite implement? On a scale of 1-10 how hard do you want the impact to be? Are you experienced with that implement?

Do you like flogging? What is your favorite implement. Do you like leather, cotton, heavy or light? How hard would you like the impact to be?Are you experienced with the flogger?

How about bondage? Do you want to be tied with rope? Are you a rigger? Do you like handcuffs?

How about a blindfold?

You get my idea. If there are things you don't understand, say so. I have had to ask my Dom what things are. I have even ask friends to explain something that I didn't understand. Keep an open mind. You will find things you can't get enough of and things that are totally off limits.

Everything we do has some risk associated with it. It doesn't matter if you call it SSC or R.A.C.K. The bottom line is Saftey. In order to be safe it requires trust. We create trust through communications. If I can't trust you over something simple, how could I ever trust you to blindfold me and tie me up? I couldn't!

I hope you all find what you are looking for.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 17, 2019

When your new you dont know how to even begin.

What is safety? Things that are recognized as clear signs of abuse are recognized protocols.


Newbies dont know what their limits are.
They dont know what kind of flogging works for them with what kind of leather.


They dont know if they love handcuffs or are triggered by them.


This is where the more experienced people have way more power just by knowledge.

Satindragon{Not Lookin} • Jan 17, 2019

Would you have new comers not ask questions? The questions I used were merely examples. It was meant to encourage people to think before they act.

Sorry it doesn't measure up to your standards.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 17, 2019

Not at all.

I'm simply pointing out that questions that seem reasonable to more experienced folk may not be helpful to newbies.


For example:
Instead of asking what kind of leather in a flogger they like which may be overwhelming and make them feel stupid.

Maybe asking do they know how to test themselves with a flogger?
To try it out in the store?

Instead of asking what the limits are, perhaps asking how will they know something is a limit to them?


The questions are always good. No matter how long a person has been doing this questions should never stop.


I do believe though that there is a way to ask that decreases anxiety and creates empowerment.

Satindragon{Not Lookin} • Jan 17, 2019

That is why I posted it here. To get input on good questions to ask.

Things to ask a potential Dom or sub. We all have to start somewhere. A few good questions can shed light on any subject.

Thank you, let's keep this going.

MasterBrads painpet​(sub female){OWNED} • Jan 17, 2019

Eventhough I m a newbie I'm glad the little bit of training and experience was bestowed onto me. Our very first and real session he showed me all the implements he would use. When I saw them all I thought OK. He took me through so much it was very intense and alot put into the short time we had together. I got a wide variety of stuff done. From tied to o hot wax. He tested my pain levels constantly.. So for me being a newbie and a good trainer when I came to this site I can say I'm prepared. But I'm going to make mistakes that's expected. I'm glad I know safety and the importance of let's say protocols. If I didn't have this small foundation I don't know if I would be on this journey. We all have to learn and all we can do is help the ones who are serious about this.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Jan 17, 2019

I like asking questions.
All sorts of questions.
I’m inquisitive and nosey.
I think it shows a person is showing an interest.

I also like looking at the person when I have a conversation.
I know how to talk and make polite chit chat if needs be.
You know, show an interest no matter who the other person is or what they are talking about.
Make them feel comfortable.

It might be the sadist in me, but if I’m talking with someone who keeps looking around at others or at their phone, I enjoy just walking away.
My way of saying “f*ck you, ignorant git”

But I’m digressing.
(See, I can talk for ages about nothing.)

In my singular ‘play days’ I was ‘friends’ with a newbie sub who I had been chatting to online.
She knew she could ask me anything about BDSM and I would do my very best to provide answers.
Her experience was very limited indeed and she always referred to me as her Mentor.
In my mind, a Mentor is a teacher/helper/guide.... not a sex play partner.

When we did finally meet, I told her that if we were both comfortable we could possibly ‘play’ but there would be no sex between; and that we most likely would be naked.
She could experience impact play in a safe setting.
PleaseNote: there is no way I’m going to be able to spank or flog a sub without my cock getting proud, and it’s bloody uncomfortable keeping your junk stashed away in that situation.
I might be able to control orgasms and my lust, but there is no way I can stop my cock from dripping pre-cum and it can get messy if not careful.

Anyway, the point I am waffling towards is that in the hotel room, I had laid out on the bed a variety of impact toys I used in play time.
I explained how they worked, she could handle them, test them on her body, what ever she wanted.
She asked so my questions my voice was hoarse the next day.
She was safe, I let her play with herself as and when she wanted to and the entire night was very enjoyable.
She/we tried all the impact toys (and my hand) and she found those things that turned her on the most.

I wasn’t there as her Dom or ‘sexual’ Playmate, I was there as her Mentor.
To answer questions.
There was no pressure or expectations.

(I’ve just read all the above and have realised it may not answer the original post ... BUT... I spent so long typing this on my phone, there is no way I am going to delete it.
It’s staying and I’m posting it).

FC

Misanthrope • Jan 17, 2019

Bravo, FC, I applaud the stamina of your typing thumbds.

Freya369 • Jan 17, 2019

I wonder what it means...not to have discovered what limits are. I also wonder what it means to have no "emotional commitment" within sexual and non sexual activities.

Satindragon{Not Lookin} • Jan 18, 2019

People come here for different reasons some are experienced some aren't. Those who aren't experienced sometimes have no idea what limits are our what that means. Limits are things that you may not want to do. Some things are considered soft limits. Which is something that you might consider once you understand what it is. Hard limits are things you just won't do. No one should insist or force you to do anything you are not comfortable with.

Emotional commitment is often set aside if you are only looking for a play partner. Some are not looking for a permanent partner. That is why it is important to ask questions of the people who approach you.