Please stop ghosting.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Sep 18, 2019

@Justme26

Well ... my comment wasn't aimed specifically at you. It was a general comment about general themes. Obviously I reject the idea that my comment was lazy thinking or whiny. I spent some time on the piece of writing so it certainly wasn't rushed off with little lazy thought. As for whiny, no i don't think so either. I was just making the point that it does not come across as Domlike to complain. The dom is supposed to be the rock, steady, focussed, unperturbed by negative emotions. Complaining, out in public, where nothing can be gained from the effort, is just not that attractive.

I disagree with your last point. Ghosting isn't always about weakness of character or a lack of dedication.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 19, 2019

That's not "ghosting", my friend. That's "justifiable ditching of a creep".

My take on all this crap is "ghosting" is the cowardly ditching of an otherwise amicable contact without giving him / her a reason why one does not wish to continue the dialogue.

I'm being kind and generous buy deploying the term "cowardly". In truth, and ANYwhere on Social media-- anyone who vanishes on another who has done nothing wrong -- is a sack of sit.

' NUFF SAID from me.

Notely • Sep 20, 2019

Its do to society some people are not open minded they have to break out of the shell.

DaddysBabyGirlMandy​(sub female){Taken} • Sep 22, 2019

I find it funny how you talk about people shouldn't be ghosting when you yourself ghosted me blocked me and everything what a hypocrite lol 😁😂😆😃😅

ShyDawn​(sub female){Taken} • Oct 21, 2019

I was accused of ghosting someone but I was just going to bed because I had to work the next day. I even told them that I had to go to sleep and he still got mad about me "ghosting" him

Master Liner​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2019

It Goes Both Ways...
I'M Currently Experienced( going thru) that and it Hurts 100 Times Worst When YOU Really Care About the Other Person and When YOU Have Feelings and Emotions Attached.

OwnedByTheOcean​(masochist female) • Oct 21, 2019

Chatting and getting to know someone does not constitute a “relationship “. Especially online. I have simply not responded to chats because they haven’t asked anything of me. When chatting is comprised of “WYD” or “Hey”, and there is no intelligent conversation I have no desire to continue nor send any response to such messages.
I have made friends here, flirtatious contacts, I do not ghost them, however I am not attached to this site 24/7 either. I may not answer for a couple of days.... some have gotten very irritated and accusatory over that. I don’t feel the need to answer those either once insults have been issued simply because I was present in the real life moments around me and not staring at a screen....
just my take from the sub view....

MsEbonyAngela​(dom female){Looking to} • Oct 22, 2019

"ghosting" is a symptom of the quicky disposable and internet era. They hide behind a screen and don't need to commit. I purposely slow things down bec there are those that say anything since just looking for "sessions" and will disappear when get it or don't get it right away

CielBonfire • Oct 29, 2019

Honestly, for me this depends on the situation. If someone is cool enough to have earned my respect, sure, I'll be polite. If I've built a relationship with them over a year or more, sure, I'll be polite.

If some a-hole comes into my inbox and decides he's entitled to my time, I don't feel bad about ghosting at all. If someone crosses a hard limit or boundary of mine, they're getting ghosted. No second chances. I don't owe rude or predatory people my time, energy, politeness, or respect.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Nov 1, 2019

This series of questions was asked on another website that I've been known to haunt from time to time.

"Let's talk about online ghosting. (whoo000oooOOOO)
How do you define it?
Why do women do it? Why do men do it?
Who do you think does it more often?
Have you ever had someone 'go ghost' on you? How did you feel about it?
Have you ever gone ghost on someone else? Why? Did you ever regret it later?
What have you learned from your experiences with it?
Is ghosting ever the right thing to do?"

*****
My (long as fuck) answer...
*****

Ghosting?

https://youtu.be/Aiay8I5IPB8

Way, way back I was hanging around on another website and got to be pretty good friends with someone. Like exchanging several messages each day. She knew that my health wasn't good. And, sure enough, I ended up having... well, a bad time. (Anyone who needs the details already has them. The rest of you can fuck right off.) I wasn't online in any way, shape, form, or fashion for a long, long time. Months.

And when I did get back on, I couldn't remember my account and password.

I created another account. But, when I went looking for her, she'd deleted her account. And I saw where, before she had, she'd spent months looking for me, asking people if they knew anything about me. Which, of course, no one did. And now, I had no way to get in touch with her. That is the only person that I feel any guilt about. My "ghosting" was not done apurpose. I could not have gotten back any sooner than I did. And when I did, she was gone. Perhaps because I'd hurt her so badly. Or perhaps it had not a damn thing to do with me that she left that website (at least under the name I knew).

I was only under that account for a couple of months before we lost not only the internet but electricity as well for a couple of months.


When I was able to get back on, I could not remember THAT account or password. Or even the email address it was under. During that short time that I was roaming around, I had made... well, an acquaintance. I suppose some might call it "friend," but I'm a tad bit more selective in what relationships I accord that accolade. And I wouldn't go that far. But, we were typically exchanging a message... mmm... maybe not every day. But, probably every two or three days. Nothing very "deep" (which is why I label it "acquaintance").

