Advice on adding a new girl to the household

Advice on adding a new girl to the household

sweetpunkyrose​(sub female){Owned} • Aug 22, 2019

Hello, I was hoping to get some advice on my current situation.

My Dom and I have been together for 16 years, the first six in a vanilla marriage, and then a little over a decade in a bdsm relationship. We've often discussed my Sir's need for a second girl, but no one ever came into our lives that fit our needs. That has now changed. My husband is negotiating with a new girl, with the goal of moving her into our house in the next year. While I'm not jealous, and actually pretty excited about this change, I am a little nervous about such a big upheaval in our lives.

So what am I looking for? Advice, anecdotes, anything that might help us adjust to our new normal. If you've been in this situation, either as a dom or as a sub, I'm curious about what are some common mistakes that people make, problems that get overlooked, that kind of thing. I am hoping to be as prepared as possible so that I can make this transition super smooth for my Sir.

Thank you very much for any help!

Bunnie • Aug 22, 2019

@ sweetpunkyrose,

Great post! Whilst I don’t have any experience in this household dynamic as of yet, it’s highly likely that this will be my future situation, so I very much look forward to hopefully being able to follow this and hear some great feedback from people with experience in this.
Good luck with the transition and best wishes to you all

DrWakko • Aug 22, 2019

It’s all about communication. I know you’ve heard that before. But really watch out for NRE (new relationship energy). It might seem like he is spending more time with the new partner and “ignoring” you. Try to set something up where you know you have time where its you and him and even you and the new partner (helps with bonding) and even all three of you spending time together.

DW

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Aug 22, 2019

A "million" years ago i was that girl being added to a household. I spent months getting to know them and frankly I was pretty head over heels with both of them. We'd talk to each other hours and hours each day. Everything seemed perfect. I was going to be their beta sub, at the time it was a position I was happy to take. She would pour out love and affection on me, her "sissy" and we made plans for all the fun we were to have together once I moved in with them. We'd went over how things were to be over and over, there shouldn't have been any surprises..... shouldn't have been. One of the things I knew beforehand is that I would share a bed with the other submissive as he preferred to sleep alone. All was good. I packed up my life and my little dog and off I moved to southern Florida. My life was going to be perfect, or so I thought. The move went fine and our first day together was wonderful, ending with an intense play session between us all. We busied ourselves getting everything put away, did what were to be our nighttime rituals, and I settled into bed next to her thinking we'd cuddle and chat until we fell asleep. Moments after turning off the lights she started spitting vitriol into the dark. She told me that she didn't love me, that she didn't even like me.. that she went along with things because HE wanted a 2nd girl/new toy. She said horrible things and I just laid there in tears, shocked that I had been such a fool. The next morning she put on her happy face and it was as if nothing was ever said, that is until we were alone. This went on for a few weeks. I busied myself settling in, finding a job, learning how to serve him.... all the while trying to figure out how to fix things with her. I did try to talk to him, without coming outright and telling him. He chalked my concerns up to growing pains in a new dynamic. I should have been more direct, I know that, but I was young, optimistic and believed that I could fix things. I also fancied myself in love with him. This is getting lengthy but I finally did come to my senses and left. There was one day that after being berated and told what a piece of shit I was for several hours while we cleaned became too much for me. While she was gone to the grocery store (we were entertaining that night, friends that introduced us, a M/s couple) I packed my car and left. I went to his job and waited for him to come out for break. He seemed genuinely happy to see me, until I dropped the bomb. I told him everything as he stood there in shock and awe. He asked me why I didn't tell him sooner, that he could have fixed things. I said that there was no fixing things, she was NOT poly, had no intention of sharing him and would torture any women that came into their home (almost verbatim what she had been saying to me over the few weeks I'd been there). He begged me to stay, but for my safety and sanity and I thought it was best to go, I wouldn't stay there with her. I went home. He kept in contact with me for months afterwards, always asking me to return, but because he would not put her away I could not. The last I heard about them, there had been several failed attempts at poly, but they were still mono. I do not know why he kept her, but to each his own.

