Start implementing a D/S relationship without sex

rosethorn​(sub female) • Apr 3, 2019

So who is the sub and who is the dom? I thought you where asking him to be the Dom? Having those chats has nothing to do with taking control and well a sub is actually the one in charge. I assumed you where the sub as your profile suggests and him the Dom my comments won't change. Pushing him into taking charge is passive aggressive and can be avoided with communication which is why i suggested seeing what you both like have a date with that concept in place and have a chat after to see if you both still like it.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Apr 5, 2019

Hello!

I noticed that your thoughts about what he should be doing are pretty specific.

Go to eat, wine, movie.

Is it possible that his idea of control is different then yours ?

Taramafor​(sub male) • May 28, 2019

"Looking for him to be my first" is actually making a part of it about sex. Accept that. Don't deny it. Denial will only make it worse in the long run. When it happens (if it happens) it's actually going to be a meaningful things. More then "just sex" if that makes sense. For me I have a lot of sex. But it's more then "just sex". It's an effort for my happiness. Which makes others happy. Add "give and take" and making sure others get their fun things and it all balances out. Whatever the activity is you do.

As for "100%" I'm of the mind a relationship is 100/100 and all in. Not 50/50 and holding back half. Frankly you're clearly holding back because of your concerns (understandably. But it's still holding back). You might not want someone to rely on you 100%, but that's the funny thing. People that have that concern tend to miss it when it happens. But if being the "only" one is your concern (in other words being the reason they can't enjoy being happy with others) then I shall state others can matter too even if you are "fully relied on 100%". You do not stop others by being there yourself. Not unless you yourself have a problem with other things (or people) that make them happy. Well, technically you can have a problem with it, but you can still accept it. Note that I said accept. As in accepting the situation for what it is. Doesn't mean you have to like it.

As for fear, that's life. You're afraid already. You are afraid of being a bad dom. And here's a little tip. My partner had that exact same concern. But they're much better then they thought. They tried. They made an effort. It got results. So ask yourself if you're willing to try. For it is in trying that we improve. You're afraid of neglecting someone you care about. This is "bad fear" though. The unwanted kind. But let's consider incentive and rewards. This can go serious but let's go with playful. Have you been a good boy? Do you deserve a treat? Or have you disobeyed an order? If so does that lead to a "serious" punishment or a "fun" one? Some people might say funishment but I find that inaccurate. If you get a dildo stuffed up your ass for being a bit of a brat that still hurts when it's shoved in there (Also be aware of how stuffing something in the ass can cause damage if you're not careful. No bad experiences on that account. Covering it just in case).

As for "bad past experience" don't compare past people to your present. That's them. You're you. I can understand "past reminders" but the company and context of the situation is different. You're not the same person as the ex. Be aware of that, acknowledge it, but use it as an example of how you learn what mistakes you can avoid. I have an ex that was abusive too but that's different then "tense flirting". There's fear and then there's "fear". There's being depressed and then there's being given incentive to be well behaved and enjoy the rewards of falling in line. There's a whopping big difference between the two. It's like comparing a wild wolf to a tame dog. It simply isn't the same even if it's alike.