When I created my new account, I went looking for her. But, she had likewise deleted her account. And I had no way of letting her know that I was around. That I was okay.

I did have a small worry that she might have felt ghosted, but it was short-lived. The major difference was that the first gal had attempted to contact me repeatedly, for months after I disappeared. Through PMs. Through open forum threads. Via emails. The second had not. Not even one. (I have since remembered the account name, the password, and the email and checked.) Ergo, I feel not the slightest twinge of guilt for the second while the first still haunts me even all these years later.

More importantly, at least to me, in defining what I did in the first iteration as "ghosting" (although it was not done on purpose and could not be helped) there were two factors that came into play. She and I had built a close relationship. And, both of us firmly believed that everything was alright and would continue to be. She had absolutely no reason to believe that the last message she got from me would be the last one. (And neither did I.)

By the same token, the second gal could also be said to have every reason to believe that the last message wouldn't have been the last message (as I didn't think it would). However, we were not that close. And, as I say, she did not send me any messages either.

During my third iteration, my wife died. And I was all set to log out for the last time. And never come back. However, I did not want to pull the third fade without letting anyone who might have cared about me, whether I knew or not, know that I was leaving. The specter of that friend I'd ghosted was still haunting me. I created two threads; one in the Author's Hangout (where I spent most of my time) and one in the How To (where I spent the rest of it). And in those threads, I announced not only my intent to leave but exactly who I'd been in my previous iterations (for the slow ones in the class who hadn't caught on when I'd admitted it repeatedly), even linking the profiles.

And people came crawling out of the woodwork. Some that I'd seen around but hadn't been aware thought twice about me. Others that I'd never even so much as seen before. All encouraging me to stay. To keep writing on the stories side. To keep posting on the forums side. So, I did. It was a painful catharsis in many ways.

And I made some friends. Friends who were beyond special to me. Some that I was, perhaps, unwise in my choices.

The thing is... I've been classified as disabled and virtually housebound for a decade now. Before she died, my wife was (quite literally) the only human face I would see, the only voice I would hear, for days and even weeks at a time. When we added my depression from being recently widowed to my agoraphobia... Well, it was perhaps foolish of me to place so much value on the seven people I took off that website and into other forms of electronic communication. That I would value these people in other fucking countries more than people I at least had a chance to see them face to face or hear their voice without the crackle of a long-distance phone line.

Every single one of them faded away. I can't really call it "ghosting" because they all let me know something was wrong before they did it.

(Well, one didn't say anything at all, but just didn't respond to three messages. That one, I did consider had ghosted me until she messaged me with an apology and a reason. Months later. I, of course, accepted the apology. I'm not a complete asshole, despite what many seem to think. However, the damage was done. An apology... an explanation... after the fact can only do so much to mitigate the harm wrought.)


The first of March 2019, I was in the same position as I'd been at the end of January 2018. Perhaps worse since I'd seen some hope and had that hope reft away. I think hope is sometimes the cruelest thing to offer someone. If you have no hope, then you have nothing to lose, and so don't care as much when someone steals something you didn't really have anyway.


However, I didn't learn my lesson. Not well enough.

I wandered into The Cage and after a couple of weeks was unwise enough to get entangled with someone here for two months.

Unfortunately (for both of us), not only will I not ghost, but I won't fuckin' leave. Once I'm in, I'm all the fuckin' way in. And I will stay and fight to the bitterest of ends. No matter the additional hurts and harms she wrought, I took the pain and punishment until, finally, she said the magic words. "I'm done. I don't want you."

Alrighty, then.

Here's the fuckin' funny.

After around a month, she popped up accusing me of ghosting her.

But, wait. Let me explain just why, and in how many ways, this is fuckin' hysterical.

Despite my very clear listing that my hard limits are 1) lies, 2) abandonment, and 3) lashing out with the intent to harm me or someone I care about, she consistently did them all during our time together. Including "breaking up" with me three times prior to that fourth time.

The night in question, she came to me with something that, yes, made me furious. And I chewed her ass and told her exactly what she was going to do to make it right. No "or else" required. She was just going to fucking do what I said. Period.

She had the audacity to get angry with me. Apparently, because she had come clean about it and apologized for it, I was just supposed to be okay with what she'd done. Ah... no. Some things require a little more than "I'm sorry."

However, I wasn't going to leave her. And, when I saw it coming, I told her that.

And I told her that she'd better think really damn carefully about the words that were about to come out of her mouth. About if she meant them or not. Because I'd allowed her to break up with me three times and come back for an unheard-of fourth attempt because she begged me into it. That if she broke up with me this time, there would be no more tries. We would be done. Period.

She hung up me.

And called me back an hour later and said those magical words.

I said, "okay. Goodbye."

The next day, she came at me wanting to know if we could be friends. I said, "sure."

It wasn't thirty minutes later that she started in on wanting me back. Which I told her she didn't get. Not ever again.

