Is it ok to ask?

Is it ok to ask?

Tied and Bound​(masochist female) • Aug 17, 2019

Bare with me here everyone. I'm new not only to the online scene but the BDSM world. I'm a submissive masochist wanting to find my Dom.

What I want to know....is it ok for a sub to ask the man to be her Dom? Is it simply assumed when you start tying each other up and pouring wax on their nipples?

I find myself confused and conflicted on how the limits get set when owning your sub hasn't happened. I would like to think there would be a conversation when the Dom wants his sub for himself.

Is it ok for the sub to ask for clarity? To ask to be the only sub?

So many questions..........

Badviking​(dom male) • Aug 21, 2019

> "Bare with me here everyone. I'm new not only to the online scene but the BDSM world. I'm a submissive masochist wanting to find my Dom."
*Bear with me. Inexperience is only a hindrance if it makes you freeze, forget to think or judge. And GL with your search.

> "What I want to know....is it ok for a sub to ask the man to be her Dom? Is it simply assumed when you start tying each other up and pouring wax on their nipples? "
You need to define "her Dom" for me.


> "I find myself confused and conflicted on how the limits get set when owning your sub hasn't happened. I would like to think there would be a conversation when the Dom wants his sub for himself."
And you're confusing me as well. How do you personally define and determine ownership? I'm sure that if your dominant person wants exclusivity, he'll let you know, else you could just ask.

> "Is it ok for the sub to ask for clarity? To ask to be the only sub? "
You'd be pretty suicidal not to ask for clarity. And if monogamy is a limit/requirement I'd expect you to demand it. If it's just a desire, then asking is perfectly valid.

> "So many questions.........."
Ask away, but I might have to reset your ideas and thoughts a little. And I'm quite sure that the safety and security you want from the answers, will just give way to more questions.

You say you're inexperienced, so let me give you a few small pieces of advice.
- You can't control or predict what and who and why, no matter how hard you try or smart you are. But you can take responsibility enough for yourself to honestly ask/answer and talk/listen enough to get an idea of who he is, and require him to do the same.
- If you truly are a maso sub, then the reality when you find it and dare to let go, will outstrip your wildest dreams.
- Embrace your naivitè and realize that no amount of research is going to make you prepared enough to not make mistakes or misunderstand. Be clear about being a babe-in-the-woods, and find trust first. With trust comes self confidence and the bravery necessary to explore and experience.
- Everything builds on everything else, and experiencing 1 thing opens your fantasies and thoughts to 10 new ideas and desires you are ready for, and 10 that you aren't (yet).
- Try not to accept the unacceptable or demand the unacceptable. It's usually better to walk away rather than taking on heartache out of fear.

Hope you answer my questions.

Just my 2 inches,
BV

Tied and Bound​(masochist female) • Aug 21, 2019

Hi BV,
Thank you for your insight.

It's a new piece of myself I'm embracing so truly, I don't know what to expect. I have some ideas in my mind and what i'm finding from online discussions, it's a lot of guys who want to get their jollies off. It's discouraging to want something real and find that there are so many fakes out there.

Like any relationship, if you don't talk about what you are to each other, other rules don't exist. For instance, if there is no conversation of ownership (and yes, I would want my Dom to own me) than I am free to do as I please with who I please.

It's a journey that is frustrating but exciting and thrilling at the same time. I'm approaching this new part of myself with an open mind and heart. Will it take time? Absolutely. Will I get hurt on the way? Most likely. Is it all worth it? I will gladly go through it all again to find my D.

Maybe I said too much.....that's where I'm at right now.

CapnRick​(dom male) • Aug 22, 2019

Absolutely ask him. Make clear your needs, your desires, your fears, and your limits.
Will he answer the way you hope?

Who can tell? That is why you have to ask, hoping he will offer answers acceptable to you.....

No Body​(dom male) • Aug 23, 2019

Communication is important in any relationship. If you can't talk how will he know what is going on in your head? Talk to him and get to know where he is and you are with him. This is how you find out how far he will go and how far past that you can take him.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Aug 24, 2019

First of all welcome.

"is it ok for a sub to ask the man to be her Dom? "

Yes. Or a woman.


"Is it simply assumed when you start tying each other up and pouring wax on their nipples? "


Nothing in BDSM is assumable.
Play is different than power exchange. You can have a power exchange and never play. You can play and never have a power exchange. You're talkin about playing which is wax on the nipples. For some people it is only play and not a relationship. So all of that needs to be talked about before hand.
I have multiple play partners. But I do not have a power exchange with them.


"Is it ok for the sub to ask for clarity? To ask to be the only sub? "


It is okay for the sub to ask for clarity. A D type worth their salt will require it.

As far as being the only sub. You can ask. But that doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. The other thing to consider is you can have multiple D types.
You must always consider the person and that will help clarify your questions. If your D type is married to somebody else and wants another play partner then no it's not really valid for you to ask them to leave their spouse. If the D type is polyamorous then you need to think long and hard about what you can do. If you're intentionally seeking a single and monogamous D type then don't date anybody who is out of that identity thinking that you can change them.

OriginalAngel​(sub female) • Aug 28, 2019

GReat thank you for these posts.

Definetly

Srbearcat • Aug 28, 2019

Anyone telling you different is atleast ignorant or just in to play games.
You as a submissive hold quite a bit of power and as you allow ... transition that to a DOM you still always have the right to communicate and be heard.

Tied and Bound​(masochist female) • Aug 28, 2019

Amazing feedback from everyone that has truly helped me in my journey.

My question, though, has expanded far beyond that now.

The next phase of my situation comes with mixed emotions and I bet mixed ideas.

Our punishments can be hard and are designed to guide us. The question I now present, for the Doms, why would you suggest using a limit as a form.of punishment? It's something we don't like, so would that be the reason?

Wiseonthree​(dom male) • Aug 29, 2019

I think you are asking a very interesting question. I’ve been asked that question a few times, each time (unfortunately) that I have just up and said yes ...it has not worked out. In my time of getting more used to me, myself, and my Dominance...I can say it’s very important there is a established connection, interest, and frequent communication is a must.

If I were to be asked that question by anyone right now, I would respond with let’s get to know each other better and see where it goes, and express how flattered I am as well. However, if that question was asked like....after talking for months, I can tell you I’d probably have a more pointed yes or no , and why.

I hope this helps?