Those with kids at home.....

Those with kids at home.....

boofygurl​(sub female){Taken} • Jun 16, 2019

Those of you with kids at home that actively live this lifestyle.....

What do you do??
What ages do you have at home?? (10 & 8 here)
How do you keep it from little eyes and wandering minds??
Is it something that you plan on talking to them once they're old enough to "know" or just leave them in the dark about it?

This has been one of the things that has kept me very hush hush about this lifestyle... I don't want it to come back and bite me in the bum from family, friends or my kids dads. I don't feel that it is something that they need to know about till they are in their late teens (like 18....) or older..... if ever.....

Also, seeing as it is kind of the subject of "family"..... Do your families know or is it a secret from them as well.....??

Thanks in advance!!

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jun 16, 2019

Let me preface this by stating I do not have children, I also have only had experience with one submissive who had children. My thoughts are my own and do not purport to be a "standard" that you or anyone else should follow. I also will not judge anyone who has a differing viewpoint, not my place or desire!

I am a firm believer that children should be kept unaware of their parent(s) sexual activities, BDSM related or otherwise. The last thing anyone needs is to have their minor child tell a classmate/friend/teacher/counselor etc. what Mommy or Daddy or both were doing. Even if related innocently, it could result in a Child Protective Services investigation or something worse ensuing. Now it is also true that children can by accident, learn or see things. I think that would be an appropriate time to converse with the child(ren) about what happened, in an attempt to defuse the situation. I obviously would not add any additional detail, but just attempt to discuss it and try to make sure there are no lasting implications. This also would depend upon the child(rens) ages. But no more than what is necessary to help them understand that whatever it was, it was "normal."

I feel much the same about one's family being aware, but I think that is less mine-strewn, depending upon one's family and its' structure/relationship. Obviously if you have a conservative family it may be more or less problematic. I also do not share with co-workers my proclivities. I wouldn't share vanilla sexual habits with them, so why on earth would I share non-vanilla habits? I also work in government, who would surely not be amused with my activities, so that is yet another reason to remain private.

Don't misunderstand, I am not ashamed by any means, I just know that discussing any sort of sexual behavior can be considered sexual harassment, if another party (even one not a part of the conversation) happens to take offense. I also just prefer to keep my bedroom activities private and believe that what happens between consenting adults, should remain private. Again, vanilla or non-vanilla, my thoughts are the same.

Last thoughts, I know that my first exposure to BDSM came when I was 11. I found some magazines that an uncle who was staying with us, had forgotten and left behind. While I was the talk of the boys in the neighborhood, I didn't really understand what I saw then and I surely wasn't going to ask an adult. But man those grainy pics of women in bondage made my little pre-teen heart race. I would just add to that by saying, as adults we should remember that kids will find it if it is left around. No matter how cleaver we think we are, kids just have their ways. So we should closely guard toys/books/magazines and make sure they do not just happen to fall into the wrong hands. Let nature takes its' course, no need in accidentally helping it along.

Submissive859​(sub female) • Jun 17, 2019

I still have kids at home. I keep my private life very separate from my kids. I only play when they are at their father's house. My private life is mine alone, they don't need to know what I do behind closed doors.

boofygurl​(sub female){Taken} • Jun 17, 2019

Yes..... I understand that it should be something that is kept very separate from them.
I guess I was just curious for those who live it 24/7... How does one keep the balance?

Freya369 • Jun 17, 2019

There are a number of society's...so called "primitive" who view the sexual life in a very different way than the Western. Much more open and less guilt/shame ridden. However, I am on board wth the view that it's a private affair between consenting adults. There is so much confusion and misunderstandings, lack of knowledge and experience in these matters, and with how kids are seeing relationships in general these days, that all that was said above should be taken into consideration.

An affectionate, loving, fun, open and healthily educated person should be able to give a good broad sex education to their children, allowing them, the emerging space for discovering their own sexual dynamic. I have grown children, I don't have any interest in knowing what they do in their sexual lives and I am soooo sure the have no interest in mine.

Other than I hope it's wonderful for them.

As for "true forced" anything ...in the end ... it never works.

Lossofalme • Jun 21, 2019

Slightly different perspective, but in the same vein...

My kids (oldest is 14, youngest is 5) have all attended, and continue to attend, human sexuality programs based on Our Whole Lives (https://www.uua.org/re/owl). And as a family we are very open and discuss all the ways people can express themselves (including sexually). Although we live in a small town, our children have friends with two moms, or two dads, or just one parent (who may or may not date), or who live with grandparents, or in a polycule, or with a mother who used to be their father. They are aware that different people express themselves (sexually and emotionally) in different ways and that those ways will change as the person changes. In addition to the OWL curriculum, we've read books like "it's not the stork" (https://www.commonsensemedia.org/book-reviews/its-not-the-stork) and "it's perfectly normal" (http://robieharris.com/?page_id=186) and "ready for it" (https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/chusita/ready-for-it/) as they've grown so they know... well... they know their options and that enthusiastic consent is the minimum they should accept.

Do they know the specifics of the emotional and sexual relationship between their parents? No. Do they know there is an emotional and sexual relationship between their parents? Yes.

There are plenty of ways to make just about anything work between consenting adults... White noise machines in the children's rooms and music in the adult rooms (and gags!) can reduce the noise that might otherwise wake a young child or worry a tween. Euphemisms or code words, private texting apps, or visual symbols can all carry meaning for those adult partners without causing children any distress (leaving a hair brush on a window sill to indicate a punishment to come, telling a partner that you've "spoken to Kitty and expect to be spending time with her later", sending pictures to your partner's phone). Rules or protocols can be adapted in a way children would never see as unusual... Say one partner always sits with the kids on the floor while watching TV while the other partner is on the couch, or one partner doesn't wear underwear (something that can be checked by the partner but is invisible to the child), or one partner uses a term of respect (sir, ma'am, Captain, Madame) but in a way that seems playful or idiosyncratic to the child, or one partner sets the menu for the week while the other partner serves the meal at the table, or one partner always opens the car door/holds the building door/carries the packages/takes the other partner by the arm while walking/speaks to strangers in a public setting (orders at the restaurant, makes the phone calls, hails and pays for the cabs, pays the bills, etc), or one partner wears clothing selected by the other or follows a diet or exercise routine at the discretion of their partner (and all the kids know is that their parent does yoga, or doesn't snack, or always wears leggings with tunic tops and is barefoot indoors).

Really... It can be a challenge, but it's not that MUCH of a challenge. And hopefully, at the end of the day, you've succeeded in raising children who understand safe/sane/consensual and who will never settle for less than enthusiastic consent for themselves and for their partners while at the same time nurturing your own, adult, relationships.