Over the course of the next three days, she messaged, she emailed, she called, she begged, she pleaded... and then she started accusing me that I'd never wanted her in the first place. That I'd tricked her into breaking up with me so I wouldn't be the bad guy.

For reasons that had not a damn thing to do with her, despite her egocentric cosmology, I went dark. I not only had no significant online presence but unplugged the phone. Once my health was back under control, I made a resurgence. Which she missed because she went off to pout.

And came back after a month's absence herself accusing me of ghosting her.

Er, no. My last message that she was "an egocentric little emotionally stunted child that will lie, manipulate, steal, beg, plead, whatever it takes to get your own fucking way, that treats everybody including me like some little digital toy, a computer game that you can pick up and discard at your fucking convenience, that never gives a thought to anyone beyond yourself and your own selfish needs and wants, and you and I have nothing further to say to each other. Ever!"... That was a pretty clear indication that there would be no more messages from me.

By the same token, someone I considered a very dear friend just recently informed me virtually the same thing. That I was being selfish and thoughtless and hurt them. (I happen to disagree and think I only lashed back when they continued to attack me. Regardless of how much pain from another source, I will only allow so much before I slap back.) And that they don't know if they will ever speak to me again. I haven't said anything to them since, and won't until they do.

***sigh***

And, I wandered off on more than one tangent, didn't I? Or did I?

Maybe. Maybe not. (Although, I readily admit I did get long-winded as fuck. Which should be no surprise to anyone that knows me.)

But, back to the questions asked...

>>>>> How do you define it?
01) There has to be a relationship. To wit; some gal I'd never heard of messaged me out of the blue. We exchanged something like thirty messages, all in one day. She hasn't replied to my last message. Did she ghost me? Nah. I'd never heard of her before that day and was more than a bit startled that she sent another message as long as she did. I don't know her. And, despite the fact that I pretty liberally bled my heart's blood all over those forums under my last iteration, it was fairly obvious from the last message that she didn't have a clue about me.

02) A sane and rational person would consider the relationship to be okay. That is, that there is no problem in the relationship. (Unlike that poor disturbed girl that I really don't see how I could have been any blunter.)

03) A sane and rational person would expect the interaction to continue. (Again, I'm pretty sure "we have nothing more to say to each other" should be a pretty major fuckin' clue.)

04) There is a reasonable attempt on the part of the "ghosted" to continue the conversation. For myself, I consider three unanswered messages an indication that for whatever reason, there will be no more communication with this person, however close we once were. But, only those I label "friend" (or higher) get that consideration. Acquaintances only get one unanswered message from me in their inbox before I take the hint and wander off.

>>>>>Why do women do it? Why do men do it?

Mmm. I don't think it's a gender thing so much as that it's an indicator that they have a stunted interpersonal intelligence, whichever gender they happen to belong to. (Or, if you prefer Briggs-Myers to Gardner, perhaps they are INTJ)

>>>>>Who do you think does it more often?
Mostly answered above. But, further explanation, I think this behavior is most often executed by ones who have enough thought for the other person that breaking off the relationship will hurt them, but not enough emotional acumen to know how to handle the hurt that acknowledging the hurt they caused the other will cause them more appropriately.

It's been my experiences that very few of us will openly acknowledge when we are the villain of the piece, preferring to believe themselves the hero of the story. And... I don't know. Maybe by not having the conversation, they allow themselves to live with their self-delusion a little longer?

>>>>>Have you ever had someone 'go ghost' on you? How did you feel about it?

Oh, yes. Variously over the decades, I have had people ghost me, distance from me, and discuss the ending of the relationship with me. Each of them had their own pain. I don't know that ending a relationship that had any significant meaning could be otherwise.

But, as the specific question was about ghosting...

Time was that it hurt me. Very badly. I was left wondering what I'd done. What I could have done differently. What was wrong with me that they didn't want me.

These days... I just don't care. I mean, yes, I do still care that the relationship is over. If, that is, they had any special significance to me beyond the fact that I allowed them to contaminate my air. But, whether they ghosted me, gradually distanced from me, or sat down for one of those "we need to talk" moments, the relationship is still over. And, if they ghosted me, then they just weren't worth the waste of my remaining time on this side of the grass.

>>>>>Have you ever gone ghost on someone else? Why? Did you ever regret it later?


***see long-winded shit above***

TLDR; Yes, unintentional because of health, and yes (both later and at the time)

>>>>>What have you learned from your experiences with it?

My fuck dispenser is empty. Anyone who ghosts me, doesn't reply to three attempts to continue contact, doesn't get a free refill.

On the other hand, anyone who abandons me three times when I need them, even sitting down and telling me exactly why beforehand, doesn't either.

>>>>>Is ghosting ever the right thing to do?

Fuck yes!

An abusive relationship in which the escapee has a real and rational reason to fear for their life or even continued physical well-being and security. Slip out the fucking door, start walking, don't look back, and do not give that fucking asslick a clue where you've gone!