Part time D/s questions

Part time D/s questions

Sigma70pi​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2019

So, I am new here and growing as a dominate in a weird situation. I have nobody to share this with so I thought I would turn to you guys. Hopefully you can give me some insight.

I’ll start at the beginning. I am married and in a very vanilla relationship. I have been for 10 years and I didn’t go looking for what happed next, but it happened.

It is a story we have all heard. A woman I work with and I started to have lunch. I never gave her a second look like that but then our talks became more and more personal. She is married and loves her husband. Still that didn’t stop this from growing.

She had a history of being with other men and her husband had taken her back several other times. She and I quickly escalated to having sex.

I was open and honest with her, more than I had ever been because there was no risk. She did the same and the craziest and worst part of ourselves didn’t get in the way of us growing together.

Now, why am I on the D/s forum?

So, inside me has always been a man that loved having control of every situation. She and I talked a lot about those control issues and she had a very submissive mindset. Her desire to be a submissive seemed to align with my desire for control. We were less than 2 months in and we had a contract to outline her behavior when we were together. Then the roles started to expand into breath and impact play. We have not found a line that we have not crossed yet. She gave me all of her trust and literally trusted me with her life. When we are together she knows her place and I am learning to be the dominate that I want to be. I do a lot of research. I read a lot and watch so many videos. I want to be the best dominate I can be, not for her but for me.

Now we are 7 months in and for 10 hours a day 5 days a week and the occasional evening we are totally aligned. All of our discussion are around her desires to be at my feet and my desires to have all the burdens that come with control.

The off times are pretty hard for me and I feel like they are hard for her. We both agreed that when we are apart we have to be in the “real” world and do what we have to do. This works most of the time. I have some struggles with the void of control left.

We have a strong connection.

We both went into this with our eyes wide open and there was never an expectation that we would change our home lives.

2 questions

- We had only an hour for a scene and had a pretty intense time. Heightened pain and pleasure we extreme. I was floating and she was in her subspace. When I brought her out of her subspace I had a short time to hold her. I was gentle and allowed the tears. I held her while she had a few tears. We had to get back to work and it wasn’t the best aftercare, but we did what we could. She suffered from pretty sever sub-drop. I talked to her all afternoon reassuring her that it was a perfect scene and she is the perfect submissive. How appreciative I was to be able to have her and beautiful she is.

I was lucky and was able to hold her and use her one more time before she had to go home for the weekend.

We have had a little communication due to the “real” world. It is like going from total control to none. That drop can kill me at times. She says she slept early and late and feels better.

Do you have any recommendations for how, as the dom, I can help her come back from her sub drop?

- Is all of this crazy? Can we keep this going? We have been doing this for 7 months and we are progressing deeper and deeper into the lifestyle that we both want/need. She loves me and I truly feel that I give her a sense of peace she has grown to need. She gives me a since if control and power I need. The level of responsibility I desire to have over her will relief a lot of life burdens. This is a huge win/win. This woman has always wanted to be a submissive and I am ready to be pure dominant.


Thank you guys for your insight.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 3, 2019

You are in an intensely emotional situation.


Sub drop can last hours or even days.
What you can do is scale back your play time and make sure you have more aftercare. Make sure she eats and drinks water right after play.
What I would advise is you giving her something that she can use when you are apart. For example a sweater from you.
So she can feel wrapped in you.



Is all of this crazy?
Yes and no.


Can you maintain it.

Possibly but not likely.

Emotion that burns that hot tends to burn out fast.
There are a lot of factors that make what you are doing red hot.
When things like reality seep into this it can fracture the fantasy.
For example- have either of you farted during play yet? (Just kidding)


BUT

It also could work.

Only time will tell.

CapnRick​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2019

Master Bear is spot on --
YOU are the Dominant , and you are being too selfish if you use all your precious time in a scene without leaving time for good after-care.
It is up to you never to use much more than 3/4 of your time for the scene --which means if there is an hour lunch break you are using for D/s, 15 minutes or so should be reserved for her aftercare and coming down gently with your cuddles and praises.... You know just how much time you have, so get with it and make sure you have time for aftercare...