I tell you this story as a cautionary tale. I do know that poly can and does work, I've had varying degrees of poly relationships myself over the years. And while you say that you are excited about it, you need to be 100% in for it to work. This is not just about HIM *gasp*. Everyone's feelings and needs matter. Jealousy can come but you must have incredible communication and openness to head things off before they become a problem. You need to like this person and realize that she will be sharing what is essentially your space, as the home is the domain of the wife. I do not know if you intend to be intimate with her, but this is something that needs to be fully fleshed out beforehand, not left to chance. As many visits as possible before the final move. Find the time and money, this is imperative. Everything seems perfect over chat.... but when energies start to mix, it can all go to hell. Take your time, and remind Him to take His time. Lastly, remember that she has feelings too. She's leaving her home, friends, and family to join yours. Yes she's going to be a shiny new toy for Him.... that's inevitable, but she's going to feel lost and homesick too. Kindness goes a very long way. Get to know her, be genuine with your thoughts and fears, and if there are red flags.... address them immediately, both with Him and her. Three way chats and phone calls are great, but it's so easy to hide things (as I learned), this is why visits are important and one on one time with the 2 of you needs to be a priority.

I wish you luck on your journey.... I'm open to chat if you ever need to. I'm still poly, I just know now how it should NOT be done!

No Body​(dom male) • Aug 23, 2019

I have a friend in New York who has been with his 2 subs for I think it's 24 and 22 years now. Off and on he has a third but she comes and goes. there are subs looking to be a third and are willing to do what it takes to be that third.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Aug 24, 2019

Moving from a mono house to a poly house takes a lot of adjustment. My suggestion to you is that your Sir does not do this negotiation alone. That you are active in all discussions regarding bringing this new person in.

Some things to think about are what if you and the girl want to something without your Sir?

Are all three of you going to sleep together?


Are you and the new girl going to have an alpha/beta relationship?


What are your boundaries when it comes to the new girl? What are the new girls boundaries when it comes to you?



Are you looking to do this for the long-term? Are you looking to have fun?



Many times when I het couple brings in a third. The third is called a unicorn. More often then not the Unicorn is the one that gets hurt when the straight couple can't get their crap together.


So you need to be thinking about this change from everyone's point of view. Not just Sirs and not just yours.


What can you bring to this person's table that would make them want to stay? What can you offer them on long-term basis to help them maintain their goals and identity?

Think past your crotch. Start using your head

sweetpunkyrose​(sub female){Owned} • Aug 24, 2019

Thank you to everyone for your replies, this was exactly what I was looking for. Sir and I have been discussing his need for a second girl for many years, but actually making that a reality is undoubtedly going to be a lot of work. We've gone over many of the concerns listed above, but not all of them, so thank you for giving us more angles to consider.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Aug 24, 2019

Something else to think about is the legalities of being a married couple with a live-in third. As a married couple you two are afforded a lot of rights including different types of Taxation on monies recieved if one of you should pass. Is it something that you're going to be thinking about if this is a long-term relationship?

sweetpunkyrose​(sub female){Owned} • Aug 24, 2019

Definitely long-term. Sir doesn't really do casual commitments of any kind. And legal issues are not something I had considered, although Sir may have. I'll add legal concerns to the list.

InYourHead​(dom male) • Aug 25, 2019

YOU must want it just as deeply, or more so, than he does. She will be your sister, and you must truly enjoy each other and love each other.
I might have missed it, but are you helping in the selection of another girl? If not ask him to let you become involved.

And, ultimatly, you would be his alpha, if she joins, and for some reason something changes, tell him immediatly.

In a poly home, communication is absolitly critical. Without it, relationships can quickly be ruined.

And dont feel left out if it seems like hes not giving you equal time rigjt away. Hes enjoying his new girl and things should settle down soon. If it becomes bothersome...talk to him.