Part time D/s questions

This post isn't about infidelity.

This is about a new Dom looking for answers.


This person cheating is his monkey.

Mb i understand that its his monkey.
But at the same time he is looking for answers on things that deal with this lifestyle. And honesty, trust, communication are important in this lifestyle, wouldnt you say so?
So i gave my thoughts on things that i felt were important and how that in tied into " real life" . and how both worlds and all 4 ppl are effected

Also he did ask " Is all of this crazy? Can we keep this going?"

Thank you MasterBear for keeping us on topic.

I went out tonight and made my sub an aftercare kit. I wrote her a letter and put an array of supplies into a subtle bin for her to keep in her desk. I also have a new plan to keep a clean undershirt in the truck. If we have a strong session. I will allow her to wear my used undershirt the rest of the day under her clothes. She needs to know that I am in control, but also I care for her and her needs.

I don’t think this shows weakness.

I know I need to be a strong Dom, but I believe that it is about balance. Even if it is a balance that is in my favor.

Can I say that I want her to find her time with me a place of peace where she can clear her mind and give me all of the responsibilities of life?

Will your wife get an aftercare kit when this all blows up?
Just curious.

@ sigma:

Yes it is good that you maded an aftercare kit for her and whatnot.

Although I will said again i believe i was answering your question. " Is all of this crazy? Can we keep this going?" And why i answered it the way i did so.

Alrhough it seems that while yes it is "your monkey" you asked a question and only care about how to keep your dishonesty to you "real life" going and how to care for that.
So with that said im done.

Are honesty, trust, and communication important.


Yes.

Do we always have the ability to do that when faced with our self knowledge drastically changing.

No.

I compare coming into bdsm the same as coming out of the closet.

The intensity of the emotion creates complex situations that we don't always know how to handle.

I also believe that the first piece of honesty, truth, and communication needs to be with the self.

And those can be hard conversations that need time to take root.

The OP is only beginning to understand his own complex sexuality.

I believe that giving the OP time, space, and support to find out who he is will in time create the ability for him to then ask himself other questions.

@alawey

I do appreciate your comments as well. I am still just finding my way into this place I never knew was there. I did cross a line before I found this Dom inside me. The foundation of all of this new world I have found is based on a lie in the real world. I shouldn’t have every been here.

However, I’m here now. I am trying to learn about myself and what life I need.

I am not justifying my lie or trying to excuse it.

What I am trying to do is be a better Dom and not destroy this Sub that is in this with me. We are both so new to this I am trying to be more prepared. I don’t want something like sever Subdrop be something that hits us without knowing. So I am seeking advice.

I can’t close this Pandora’s box.

@Sigma: No, you can't close that Pandora's box, however I think it's dangerous and misguided to look at this as entirely a D/s subdrop scenario.

Please understand what subdrop is. I see far too many folks trying to explain or justify basic emotional distress as subdrop. If everything else is great in your relationship and life but a sub is still feeling highly emotional after a scene for no other apparent reason, then yes, it's probably a sub drop question.

If however, the two folks in question are both cheating on their spouses, I suggest that the infidelity alone can and does create those feelings. To put it another way, if this was a vanilla affair, those feelings and issues would still be there and have next to nothing to do with subdrop.

"A woman I'm sleeping with is feeling emotional" is NOT subdrop.

Outside stressors are NOT subdrop.

Feeling sad because your partner fucked and ran and isn't a good communicator is NOT subdrop.

Feeling vulnerable about sharing intimate things with a stranger is NOT subdrop.


You're having an affair. Both of you have failed relationships. An open and honest bond with excellent sharing and communication is the bedrock of BDSM. Neither one of you were able to sustain that in your vanilla relationships, and your coping method was anything but open and honest.

I've said it before, I'll say it again; trying to put BDSM whipped cream and sprinkles on a streaming pile of vanilla shit does not make it an ice cream sundae.

Instead of asking yourself if you're doing the toppings right, you should examine the basic ingredients. Change the toppings all you like, you're still going to be eating shit.

Go dominate the issues in your marriage since
BDSM wont make nilla cheating cowards D/s.