If you leave her short ans she has too many sub-drops , you might not have as enthusiastic a partner as you have now.....

But then, at the pace you are both going, one or the other of your marriages is pretty likely to self-destruct anyway unless you do a better job at working toward a sustainable pace in more ways than just the sub-drop problem you're letting happen.... Sorry to be harsh, but YOU are the Dom here, and so probably only you can fix it.

Good luck for the future!

Sigma70pi​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2019

I want to start by saying thank you for being harsh. I need to hear it.

I am learning more and more about aftercare. This session was the first time that she experienced this degree of Subdrop. I was not prepared. That is 100% on me as the dom.

My I take my responsibility in this lifestyle very serious and I want to be a good Dom.

We have been falling deeper quicker. I am worried about the flash of emotions becoming overwhelming.

When we are apart I feel empty. If we spend too much time not communicating I am not in control enough. I feel empty. The relationship has let out the Dom that I want to be.

I want to care for my Sub and keep her emotionally and mentally strong.

I need to learn more self control as far as the time management. I let her tempt me into not giving her enough aftercare. I may be giving her too much control only because it feels good.

I feel like I compromise or say yes too much.

Recommendations?

Kitty21​(sub female) • Feb 4, 2019

So you are cheating on your wife?

Sigma70pi​(dom male) • Feb 4, 2019

I want to be completely clear.


Yes, I am cheating on my wife, vanilla relationship. Also, my Sub is cheating on her husband.

NorthernKitten​(sub female) • Feb 4, 2019

Interesting topic to me, thanks for posting the questions. Timing is a factor in all of our lives.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 4, 2019

When it comes to things like sub drop and Dom drop you have no idea what it is until you experience it. People can describe it to you but it's just like driving a car. You can read all about it and watch YouTube till the end of time but unless you get behind the wheel yourself you're never going to know.


When it comes to BDSM that's the trick. You have to go through it to really understand it.


Being a brand-new Dom you're not going to understand a lot of what's happening here. Over time and experience and insight you will figure stuff out.


It takes time and forethought to plan out a scene. Because you are a new Dom there is no way that you could have known how to do that or about sub drop.



I respectfully disagree with the Capt'n on one point. This isn't something that only you can fix. The ball is not all in your court.

You are in a relationship with this woman. The two of you together need to decide how this is going to work. Being a dominant means you get to have control over a lot of things. And one of them will never be how another person feels



Do you as a dominant need to be more careful about how you spend your time together as far as splitting it up between sceeing and after care?

Sure.

Would you know that in advance ?
No.

I commend you for reaching out here.

However, dont go this alone.

You dont have to.

Kitty21​(sub female) • Feb 4, 2019

This lifestyle is based on honesty and trust, and it seems like you and her cannot do that in your ‘real lives’ with people you have committed to.

I would suggest taking a long hard look at that aspect of your life before you go any further with your ‘sub’.

You wanting to be a Dominant, and her wanting to be submissive, are not free passes for you lie and be unfaithful. This lifestyle is amazing, and beautiful, and challenging, and scary, but again, the foundation is trust, and honesty.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Feb 4, 2019

I agree. Not to dig oon those that are here and are married. But imo this is cheating ( and yes i saw that you know and admitted to this). And with honesty being so important in this lifestyle i dont understand how It cant be in the "real lives".

What i seem to see is ppl seem to be acting as though while its cheating ( do to the "real lives" partners not knowing ) and its a kink vs vanilla life its ok. Which donesnt make any difference as to which world or why you are doing it. Its still dishonest and nothing good comes from being dishonest.

I think that while the both of you long hard look at that aspect of your life with the ppl you are committed too. Ask yourself how you would feel if/ when you found out they were cheating on you for any reason.